A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!"
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Happy Birthday ICMag! Been 20 years since Gypsy Nirvana created the forum! We are celebrating with a 4/20 Giveaway and by launching a new Patreon tier called "420club". You can read more here.
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why does the easter bunny keep hiding his eggs...
.... because he doesnt want any one to find out hes fucking a chicken.
.... because he doesnt want any one to find out hes fucking a chicken.
A
amfumuriincap
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter
He replies " Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie"
The first man asks "Can i make a wish? "
Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants
The man says " I want a Million Bucks "
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head
And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt He?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter
He replies " Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie"
The first man asks "Can i make a wish? "
Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants
The man says " I want a Million Bucks "
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head
And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt He?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
A
amfumuriincap
1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair
1970: The perfect high
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1970: KEG
2000: EKG
1970: Acid Rock
2000: Acid Reflux
1970: Growing pot
2000: Growing pot belly
1970: Seeds and stems
2000: Roughage
1970: Paar
2000: AARP
1970: Killer weed
2000: Weed killer
1970: Hoping for a BMW
2000: Hoping for a BM
1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint
2000: Getting a new hip joint
1970: Rolling Stones
2000: Kidney stones
1970: Peace sign
2000: Mercedes logo
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1970: Take acid
2000: Take antacid
1970: Passing the driver's test
2000: Passing the vision test
1970: "Whatever"
2000: "Depends"
2000: Longing for hair
1970: The perfect high
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1970: KEG
2000: EKG
1970: Acid Rock
2000: Acid Reflux
1970: Growing pot
2000: Growing pot belly
1970: Seeds and stems
2000: Roughage
1970: Paar
2000: AARP
1970: Killer weed
2000: Weed killer
1970: Hoping for a BMW
2000: Hoping for a BM
1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint
2000: Getting a new hip joint
1970: Rolling Stones
2000: Kidney stones
1970: Peace sign
2000: Mercedes logo
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1970: Take acid
2000: Take antacid
1970: Passing the driver's test
2000: Passing the vision test
1970: "Whatever"
2000: "Depends"
A
amfumuriincap
A high school English teacher reminds her class of
tomorrow's final exam.
She also tells them that there will be no excuse
for failing to show up,
except for serious injury, illness, or a death in
the student's immediate
family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room pipes up
and asks the teacher out
loud, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The
entire class has all it
can do keep from breaking up, being barely able to
stifle its laughter and
snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher
smiles sympathetically
at
the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"You can write with your
other hand then."
tomorrow's final exam.
She also tells them that there will be no excuse
for failing to show up,
except for serious injury, illness, or a death in
the student's immediate
family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room pipes up
and asks the teacher out
loud, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The
entire class has all it
can do keep from breaking up, being barely able to
stifle its laughter and
snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher
smiles sympathetically
at
the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"You can write with your
other hand then."
C
Chamba
Life goal:have a threesome with two midget strippers
male or female...or doesn't it matter? lol
male or female...or doesn't it matter? lol
C
Chamba
My life ambition is to bunga-bunga the latest winner of the Miss World competition and the two runners up while bouncing up and down on the world's longest bungy jump that has been converted into yo-yo with the world's longest drop......and sure, I realize there's a possibility of complications on the change-overs between 1st, 2nd and 3rd, but hey, I'm not worried as
a) I always carry spare batteries.
b) I know who's on first?
c) .....hmmmm, anyway, there's always Photoshop
a) I always carry spare batteries.
b) I know who's on first?
c) .....hmmmm, anyway, there's always Photoshop
A
amfumuriincap
Pinocchio was fed up with the recent complaints from his wife. "Every time we make love, I get splinters."
So, Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the Carpenter, for advice. "Sandpaper," said the carpenter, "that’s what you need." So, Pinocchio took the sandpaper home. A few weeks later, the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again.
"How are you getting along with the girls now?" \
"Who needs girls?" replied Pinocchio.
So, Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the Carpenter, for advice. "Sandpaper," said the carpenter, "that’s what you need." So, Pinocchio took the sandpaper home. A few weeks later, the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again.
"How are you getting along with the girls now?" \
"Who needs girls?" replied Pinocchio.
A
amfumuriincap
A certain college professor was known for getting off topic during lectures
His favorite off-topic subject was "the evils of marijuana".
One day into his lecture he started talking about weed,
"Used regularly," he explained,"pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!"
Now wait a minute, professor," interrupted a student. "Castration? Now that's absurd!"
"Yes young man, it's sadly true," replied the professor smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"
His favorite off-topic subject was "the evils of marijuana".
One day into his lecture he started talking about weed,
"Used regularly," he explained,"pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!"
Now wait a minute, professor," interrupted a student. "Castration? Now that's absurd!"
"Yes young man, it's sadly true," replied the professor smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"
A
amfumuriincap
There was a cat by the lake and a sausage came floating by the cat put its paw in and wet its paw.
Then a few minutes later a bigger sausage came floating by and the cat fell in.
The moral of this story the bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy.
Then a few minutes later a bigger sausage came floating by and the cat fell in.
The moral of this story the bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy.
A
amfumuriincap
A vegetarian has a carrot sticking out of one ear, celery out of the other, and a mushroom up his nose.
He goes to the doctor and asks him what's wrong.
The doctor tells him, "Well, for one thing, you're not eating right.
He goes to the doctor and asks him what's wrong.
The doctor tells him, "Well, for one thing, you're not eating right.
A
amfumuriincap
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period.
Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started,
she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson&Hedges".
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson&Hedges pack:
"Extra Long King Size."
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing.
Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways".
Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and
finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said:
"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.
Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started,
she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson&Hedges".
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson&Hedges pack:
"Extra Long King Size."
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing.
Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways".
Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and
finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said:
"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.
A
amfumuriincap
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
A
amfumuriincap
Q: What do you call one bowl between three tokers ?
A: Malnutrition.
A: Malnutrition.
A
amfumuriincap
Q: What is a stoners idea of a balanced diet?
A: A joint in each hand!
A: A joint in each hand!
A
amfumuriincap
Q: How do you know your a pothead?
A: You studied five days for a urine test?
A: You studied five days for a urine test?
A
amfumuriincap
Q: What is Reality?
A: An illusion caused by a lack of good weed.
A: An illusion caused by a lack of good weed.
A
amfumuriincap
Q: What is a stoner's favorite dream?
A: Getting so high he can eat a star.
A: Getting so high he can eat a star.
B
blue green
Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'
More heavy breathing and another minute later.
Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'
Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'
Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'
More heavy breathing and another minute later.
Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'
Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'
