B
blue green
EXERCISE
...EX..ER..CISE
...EX..AR..SIZE
...EGGS..ARE..SIDES
...FOR BACON...
BACON.
...EX..ER..CISE
...EX..AR..SIZE
...EGGS..ARE..SIDES
...FOR BACON...
BACON.
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Happy Birthday ICMag! Been 20 years since Gypsy Nirvana created the forum! We are celebrating with a 4/20 Giveaway and by launching a new Patreon tier called "420club". You can read more here.
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While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. "Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny. "Nope." replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?". Again Jimmy says "Nope." "You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."
what's the worst part about a lung transplant?
coughing up someone else's phlegm.
coughing up someone else's phlegm.
ijumpbones
New member
I have a joke for ya!
Go to Facebook and look for the STOP WEED SMOKING page. It is the funnies shit in the world. It's obviously a troll page, which is what makes it funny.
Go to Facebook and look for the STOP WEED SMOKING page. It is the funnies shit in the world. It's obviously a troll page, which is what makes it funny.
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best
patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'
The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'
patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'
The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'
A
amfumuriincap
Always take your driver’s license picture STONED, so when you get pulled over, the cop will think you always look like that.
Hi folks, great thread.
Well, here's another long one:
A parish vicar had eaten a vindaloo the previous, Saturday evening. Ghandi took his revenge about half way through his service the following day. t was like a hot knife in his guts and he squeezed his knees together and prayed. Somehow he got through the service and almost wriggling in pain, sees the last of his parishioners off at the steps. Now he's faced with a stark choice: Two miles down the lane to the vicarage, or one mile up the lane to the village pub! He leaps astride his bicycle and makes for the village pub.
The pedalling however undoes his plans and he's forced to stop and head for the bushes. He charges through the hedgerow, lifts his cassocks and goes for it.
Jack the poacher approaches the action from the field and hears the commotion, followed by the rasping of the vicar's release. Jack parts the hedge and spies the vicar, spluttering away and smiles to himself. He quickly slices open the rabbit hanging from his belt and rips out its guts, throwing them onto the pile the vicar's just made. He sneaks off, laughing softly to himself.
Ten minutes pass and the front door of the pub crashes open and in hobbles the vicar. His hair sticking up and a shocked, ghostly look on his face. "A large brandy landlord"! He yells and the landlord jumps off his stool. "Why vicar, whatever is the matter? What on earth has happened to you"?
The vicar's eyes water and he replies: "Well, without putting too fine a point on it, by the grace of god and a small stick......I got it all back in"!!
Well, here's another long one:
A parish vicar had eaten a vindaloo the previous, Saturday evening. Ghandi took his revenge about half way through his service the following day. t was like a hot knife in his guts and he squeezed his knees together and prayed. Somehow he got through the service and almost wriggling in pain, sees the last of his parishioners off at the steps. Now he's faced with a stark choice: Two miles down the lane to the vicarage, or one mile up the lane to the village pub! He leaps astride his bicycle and makes for the village pub.
The pedalling however undoes his plans and he's forced to stop and head for the bushes. He charges through the hedgerow, lifts his cassocks and goes for it.
Jack the poacher approaches the action from the field and hears the commotion, followed by the rasping of the vicar's release. Jack parts the hedge and spies the vicar, spluttering away and smiles to himself. He quickly slices open the rabbit hanging from his belt and rips out its guts, throwing them onto the pile the vicar's just made. He sneaks off, laughing softly to himself.
Ten minutes pass and the front door of the pub crashes open and in hobbles the vicar. His hair sticking up and a shocked, ghostly look on his face. "A large brandy landlord"! He yells and the landlord jumps off his stool. "Why vicar, whatever is the matter? What on earth has happened to you"?
The vicar's eyes water and he replies: "Well, without putting too fine a point on it, by the grace of god and a small stick......I got it all back in"!!
so this guy gets so shit hammered that he loses his car. now he's stumbling down the street looking for it. he's trying his key in every lock he comes to, but of course none of them works because it isn't his car.
after about ten minutes of this, a cop pulls up and shines his light on him.
"excuse me sir. what the hell are you doing?"
the drunk answers, "just looking for my car officer. it was attached to this key earlier, but now it's gone."
the cop has to take a minute to collect himself to keep from laughing at the poor s.o.b.
"ok buddy. just as well. if you had found your car, i'd probably have to take you in for a DUI right now. tell you what. go down to the precinct house and tell them what happened. by the time they're done filing the report, you should be sober enough to find your car and drive home safely. just one thing though. you might want to zipper your fly before you walk in there. your dick is hanging out of your trousers."
the drunk looks down and says, "awww fuck. i lost my girlfriend too."
after about ten minutes of this, a cop pulls up and shines his light on him.
"excuse me sir. what the hell are you doing?"
the drunk answers, "just looking for my car officer. it was attached to this key earlier, but now it's gone."
the cop has to take a minute to collect himself to keep from laughing at the poor s.o.b.
"ok buddy. just as well. if you had found your car, i'd probably have to take you in for a DUI right now. tell you what. go down to the precinct house and tell them what happened. by the time they're done filing the report, you should be sober enough to find your car and drive home safely. just one thing though. you might want to zipper your fly before you walk in there. your dick is hanging out of your trousers."
the drunk looks down and says, "awww fuck. i lost my girlfriend too."
A regular walks into his favorite bar and bellies up to the bar. The bartender asks him what you want tonight. The man says water, I got so drunk last night I blew chunks. The bar tender says, allot of people throw up and still drink again the next day. The man says, you don't understand Chunks is my dog!
guy walks in to a bar in a strange town and orders a drink. looking around the bar, he notices there are no women in the bar at all. not a single one. he calls the bartender over, orders another drink, and asks him, "how come there are only guys in here? when i go out drinking, i like that there should be some ladies for me to look at."
the bartender replies, "yeah well, i hear you, but it's just not that kind of place. it's always been all fellas in here for as long as i can remember. but hey, if you're feeling frisky, there's always jerry. just say the word and i'll make it happen."
shocked, the guy says, "not a chance. i'm not into that kind of shit."
an he orders another drink...
and another...
and another and another...
pretty wrecked now, the guys calls the bartender over again.
"hey bartender. i been thinking about what ya said earlier about this jerry guy. now if i was to do that, nobody would have to know about it except you, me, and jerry, right?"
"well yeah," the bartender says, "you, me, jerry, and bill."
"BILL?!?! who the fuck is BILL?!?!" the guy asks.
"well buddy, somebody has to hold jerry down. he's not into that kind of shit either."
the bartender replies, "yeah well, i hear you, but it's just not that kind of place. it's always been all fellas in here for as long as i can remember. but hey, if you're feeling frisky, there's always jerry. just say the word and i'll make it happen."
shocked, the guy says, "not a chance. i'm not into that kind of shit."
an he orders another drink...
and another...
and another and another...
pretty wrecked now, the guys calls the bartender over again.
"hey bartender. i been thinking about what ya said earlier about this jerry guy. now if i was to do that, nobody would have to know about it except you, me, and jerry, right?"
"well yeah," the bartender says, "you, me, jerry, and bill."
"BILL?!?! who the fuck is BILL?!?!" the guy asks.
"well buddy, somebody has to hold jerry down. he's not into that kind of shit either."
Horse and chicken
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a
mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the
farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm
but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back
to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws
the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car
forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow
again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to
the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I
think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of
the hole and said, 'Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.' And
the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a
Porsche to pick up chicks!
Grandma and her little girl
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.
"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they f**k you every time!"
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a
mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the
farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm
but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back
to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws
the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car
forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow
again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to
the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I
think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of
the hole and said, 'Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.' And
the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a
Porsche to pick up chicks!
Grandma and her little girl
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.
"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they f**k you every time!"
Tea party
Mother was out, and dad was in charge. His little girl was maybe 2 1/2 years old.
Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the
evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, mom came home.
Dad made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Mom waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Law enforcement test
The CIA, the FBI, and the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later dragging a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming, "Okay, okay! I'm a RABBIT!! I'm a RABBIT!!"
Mother was out, and dad was in charge. His little girl was maybe 2 1/2 years old.
Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the
evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, mom came home.
Dad made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Mom waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Law enforcement test
The CIA, the FBI, and the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later dragging a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming, "Okay, okay! I'm a RABBIT!! I'm a RABBIT!!"
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off!"
Dick too big
There is this guy who has a 25 inch dick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure.
She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his cock will shrink 5 inches.
He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?" The frog says "no" And his prick shrinks five inches.
The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?" Frog: "No, I won't marry you." The guys dick shrinks another five inches.
But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?"
Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!
There is this guy who has a 25 inch dick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure.
She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his cock will shrink 5 inches.
He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?" The frog says "no" And his prick shrinks five inches.
The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?" Frog: "No, I won't marry you." The guys dick shrinks another five inches.
But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?"
Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!
I
im me
Why did sally fall out the swing..
Cause she has no arms
Knock knock...
Whos there
Not sally
Cause she has no arms
Knock knock...
Whos there
Not sally
guy walks into a bar.
he orders a drink.
then he exclaims, "All lawyers are assholes!"
another patron of the bar speaks up.
"Excuse me sir. I'll have you know that deeply resent your remark."
the guy replies, "Oh yeah buddy? What are you, a fucking lawyer or something?"
"No," comes the response. "I'm an asshole."
he orders a drink.
then he exclaims, "All lawyers are assholes!"
another patron of the bar speaks up.
"Excuse me sir. I'll have you know that deeply resent your remark."
the guy replies, "Oh yeah buddy? What are you, a fucking lawyer or something?"
"No," comes the response. "I'm an asshole."
Dick too big
Dick too big
A man has a bad stammer and a girlfriend he wants to marry. He asks her to wed several times. Finally she says if you go to the doctor and see about your stammer we'll marry. So he goes and the doctor checks him got head to toe and every where in the middle. He comes the the conclusion that the mans penis is way to large. After talking with his girl friend they decide go go ahead with the procedure. The Dr. removes enough of the penis to help the man. The stammer disappears and every ones happy. Well about a month into the marriage the men wife says, you know your stammer wasn't all that bad really. Why don't you go back to the doc to see if he can put the extra length back on. Well he wants to please his new wife and returns to the Dr. He ask the doctor sir can you restore my penis to it's original length? The doctor looks at him and says FFFFuck you buddy.
Now that's funny
Dick too big
A man has a bad stammer and a girlfriend he wants to marry. He asks her to wed several times. Finally she says if you go to the doctor and see about your stammer we'll marry. So he goes and the doctor checks him got head to toe and every where in the middle. He comes the the conclusion that the mans penis is way to large. After talking with his girl friend they decide go go ahead with the procedure. The Dr. removes enough of the penis to help the man. The stammer disappears and every ones happy. Well about a month into the marriage the men wife says, you know your stammer wasn't all that bad really. Why don't you go back to the doc to see if he can put the extra length back on. Well he wants to please his new wife and returns to the Dr. He ask the doctor sir can you restore my penis to it's original length? The doctor looks at him and says FFFFuck you buddy.
Now that's funny
Talking parrots
This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing: 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' " "That's terrible! " the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. You can put them with my two male talking parrots. I taught them to read the bible and pray the rosary. " The lady brings over her parrots and puts them in the priest's cage. "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun? " they say. One male parrot looks over at the other and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered."
This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing: 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' " "That's terrible! " the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. You can put them with my two male talking parrots. I taught them to read the bible and pray the rosary. " The lady brings over her parrots and puts them in the priest's cage. "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun? " they say. One male parrot looks over at the other and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered."
Wonderon
Member
Re: The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!
Sorry if this is a repost. Thought it was worth sharing.
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."
Sent from my ADR6425LVW using Tapatalk 2
Sorry if this is a repost. Thought it was worth sharing.
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."
Sent from my ADR6425LVW using Tapatalk 2
