Now tell me that you don't know Hank from Royal Pains. He's like MacGyver, just that he's 'repairing' sick people with his Swiss Army knive 
. He always heals the worst cases and you called for Hank, so I figured that you know him... 
. He always heals the worst cases and you called for Hank, so I figured that you know him... 
Double Aught you've been told about that thinking on your own ain't you. But really is he a Limey TV personality? I ain't got a clue. Barely know who MacGyver was but a couple of guys I use to work with watched and I had to listen to them rehash every show endlessly the next day. I thought it was Ray Ramano at first.
Come on now some "good" jokes. I'm damn near a shut in and don't get out to hear any.
Come on now some "good" jokes. I'm damn near a shut in and don't get out to hear any.
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "Check this out!" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, now would be a good time to wash it."
twistedthreads
Active member
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
What's the difference, between a person who uses the not helpful button, to anonymously neg instead of using the actual rep system like an adult, and a bucket filled with dog shit?
The bucket.
The bucket.
How does a DEA agent go fishing?
He catches one fish then threatens to fillet & cook
it unless it tells him where the rest of the fish are.......
He catches one fish then threatens to fillet & cook
it unless it tells him where the rest of the fish are.......
Yeah I don't care much for the "Did you find this shit helpful?" option. I like the scales though...
I've "neg rep'd" twice since I've joined this site...and only because I have the option to leave a lil' msg explaining why I think that persons a fukn' idiot....
Martin Bashir resigns over sarah Palin being asshurt by his remarks.
What's the problem, I would have thought that she is used to having shit in her mouth, since it flows out by the bucket load very time she opens it.
What's the problem, I would have thought that she is used to having shit in her mouth, since it flows out by the bucket load very time she opens it.
twistedthreads
Active member
I don't think I have ever Neg repped anyone..But I just wanted you to know that some of us don't have the option to neg rep...
I don't think I have ever Neg repped anyone..But I just wanted you to know that some of us don't have the option to neg rep...
I was in a fucking awful mood.
If we took all the money that we in the west spend on food in one week, we could feed the 3rd world for one whole year. now I don't know about you, but that really makes me think.
I think we are being overcharged for our groceries.
Thank You Jimmy Carr
I think we are being overcharged for our groceries.
Thank You Jimmy Carr
Within the next century, white people and black people, will finally live together in harmony.
In Chinese concentration camps.
In Chinese concentration camps.
Whining about rep aint funny. There is a thread for you neg rep whiners elsewhere. Get back to the humor please! Twistedthreads is a funny dude. More!
I wasn't whining.....I was Whinging. Get it straight. Yorkshiremen do not Whine, we whinge, we moan, we may even grumble, but we do not whine.
When I tell a joke I get groans! If I start to tell another, that's when the whining begins!
"Pumpkin ... funny story" !
Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinntt County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:
'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'
.
Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinntt County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:
'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'
.
The birds & the bees.
A woman and her 10 year old son were riding in a taxi in New York . It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
"Mom " said the boy, "what are all these women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replies.
The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez, lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, kid! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"
With a straight face, she said; "Most of them become taxi drivers."
A woman and her 10 year old son were riding in a taxi in New York . It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
"Mom " said the boy, "what are all these women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replies.
The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez, lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, kid! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"
With a straight face, she said; "Most of them become taxi drivers."
