have we become so jaded, so cynical, that we can't even consider an immaculate conception???
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have we become so jaded, so cynical, that we can't even consider an immaculate conception???
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude,
the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The
weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So,
sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"
Silence followed.
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight
attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front
of my pants!"
From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled........
"For the luvva Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!"
the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The
weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So,
sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"
Silence followed.
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight
attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front
of my pants!"
From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled........
"For the luvva Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!"
B
Baked Alaskan
Nice, love the husky f%#@$! jokes
As Frank Zappa might say .....
As Frank Zappa might say .....
Just don't eat that yellow snow
As Frank Zappa might say .....
Just don't eat that yellow snow
Great..... then you'll love this one.
Did ya hear about the skinny guy who went to Alaska?
He came back a Husky fucker....................
We'retaking it all back!
We'retaking it all back!
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. (Are you getting this Hank?)
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it!
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (obviously backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
We'retaking it all back!
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. (Are you getting this Hank?)
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it!
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (obviously backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
have we become so jaded, so cynical, that we can't even consider an immaculate conception???
Have you ever seen any of my posts on that sort of thing....I'm starting to think you don't know me at all mate
An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees
a woman in the dark shadows.
'Thirty euros,' she whispers.
Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only thirty euros.
So they hid in the bushes to do the deed. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's the police.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop.
'I'm making love to me wife,' Paddy answers sounding
annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well, neidder did I officer, til ya shined that bloody light in
her face!'
a woman in the dark shadows.
'Thirty euros,' she whispers.
Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only thirty euros.
So they hid in the bushes to do the deed. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's the police.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop.
'I'm making love to me wife,' Paddy answers sounding
annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well, neidder did I officer, til ya shined that bloody light in
her face!'
The missus asked if I wouldn't mind shaving "Downstairs", and being an accomodating chap i went with it and gave my nethers the full treatment.
When I showed her I discovered that her request was less about my genitals and more about her desire to ban me from the en-suite and make me shave in the downstairs toilet sink.
When I showed her I discovered that her request was less about my genitals and more about her desire to ban me from the en-suite and make me shave in the downstairs toilet sink.
Na, I lifted (and slightly altered) it from the guardians comments
I suppose it could be true of the guy who posted it there.Truth is I shave about once a month. I've almost got one sideburn now...at the age of 32.
And when I do shave I rinse the sink out after......Pisses me off when people don't. I don't want your shaving foam scum and bristles in my face washing water. Not as bad as pubes in the soap though. I always wondered how they got there until I walked in on my bro, stood up in the bath lathering his balls and crack with the bar directly in his hands... Blech.
The Confession.
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years serving the local parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. The politician was late getting there, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person that entered my confessional told me, he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that he was an aberration and that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the local politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the very first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE FOR A MEETING.
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years serving the local parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. The politician was late getting there, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person that entered my confessional told me, he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that he was an aberration and that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the local politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the very first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE FOR A MEETING.
so 3 chicks are stranded on a deserted island, a blond, a brunette and a redhead. every so often something washes up on shore giving them a reward of sorts or at least a break from the monotony.
one day they spot a shiny object and the 3 of them rush over to grab it, they're all fumbling with what looks to be an ancient lantern when suddenly *POOOOF* out pops a genie. "For my release your reward will be 3 wishes! just one for each, be warned!!"
the redhead speaks up first nearly crying "I'd love to be back home in Texas with my family!" and just like that she's gone...
the brunette's so excited she's bouncing up n' down says "please send me back to NY and the ones I love!" instantly leaving the blonde & the genie alone....
"And at last, what is your wish?" asks the genie of the blond, she looks around with a forlorn look on her face and then says "it sure is getting lonely around here, I wish my friends would come back......."
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, whats sex?" Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works. He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time hes finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?" "Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
Ultimate SUPER BOWL Fan Story:
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - He's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - He's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."
that one is bad ^^
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
