from ye olde Onion…
Nitro Expected To Win Westminster Dog Fight
NEW YORK—Lauding his sturdy build, immaculate pedigree, and unparalleled ability to latch onto opponents’ throats until they bleed to death, sources confirmed today that purebred American pit bull terrier Nitro is widely expected to secure top honors at this year’s Westminster Kennel Club Dog Fight.
“Since 1877, the Westminster Dog Fight has featured only the finest bred and most brutally trained competitors, and Nitro is one of the deadliest specimens we’ve seen in years,” said Sporting Dog Journal columnist Mark Halberstrom, adding that judges would give the 3-year-old animal high scores in categories such as jaw-clamping strength, incisor sharpness, and overall bloodlust. “He’ll likely tear his way through the toy breeds very quickly, tossing the Yorkshire terriers, the Maltese, and the pugs around like throw pillows.”
“I was pitside last year when it took him 11 seconds to reduce a Bichon Frise to a pile of bloodied fluff,” Halberstrom continued. “He’s just a beautiful, beautiful killing machine.”
