The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Stoner4Life]

Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out". Both were very faithful, loving wives, however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and
walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery.

One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them. Luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls
completed their "business" they continued toward home.

The following day, one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These damn girls' nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck in the crack of her ass that read: "FROM ALL OF US AT FIRE STATION 9... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!"

 

[Pallidus127]

Two muffins are baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Man, it's getting hot in here!". The second muffin then replies, "HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN!!"

 

[BornToBeWild]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We will never forget you!'

 

[greenmatter]

i think i read that one someplace ...... not to long ago ...... almost seems like it was yesterday....... hmmmmm.

 

[trichrider]

Last week, she checked into a motel on her 74th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well oiled bum....

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? .. . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

 

[Harry Gypsna]

OK
This one is pretty UK specific, but anyone who knows about the current UK government will understand
"A man went to Liberal Democrat party H.Q., went to the desk and asked for a copy of the parties manifesto
"Im very sorry sir" the person on the desk said, "Im afraid we have sold out!"
To which the man replied "I know youve sold out, but I would still like a copy of the
manifesto please"

 

[Grass Lands]

A man tells his wife they are going hunting in the morning...
the wife tells the husband I aint going hunting with you...
he says you know the rules, if you don't go hunting its
either a blowjob or I fuck you in the ass....

Well morning comes and the husband says lets go....the wife
says I told ya I aint going hunting....he says well ya know the deal...

the wife says get over here and I'll suck your dick...she looks up
after a few seconds and says Honey you dick taste like SHIT!!!!

Husband looks at her and says to her....the dog didn't want to go hunting either...

 

[nobull56]

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor . He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wangi Exhibition Grade Stock.

SILENCE... LONG SILENCE...VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in big trouble."

 

[Strainhunter]

I've got a 12" cock, although I don't use it as a rule.

 

[Scrogerman]

A friend of mine in the Parachute Regiment has been stationed in Switzerland for the last 2 years.
He recently married a local girl who can wash up with one hand,
cook with the other,
dust with one foot,
While sucking his cock as she opens a beer with her arse.

Shes a 'Swiss-Army Wife'

 

[trichrider]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned
that her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status,
she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt
to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange
for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and
give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.



The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug
her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

 

[rick shaw]

A guy comes home,excitedly tells his wife "I just won 10 million dollars,honey pack your bags"

She says "Thats wonderful,where are we going"

He replies "I don't care where you go,just be out by 12:00"

 

[Sgt.Stedenko]

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered "sure".

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep. "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?", "OK, why not." answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business...... Now give me back my dog."

 

[trichrider]

A man went to church one day and afterward he
stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'




The preacher said, 'No shit?'

 

[Brother Bear]

 

[trichrider]

The 4th wedding!





A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel."

"My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was an Obama Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

 

[Stoner4Life]

I caught somebody with a blue handi-capped license on their car trying to take one of our regular parking spaces, I beat the hell outta her.......

 

[Phillthy]

The wife.....
My wife says to me the other night, "How come we don't make love like
they do in the movies?”

So I bent her over the table, slapped her on each ass cheek a dozen times,
grabbed her by the hair and yanked her neck back so she’d be forced to watch
me jackhammer her from behind....

Turns out we don't watch the same movies.

Don't think this one will be around long.......

 

[Headbandf1]

Knock......knock?

Who's there?



Nokuy......nuff said

 

[trichrider]

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."