On the other hand, Extra strong mints, are to be encouraged. As is Champagne, and Creme de menthe.
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On the other hand, Extra strong mints, are to be encouraged. As is Champagne, and Creme de menthe.
my wife was such a horrible cook that a swarm of flies got together to repair the screens on all of our windows.......
A woman goes to a tattoo shop and asks the guy to tattoo Christmas on one thigh and New year on the other. The guy did it and took the money, but as she left he said 'Do you mind if I ask why you wanted that?' She said 'I'm sick of my husband moaning there's nothing to eat in between Christmas and New year!'
On similar lines...
One morning a boy got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire.
His father said, 'Son, where are you going?'
The son replied, 'I'm going to catch me some chickens.'
The father said, 'Son, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire.' But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing.
Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand. The father thought, 'I guess he knows what he's doing.'
The next morning, the son got up and was leaving the house with some duck tape.
The father said, 'Son, where are you going?'
The son replied, 'I'm going to catch some ducks.'
The father yelled, 'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!'
The son insisted that he knew what he was doing.
Later on that day the son came home with two ducks under each arm. The father thought, 'Shoot, I guess he does know what he's doing!!'
The next morning the son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of pussywillows.
The father said, 'Hold up, son, let me put on my shoes!'
On similar lines...
One morning a boy got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire.
His father said, 'Son, where are you going?'
The son replied, 'I'm going to catch me some chickens.'
The father said, 'Son, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire.' But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing.
Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand. The father thought, 'I guess he knows what he's doing.'
The next morning, the son got up and was leaving the house with some duck tape.
The father said, 'Son, where are you going?'
The son replied, 'I'm going to catch some ducks.'
The father yelled, 'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!'
The son insisted that he knew what he was doing.
Later on that day the son came home with two ducks under each arm. The father thought, 'Shoot, I guess he does know what he's doing!!'
The next morning the son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of pussywillows.
The father said, 'Hold up, son, let me put on my shoes!'
Wife gets surprise dinner
During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone ☎ rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go . It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence, when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused: "Happy Birthday"..
Killer jigsaw puzzle
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces
into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax.
Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone ☎ rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go . It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence, when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused: "Happy Birthday"..
Killer jigsaw puzzle
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces
into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax.
Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
A man and a woman are getting married, and as they stand outside the church being showered with confetti, they see a dog sat on the grass licking his genitals.
"I can't wait to do that!" says the bride with a devillish look on her face.
"You be careful he doesn't bite you!" replies the groom.
"I can't wait to do that!" says the bride with a devillish look on her face.
"You be careful he doesn't bite you!" replies the groom.
Happily ever after
Married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
A big international conference for the worlds top surgeons.
A surgeon from Norway tells of how a man lost an arm in an industrial accident. The surgeon and his team made a bionic arm and attached it, and now the man is back at work and has actually put 10 other people out of a job, due to his super arm.
A surgeon from the US tells of a man who was injured in a horrible car accident, lost all his limbs and half his brain. This surgeon and his team made new limbs and a special computer brain. The man is back at work and has put 100 people out of a job.
The British surgeon tells of how he was walking down the street, smelled a fart, caught the fart in a plastic bag and constructed a complete person from the fart. They called him George Osborne, and hes put millions out of work.
A surgeon from Norway tells of how a man lost an arm in an industrial accident. The surgeon and his team made a bionic arm and attached it, and now the man is back at work and has actually put 10 other people out of a job, due to his super arm.
A surgeon from the US tells of a man who was injured in a horrible car accident, lost all his limbs and half his brain. This surgeon and his team made new limbs and a special computer brain. The man is back at work and has put 100 people out of a job.
The British surgeon tells of how he was walking down the street, smelled a fart, caught the fart in a plastic bag and constructed a complete person from the fart. They called him George Osborne, and hes put millions out of work.
To all my friends
At this time of the year, when police roadblocks come up with great regularity, I would like to share a personal experience about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage..
At this time of the year, when police roadblocks come up with great regularity, I would like to share a personal experience about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage..
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.
A man gets pulled over by the police, they ask for his licence, he gives it, they check it out and return it.
The policeman asks "Have you been drinking sir?"
"Why do you ask officer, was I driving erratically?" Asked the man.
"You are on your lawnmower sir!" Replied the policeman.
The policeman asks "Have you been drinking sir?"
"Why do you ask officer, was I driving erratically?" Asked the man.
"You are on your lawnmower sir!" Replied the policeman.
So Santa and Jesus walk into a bar...
unspoken
Member
Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder and he’s so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free.”
The second man said, “My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He’’s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs.”
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, “My son is a stock broker and he’s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio.”
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, “We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?” The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is gay. I’m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio.”
The second man said, “My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He’’s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs.”
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, “My son is a stock broker and he’s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio.”
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, “We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?” The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is gay. I’m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio.”
Y'll see
Y'll see
If you put a little bit of effort into your humor YOU can be funny. Good job stoner
Y'll see
If you put a little bit of effort into your humor YOU can be funny. Good job stoner
Stay Puft
Member
I was in a bar Saturday night, and had a few beers.
I noticed two very large women seated by themselves
at the far end of the bar.
They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are
you two ladies from Ireland ?"
One of them snidely replied, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"
So I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two
whales from Ireland ?"
That's pretty much the last thing I remember...."
I noticed two very large women seated by themselves
at the far end of the bar.
They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are
you two ladies from Ireland ?"
One of them snidely replied, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"
So I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two
whales from Ireland ?"
That's pretty much the last thing I remember...."
