Trolling for Jobs, Vol. 1

[sandawg]

Below is just one of a series of troll cover-letters I sent out while spending the last nine months or so unemployed. I just found a job last week. Thank you. Its temporary. I have 30 days to become bilingual in Spanish and not fuck up. I didn't get a legitimate callback for an interview until January 2011. So for quite awhile it felt like I was applying into thin air. As if no one was getting my resume or reading it. It was really depressing, but I eventually found a way out. I started writing prank cover letters to jobs I wasn't qualified for, or interested in, because I knew I wouldn't fit in. I was attaching my real resume and including real facts about my life. Only a couple times did I fabricate facts about myself or include a fake resume, but the reasons are obvious once you read them.

It took me awhile to get on a roll, but once I found my voice, they just started flowing. I think I have 80 or so. The ones where someone responded are just fucking golden.

One more note: I resisted the temptation to edit the content of any of them, either to correct typos or to make funnier. I'm just redacting certain info for legal reasons.

With that being said, Volume 1 is what I consider to be the one where I found my voice. Hope you enjoy:

EMPLOYMENT AD:

Insurance Defense Attorney
w/ commercial insurance coverage background; minimum 5 years active exp. Full benefits. Salary commensurate w/experience. Resumé must include Job #700562. EOE
E-mail ******@****services.com - No calls

RESPONSE:

From: [sandawg]
Subject: Insurance Defense Attorney
To: ******@****services.com
Date: Wednesday, January 12, 2011, 3:37 PM

Dear Hiring Partner,

The open job sure sounds exciting. I especially like
the part about "full benefits." I have a couple of
questions I hope you don't mind answering in a reply email
or during our interview this Friday afternoon.

Will I only be defending insurance companies against bad
people trying to scam my clients out of their hard-earned
profits? It would bother my conscience if good people
lost their benefits because I'm so talented. If that's
the case, I might as well become a prosecutor so I can put
innocent people in jail. Know what I'm saying?

Also, if I get sick or injured, will the insurance company
providing my benefits hire a lawyer to deny my benefits to
me? What happens when the insurance company that
denies my benefits is also my client? Would I have to
argue against my own benefits? My head hurts just
thinking about these things. Then again, I may just be
dehydrated.

Please find my resume attached. As you can see, I
included Job #700562 on it as you requested. Because I
revised my resume just for you, I hope this at least buys me
an interview at which point I will expect answers to my
above questions.

At your convenience, please confirm my interview this
Friday at 1:00 p.m. I look forward to working with
you.

Very truly yours,

[The Sandawg]

--[no response]--

update: Trolling for Jobs, Volume 2 is near the bottom of this page, Volume 3 can be found on page 2, Volume 4 on page 3.

 

[PoopyTeaBags]

hahaha thats funny... mines well do some shit in your spare time lol...

 

[BlueBlazer]

...
Will I only be defending insurance companies against bad
people trying to scam my clients out of their hard-earned
profits? It would bother my conscience if good people
lost their benefits because I'm so talented. If that's
the case, I might as well become a prosecutor so I can put
innocent people in jail. Know what I'm saying?...

Right there!!!

 

[stumpy mcgee]

would like to see some more

 

[redneck shogun]

You've taken a fantasy of mine and followed through on it. For over a decade I have had this same sense of betrayal. I began to see it all as a big con game. I was always trying to play the game by the rules and it got me nothing but depressed and feeling like I didn't belong in their world. I say you are better off being a hustler and some day you might make it to the top of the game if you can fool them long enough.

 

[joeuser]

You've taken a fantasy of mine and followed through on it. For over a decade I have had this same sense of betrayal. I began to see it all as a big con game. I was always trying to play the game by the rules and it got me nothing but depressed and feeling like I didn't belong in their world. I say you are better off being a hustler and some day you might make it to the top of the game if you can fool them long enough.

Because it IS all a big con! We ALL lie...all the time. Girls realize it early...it's ALL about presentation...all fluff, no substance. Makeup, "wonderbra", "control top" panty hose...they're conning you into taking the bait. The next morning you wake up next to someone you don't recognize...and they wonder why we don't call them back!

The same happens in business...the better you can "market" yourself...the better you do. How many full of shit scumbags do you know who deserve nothing, yet get it all...because they're good liars? Good bullshitters. Good self marketers.

Good luck!

 

[sandawg]

would like to see some more

If I have time I'll put another one up tonight. If not, then this weekend.

 

[sandawg]

Because it IS all a big con! We ALL lie...all the time. Girls realize it early...it's ALL about presentation...all fluff, no substance. Makeup, "wonderbra", "control top" panty hose...they're conning you into taking the bait. The next morning you wake up next to someone you don't recognize...and they wonder why we don't call them back!

The same happens in business...the better you can "market" yourself...the better you do. How many full of shit scumbags do you know who deserve nothing, yet get it all...because they're good liars? Good bullshitters. Good self marketers.

Good luck!

I had to revise my resume a bunch of times, and when I finally stopped saying stupid things in interviews I got the job.

 

[longearedfriend]

food for depression some of these posts

 

[sandawg]

food for depression some of these posts

Did you rub that habanero on your dick yet?

 

[sandawg]

The Last Troll

The Last Troll

This is the [er, third to] last Trolling for Jobs edition I will post online, so I wanted to give you guys one that had a response. And, of course, I couldn't resist replying, for the lulz.

EMPLOYMENT AD:

E/L ATTORNEY w/ BK of BIZ
Defense firm seeks 5+yrs E/L Attorney w/ portable biz for LAX office. Ext exp working directly w/ clients & overseeing all aspects of case mgmt. Will take depos, handle mediations & litigate trials. Email: Employment@*********.com

--- On Sat, 5/28/11, [sandawg] wrote:

From: [sandawg]
Subject: E/L ATTORNEY w/ BK of BIZ
To: Employment@*********.com
Date: Saturday, May 28, 2011, 10:31 AM

Hola,

I am THE attorney you are looking for, or as you put it,
"El Attorney." Very clever. You have to be
clever to decipher your employment ad, as well; it is very
cryptic, to say the least.

Let's take the first sentence, for example: "Defense
firm seeks 5+yrs E/L Attorney w/ portable biz for LAX
office." In English, I interpret that to read,
"Defense firm offering 5 year contract to The Attorney who
can carry his business in a relaxing atmosphere."

I have to admit, that is one of the strangest employment
ads I have read in a long time, but I am intrigued
nonetheless. I am partial to lax atmospheres, and I
know how to carry my business. Sometimes people refer
to me as "The Man," but never "El Attorney." I'm sure
I could get used to it. I bet you people speak a lot
of Spanglish up there in L.A. with all the Mexicans.
Maybe that's why your ad is so funny.

Anyway, I attached my resume and I hope I hear from you,
muy rapido (very fast).

Very truly yours,

[The Sandawg]
__________________________________________________________

--- On Tue, 5/31/11, **** Employment Opportunity <**************.com> wrote:

From: **** Employment Opportunity <employment@**********.com>
Subject: RE: E/L ATTORNEY w/ BK of BIZ
To: [sandawg]
Date: Tuesday, May 31, 2011, 2:23 PM
Hi, [sandawg]:
Sorry for the confusion -- we are actually looking for an Employment & Labor attorney. Please feel free to visit our website for more information on the position.

[website redacted]

Grace ****
Human Resources & Administration
*************** PC
**************, Suite 300 | San Diego, CA 92101
Main (***) ***-**** | Fax (***) ***-**** | Direct (***) ***-****
www.**********.com
__________________________________________________________

--- On Tue, 5/31/11, 4:32 PM, [sandawg] wrote:

Dear Grace,

Thank you for explaining that to me, I'm a little embarrassed. What is the difference between Employment and Labor law? They sound like the same thing. I was thinking that Employment law was for jobs that white people do, like lawyers or doctors, and that Labor law was for hard work that minorities do, like digging ditches. But when I filed a claim against my last employer, I filed it with the LABOR Board, not the EMPLOYMENT Board, so there goes that theory.

Then I started thinking Labor law must be law related to pregnant women, like when the doctor pulls the baby out upside-down. My brother was born upside-down, and if my parents could sue that doctor, believe me, they would. He's been nothing but trouble, that kid.

Unfortunately, I don't have any experience with Employment law. I do have a little bit of experience with Labor law, however. I got a couple of my ex-girlfriends pregnant, but I'm pretty sure they had the abortions like I told them to. I didn't really hang around too long after that, so I guess its possible one of them spent the abortion money on shoes or cigarettes or something.

I am actually very interested in applying for the Labor law position. I think it would much more rewarding to represent an emotionally damaged, yet fertile, female who just lost her baby, rather than represent some spoiled, rich, white guy who just lost his job and probably deserved to be fired anyway.

Please don't tell the partners I didn't know what Labor law was at first. I also revised my resume to better highlight my vast Labor law experience. You will find it attached. Thanks, Grace, I promise I won't forget this after I'm hired.

Very truly yours,

[sandawg]

Edit: The attached resume replaced all my real experience with BS experience related to "labor law" such as counseling clients into having abortions and watching babies being delivered and stuff like that.

 

[Rysam]

Im at that same point myself..gotta do something to make the time go by!

 

[DiscoBiscuit]

How do you get el from e/l?

 

[sandawg]

Being ignorant. The "voice" I claim I found was an incredibly ignorant one, for sure.

Edit: This particular ad was up for quite awhile and it started pissing me off. My favorites are the ones that I stewed on for weeks.

 

[DiscoBiscuit]

Oh! I'm apparently a bit of that myself.

 

[BlueBlazer]

Thank you for sharing that with us sandawg.

I like your sense of humor.

 

[sandawg]

Its an honor to share with y'all. Its this forum that turned me onto www.dontevenreply.com which I still check daily for new posts. That guy is brilliant. He makes up the craziest shit. I tried to stay true to the facts of my life, and just played an ignorant SoB.

I think the only lie in the post above was about getting ex-girlfriends pregnant. My brother was born upside-down according to my parents, and I filed a claim against my last employer with the Labor Board and settled with them for $10,500 for not paying my accrued PTO, plus penalties. Assholes fucking deserved it lol.

 

[sandawg]

Have to give props to Don Novello (aka Father Guido Sarducci from the SNL early years), the Godfather of Trolls, looooooong before Al Gore invented the internet. He wrote under this pen name of "Lazlo Toth" which was based off a real guy with that name who shot the Pope if I remember right. The first book came out in the 70s, is very thin, like 90 pages. Each page was a letter, either from him or from a company, politician or agency. He played this clueless hardcore conservative that started off writing letters to scandalized, conservative politicians pretending to empathize with them for their plight and appear confused as to why the majority of the public was against them, for all they represented. I guess after receiving nothing but form letters in response, he switched to major corporations and got more entertaining responses. One of my favorites was a letter to NASA during the 70s gas crisis. NASA just sent some probe or something to Mars and Lazlo Toth asked them how much gas it would take to drive to Mars. NASA replied with exact figures, not only on the gas, but on the distance and time it would take to drive there which was trillions of years or some shit. And I think the letter ended with "Happy driving!"

The last book he wrote was called 'From Bush to Bush' and was hilarious. All three of his thin, troll books are gut-splitting. There was a letter to Jeb Bush back when George W. was Governor of Texas. He told Jeb that even though Jeb was the smarter brother, he was also the younger one, and therefore, George had to become President first or else there'd be a 'Godfather' situation, like between Michael and Fredo. This was YEARS before George even HINTED he was going to run. BTW, this means Novello not only predicted Jeb Bush will one day become POTUS (2016 extremely likely), but presciently predicted George W., as well.

 

[ChaosCatalunya]

Top Trolling, nice one, may thanks for the tip on Don Novello.


You would probably like The Timewaster Letters by Robin Cooper, just wait till you see the drawings...

 

[supermanlives]

will work for weed