Q: What do you call a black man who flies an airplane???
...
A: A pilot you fucking bigot.
...
A: A pilot you fucking bigot.
What's the difference between a Dutchman and a canoe?
A canoe tips.
A canoe tips.
what's the difference between a mallard with a cold and you trebek?
one's a sick duck and...
i can't remember the rest of the joke, but your mother's a whore.
one's a sick duck and...
i can't remember the rest of the joke, but your mother's a whore.
How do you put a Dutchman in a dilemma?
Offer to mow his lawn for free on Sunday.
Offer to mow his lawn for free on Sunday.
what did the zen monk say to the hot dog vendor?
make me one with everything.
make me one with everything.
the monk pays with a $20 bill and asks for his change.
the hot dog vendor looks through him and replies,
"change comes from within."
the hot dog vendor looks through him and replies,
"change comes from within."
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." Stunned, the young man says, "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" "I don't like her," she says.
Stay Puft
Member
Things are not always as they appear
Things are not always as they appear
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside
the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into
massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles
around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the
chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of
our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They
must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings
them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon
more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became
desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the
offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the
company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another
fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township
volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by
these Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the
plant ....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian
old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and
effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had
extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president joyfully
announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to
$200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though
elderly, Norske fire fighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing
the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that
money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief,
"da furst thing ve do is fix da brakes on dat foocking truck!"
Things are not always as they appear
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside
the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into
massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles
around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the
chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of
our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They
must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings
them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon
more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became
desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the
offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the
company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another
fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township
volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by
these Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the
plant ....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian
old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and
effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had
extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president joyfully
announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to
$200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though
elderly, Norske fire fighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing
the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that
money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief,
"da furst thing ve do is fix da brakes on dat foocking truck!"
L
longearedfriend
I love this thread
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'
A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause... "Uh .... is this 221-1811?"
Hollywood Squares: These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
what do you call 100 cows in a field masturbating?
beef strokinoff
beef strokinoff
1993, the Bobbit home, Lorena has just severed Johns wedding tackle.
She heads off in the car, with the severed member, and while on a very busy stretch of road she opens the sunroof and flings the bloody appendage out.
2 rednecks driving behind her, the flaccid, bleeding penis hits their windscreen and Merle says to Jim Bob.
"Holy shit Jim Bob, did you see the size of the cock on that moth?"
She heads off in the car, with the severed member, and while on a very busy stretch of road she opens the sunroof and flings the bloody appendage out.
2 rednecks driving behind her, the flaccid, bleeding penis hits their windscreen and Merle says to Jim Bob.
"Holy shit Jim Bob, did you see the size of the cock on that moth?"
