well...let me apologize in advance for yummy budding but i truly have no where else to turn except my dog. a month ago i had a friend. a friend that meant the world to me. the way we got along was like undescribable. i have personally never in my life held someone in such high esteem. a month ago i was drinking. something i have absolutely no business doing obviously with good reason. as my friend was leaving they made me feel slighted on the way out the door. i continued to drink for another half an hour and thats when dr jeckle became mr hyde or how ever it works. i suddenly and maliciously decided to do something passive aggressive to sabatoge my friends relationship foolishly tricking myself into believing i was doing so annonomously. it was clearly obvious it was me. i dont remember the full extent of what i exposed due to intoxication but what i do remember was more than enough to make someone want to feed me to the wolves. i dont mean to sound like a hippocritical, contradictive asshole but under normal circumstances i am fiercely loyal and wouldnt even betray someone i didnt like let alone someone i did. i woke up the next day and recalled what i did. instead of leaving the fire i made alone and hoping it went out i procedded to spend the last month binge drinking and making daily angry tupac style rants on my facebook page. in most cases im indirect and generalize but other posts have been crystal clear who i am aiming at. as a result i have initiated real life conflict with certain individules that i will cross paths with again. when i do. odds are definately against me. i have spent the last month hating and loathing myself. the guilt that i am harbouring over this situation has manifested itself into anxiety attacks multiple times a day, bad dreams, straight out nightmares and constantly on edge. my sleep for the last month has been laboured at best and for short periods only. at this point i just want to sincerely apologize to the friend i hurt but they wont speak to me and surely wouldnt believe it anyway. what i did was far too over the line to appear to be anything short of an act of war. i cant blame the alcohol for my actions but i am no fool. i would never get the impulse to do something like that sober. and if i did i would have come to my senses before it was too late. all i want is for them to know how sorry i am and to figure out how to forgive myself which just isnt possible knowing how awful and uncharachteristic it was of me. if i dont get this situation under control im afraid of how dark things will get for me. i already suffer from severe depresion, anxiety and ptsd. i dont know how to live with what i have done. do you?
