The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Harry Gypsna]

What's the difference, between James Dean and Paul Walker?

About 60 years.

 

[Hank Hemp]

To soon and work on it.

 

[Harry Gypsna]

Never fuck blonde midgets.
It's not big and it's not clever.

 

[kaochiu]

This touareg man, twelve weeks across the desert, carrying on where any normal being would have perished long ago. At nights, all his companionship was a wore out photograph of Pamela Anderson he would stare under the feeble light of the creeping firewood he'd make to scare off jackals. His sexual urge became dominant, and his stare turned towards the camel. The poor animal, knowing what was coming next, but with a leg bent and tied, could only move short steps, enough for avoiding the impetuous touareg advances. He only got more excited. The camel was now trying to scape on three legs.
At the same time, Pamela Anderson was walking through a sure shortcut across the beach towards the filmset from her hotel, but alas, she got lost. After a lot of time walking, she realised she was lost in the Sahara desert and desperation overturned her. Suddenly, she saw a man with a turban but otherwise half naked following a camel.
She run to him, pulled out the top of her bikini off and said "I'm Pamela Anderson, and I'll do whatever you ask me if you take me out of here". The man stared in disbelief, crying "Allah be praised! Just hold this fuckin camel, will ya?"

 

[Hank Hemp]

You're on that slippery slope Harry. Maybe you're trying to hard.

Let me try one OK?

A young man with a stammer wants to marry his best gal. So he asks her and she agrees if he'll go to the doctor to see about this terrible stammer he has. Well the Doc checks him out from his head to his feet and every place in between. The only abnormality the young man has is a overly large penis. Well the Dr. tells him his options are to reduce the size of his penis by surgery or just leave it be. So he goes to his girl and tells her that this penis reduction surgery should work and says "S-s-sw-sweet-heart I will do anything for you so w-w-we can wed." Well he has the surgery and it works wonders. Clears his stammer perfectly, they wed and are very happy. Tell one night after sex she leans over and whispers in his ear, that his stammer wasn't "that" bad and could he go and see about getting it reattached to it's full length. Of course he say's yes to his new bride and goes to the Dr., ASAP. He walks into the Drs office and sits down and explains what he wants to the Dr. The Dr. then looks the new husband straight in the eye and says F-f-f-fuck y-y-you B-b-bu-buddy.

I don't care who you are that's funny.

 

[Harry Gypsna]

If the Tories, and Labour, are 2 cheeks of the same Arse, does that make the Lib-Dems a Tumor, straddling the crack?

 

[Weezard]

Just above the republican starfish?

W.

 

[Harry Gypsna]

What's white and shoots across the sky?
The coming of Jesus.

 

[Hank Hemp]

roll tide

roll tide

This is funny

Twas the night after Auburn and all through the land, not a “Roll Tide” was uttered by a Crimson Tide fan. They used to be boisterous, they used to be loud, they used to be boastful, and cocky and proud. But they lost all their swagger, they lost all their swing. For one little second had changed everything. The score it was even. The clock had run dry. When Nicholas Saban then started to cry. He demanded a second be put on the clock. The worse that could happen? A miss or a block. But fate it is fickle, and greed has a price, and what happened next just wasn’t too nice. The previous kicks, wide left and wide right. So he put in a rookie, 'twas not very bright. The kick was a boomer of 56 yards, but the extra yard needed was not in the cards. And back in the end zone a lone Tiger stood. He caught that ol’ football, he caught it real good. He started to run, he heard the cheers grow. The Crimson Tide offense? Too fat and too slow. One hundred and nine, he ran for a score. If needed, he could have run one hundred more. The crowd it erupted while storming the field. The Crimson Tide’s season was settled and sealed. A cry of “War Eagle” soon echoed the Plain. Nick Saban’s expression was one of pure pain. And up in Ohio they shouted "Go Bucks." For it gave hope to all, well, except for the Ducks. And in Tuscaloosa you could hear a pin drop. And in Tallahassee a tomahawk chop. For the night after Auburn, the Tide has no clue. The new boss in town wears Orange and Blue! (Author: Chuck Porretto | Photo: Shanna Lockwood)
Un

 

[Hank Hemp]

Your trying to hard Harry G. Go for quality over quantity. Just a though.

 

[Stonefree69]

Keep up the coachin Hank! Saw this joke on tv yesterday:

How do you castrate a hillbilly?

Hit his sister in the jaw.

 

[Only Ornamental]

Bricking the camel

Bricking the camel

A white dude wanted to cross the sahara on camelback and was haggling with a camel merchant in Tanger for the most persistent one when a Berber approached him. He told him '10 dirham and I give good advice, you save lots of money!'
Well, the white dude was more intrigued than interested but had enough spare coins.. Pouching the money, the Berber went on 'Listen, you not need expensive camel, it die anyway. Trick is to make camel drink lots of water and any camel will do!'
The guy replied 'Well, sure... I will water the camel well before crossing the desert. And for that I gave you 10 bucks? Darn!'
The Berber gave him a sly smile and said 'That not will do . 10 dirham for me telling you how to water properly.... or you die in desert!'
Well, that tourist passed him some more coins and the berber went on 'See, you only need to brick the camel!'
'Brick the camel? WTF?! You try to scam me or what?'
The berber shruged his shoulders and said 'Sir no Sir! I never do that! Well... not with you, you trust me, I honest person! But for 10 dirham I tell how to brick camel and survive desert...'
So the white guy thought that he already spent quite some money and a bit more won't hurt. Thereupon, the Berber told him 'Listen carefully, when water camel, you take brick in every hand and you stand behind camel. Seconds before camel stops drinking, you hit its balls with bricks and it goes *shshshshllllluuuuuuurrrrrrrppppppppppssssss* and will be full with enough water for crossing desert safely!'

 

[MJBadger]

Like the camel trainer telling the apprentice to brick the camel on the testicles to get it to run faster .

"Won`t it hurt " ? Only if you get your thumbs trapped between the bricks .

 

[Weezard]

That reminds me of a favorite.
When I was a wee lad in Ohio, our burg had an electric trolly.
There were wires strung at about 15 feet over the main streets to power it.

A young, blond, woman approached the ticket booth and asked the clerk.
If I step on the tracks will I get electrocuted?
Without looking up, or missing a beat, the rascal said,
"Not unless you throw your other leg up over the wire. "


Aloha,
Wee

 

[Midnite Toker]

Cheapest meat on earth? Deer testicles. They’re under a buck!
~mT

 

[Iffy]

Cheapest meat on earth? Deer testicles. They’re under a buck!
~mT

 

[Only Ornamental]

Hey Iffy, enjoy THIS

 

[Stonefree69]

Cheapest meat on earth? Deer testicles. They’re under a buck!
~mT

Q: How could the redneck mom tell that her daughter was on her period?

A: She could taste the blood on her son’s dick!

 

[5th]

In reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why dont you get me a whisky you bitch." The stewardess, flustered by the parrots outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the mans cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky you slut." Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrots whisky but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, "Ive asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now or Im going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!" Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who cant fly, you sure are a lippy bastard... "

 

[Hank Hemp]

thought better of you Stone and nice try 5th but no cigar.