The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Harry Gypsna]

A man goes to buy some toilet paper. He is bewildered by the huge range of arsewipe avaiable and asks for some advice.
"well sir, we've got the super deluxe 4 ply quilted, at £3 for 4 rolls. The regular deluxe 3 ply with aloe vera for sore arses at £5 for 9 rolls, and we have the regular 2 ply quilted at £3:50 for 9 rolls."
"Do you have anything cheaper?" asks the man
"Certainly sir, on the bottom shelf we have the John Wayne toilet paper."
"John Wayne toilet paper?" queries the man, "Why is it caled John Wayne?"
And the shopkeeper replies "Because it's rough and tough, it it don't take shit off of anybody!"

 

[VanVulpen]

The official European joke

The official European joke

European paradise:
You are invited to an official lunch. You are welcomed by an Englishman. Food is prepared by a Frenchman and an Italian puts you in the mood and everything is organised by a German.

European hell:
You are invited to an official lunch. You are welcomed by a Frenchman. Food is prepared by an Englishman, German puts you in the mood but, don’t worry, everything is organised by an Italian.

That joke was proposed by a Belgian as the Official European Joke, the joke that every single European pupil should learn at school. The Joke will improve the relationship between the nations as well as promote our self humour and our culture.
The European Council met in order to make a decision. Should the joke be the Official European Joke or not?


The British representative announced, with a very serious face and without moving his jaw, that the joke was absolutely hilarious.
The French one protested because France was depicted in a bad way in the joke. He explained that a joke cannot be funny if it is against France.


Poland also protested because they were not depicted in the joke.
Luxembourg asked who would hold the copyright on the joke. The Swedish representative didn’t say a word, but looked at everyone with a twisted smile.


Denmark asked where the explicit sexual reference was. If it is a joke, there should be one, shouldn’t there?
Holland didn’t get the joke, while Portugal didn’t understand what a “joke” was. Was it a new concept?


Spain explained that the joke is funny only if you know that the lunch was at 13h, which is normally breakfast time. Greece complained that they were not aware of that lunch, that they missed an occasion to have some free food, that they were always forgotten. Romania then asked what a “lunch” was.


Lithuania et Latvia complained that their translations were inverted, which is unacceptable even if it happens all the time. Slovenia told them that its own translation was completely forgotten and that they do not make a fuss. Slovakia announced that, unless the joke was about a little duck and a plumber, there was a mistake in their translation. The British representative said that the duck and plumber story seemed very funny too.
Hungary had not finished reading the 120 pages of its own translation yet.


Then, the Belgian representative asked if the Belgian who proposed the joke was a Dutch speaking or a French speaking Belgian. Because, in one case, he would of course support a compatriot but, in the other case, he would have to refuse it, regardless of the quality of the joke.


To close the meeting, the German representative announced that it was nice to have the debate here in Brussels but that, now, they all had to make the train to Strasbourg in order to take a decision. He asked that someone to wake up the Italian, so as not to miss the train, so they can come back to Brussels and announce the decision to the press before the end of the day.
“What decision?” asked the Irish representative.


And they all agreed it was time for some coffee.

 

[GET MO]

I must be Italian... that joke put me to sleep.

 

[moodster]

when the inventor of the crossword Arthur Wynne died they buried him 8 down and 12 across !!

 

[foaf]

Man and wife playing golf....

Wife, "Honey, its our 30th anniversary today and there is something I need to tell you"

Man asks "what is it darling?"

"I should have told you sooner, I'm transgender, I'm really a man who had an operation and that's why we never had children"

Man - "You lying bitch. Thirty years of deceiving me. I fell like such a fool. So for thirty years you've played me for a fool..... teeing off from the ladies tee."

 

[Harry Gypsna]

European paradise:
You are invited to an official lunch. You are welcomed by an Englishman. Food is prepared by a Frenchman and an Italian puts you in the mood and everything is organised by a German.

European hell:
You are invited to an official lunch. You are welcomed by a Frenchman. Food is prepared by an Englishman, German puts you in the mood but, don’t worry, everything is organised by an Italian.
View Image

That joke was proposed by a Belgian as the Official European Joke, the joke that every single European pupil should learn at school. The Joke will improve the relationship between the nations as well as promote our self humour and our culture.
The European Council met in order to make a decision. Should the joke be the Official European Joke or not?


The British representative announced, with a very serious face and without moving his jaw, that the joke was absolutely hilarious.
The French one protested because France was depicted in a bad way in the joke. He explained that a joke cannot be funny if it is against France.


Poland also protested because they were not depicted in the joke.
Luxembourg asked who would hold the copyright on the joke. The Swedish representative didn’t say a word, but looked at everyone with a twisted smile.


Denmark asked where the explicit sexual reference was. If it is a joke, there should be one, shouldn’t there?
Holland didn’t get the joke, while Portugal didn’t understand what a “joke” was. Was it a new concept?


Spain explained that the joke is funny only if you know that the lunch was at 13h, which is normally breakfast time. Greece complained that they were not aware of that lunch, that they missed an occasion to have some free food, that they were always forgotten. Romania then asked what a “lunch” was.


Lithuania et Latvia complained that their translations were inverted, which is unacceptable even if it happens all the time. Slovenia told them that its own translation was completely forgotten and that they do not make a fuss. Slovakia announced that, unless the joke was about a little duck and a plumber, there was a mistake in their translation. The British representative said that the duck and plumber story seemed very funny too.
Hungary had not finished reading the 120 pages of its own translation yet.


Then, the Belgian representative asked if the Belgian who proposed the joke was a Dutch speaking or a French speaking Belgian. Because, in one case, he would of course support a compatriot but, in the other case, he would have to refuse it, regardless of the quality of the joke.


To close the meeting, the German representative announced that it was nice to have the debate here in Brussels but that, now, they all had to make the train to Strasbourg in order to take a decision. He asked that someone to wake up the Italian, so as not to miss the train, so they can come back to Brussels and announce the decision to the press before the end of the day.
“What decision?” asked the Irish representative.


And they all agreed it was time for some coffee.

You missed the part about them all being based in Liechtenstein for tax purposes.

 

[Stonefree69]

Here's a short one

 

[Hank Hemp]

I see you're trying harder, good job Stonefree69!! You had been coming up a bit short. Oh No he didn't say that!!!

 

[5th]

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her. "Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "Its Thalidomide," she said, "I just cant get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"

 

[Hank Hemp]

Your hard. Bet the young folks don't get it.

 

[5th]

Well think of it this way Hank, if we'd have had "google" back in the day...we wouldn't have had all that fun finding shit out the hard way.

 

[Harry Gypsna]

Why did the blonde stare at the Orange juice??


Because the carton said Concentrate.

 

[trichrider]

apologies if this was...before.

50th Wedding Anniversary

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one .. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today.."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father, "We're glad you were able to come.

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello and happ y anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything.

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones, too."

 

[5th]

A woman walks into her accountants office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, Ill need to ask a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "Im a high-priced whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Lets try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, Im a high-end call girl!"
"No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "Im an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."

 

[trichrider]

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!"

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked.

"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"

"Oh, that", she said; "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"

 

[hup234]

when the inventor of the crossword Arthur Wynne died they buried him 8 down and 12 across !!

In America we bury em 6 down with across...

 

[greenmatter]

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her. "Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "Its Thalidomide," she said, "I just cant get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"

if you thought that was sick you should stop reading NOW!!!!

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fuck you ... you had your chance

Q) what is 19 inches long, has a purple head ,and makes woman scream?

?


?


? A) crib death


can't say i didn't warn ya

 

[noyd666]

and god promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. then he made the earth round and laughed and laughed.

 

[Stonefree69]

 

[Chamba]

I fucking love this thread.....