say "Addicted" after every thing i say,
alcohol
drugs
smoking
what hit you in the mouth last night?
addicted
alcohol
drugs
smoking
what hit you in the mouth last night?
addicted
G
greenmatter
a guy goes on a cruise and after a massive storm finds himself washed up on the beach of a tropical island and after three days of wandering around he realizes the island is empty. on the fourth day he finds a set of foot prints that he knows are not his so he follows them. the prints lead to jennifer lopez crying alone on a rock. she jumps into his arms sobbing and tells him that she was on the same ship and how she survived. they are both at least happy to not be alone and the next day start doing what they can to get rescued, after about two weeks he realizes they are never going to get off the island,, but continues to play the game. he builds j-lo her own shelter and acts like a gentleman thinking that eventually she will need some as bad as he does. after weeks of waiting he finally knocks on her door. when she opens it he says,
" j there are certain things men need......"
she jumps on him and takes him around the world ....
the next morning he knocks on her door again and when she comes out he says,
"j there are other things men need...."
she asks him what she could possibly do for him that she had not done last night
he asks her to close the door again and when he knocks come out and say,hey my name is bob.
she closes the door and he knocks again, she opens the door and in her best male voice says "hey my name is bob."
the guy grabs her by the shoulders, looks her square in the eye and says " bob you are never going to believe who i fucked last night !"
" j there are certain things men need......"
she jumps on him and takes him around the world ....
the next morning he knocks on her door again and when she comes out he says,
"j there are other things men need...."
she asks him what she could possibly do for him that she had not done last night
he asks her to close the door again and when he knocks come out and say,hey my name is bob.
she closes the door and he knocks again, she opens the door and in her best male voice says "hey my name is bob."
the guy grabs her by the shoulders, looks her square in the eye and says " bob you are never going to believe who i fucked last night !"
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greenmatter
why did god invent the yeast infection ????
so woman would know what it is like to live with an irritating c%#t too!
so woman would know what it is like to live with an irritating c%#t too!
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greenmatter
a kid comes home from school one day and hears a thumping sound, so he goes to find out what it is. he walks through his parents bedroom door to see his father with mom bent over the dresser. the kid freezes in his tracks and stands there dumbfounded. after a minute or two dad notices he is there .... he just laughs at the kid and continues what he was doing.
a few minutes later dad hears a thumping sound and goes to investigate. he ends up in the basement where grandma has her own apartment. when he walks into the room he sees that his son has grandma bent over the coffee table and he is hitting it hard. as dad is standing there dumbfounded the kid looks up, laughs and says "not so fuckin' funny when it's your mom is it?"
a few minutes later dad hears a thumping sound and goes to investigate. he ends up in the basement where grandma has her own apartment. when he walks into the room he sees that his son has grandma bent over the coffee table and he is hitting it hard. as dad is standing there dumbfounded the kid looks up, laughs and says "not so fuckin' funny when it's your mom is it?"
BornToBeWild
Member
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
G
greenmatter
Q. how do you find the blind man at the nude beach?
A. it aint hard
A. it aint hard
G
greenmatter
THINK LIKE A MALE
THINK LIKE A MALE
a wealthy man gets a phone call from the police one day and they tell him that his wife of 20 years died in a car accident. they had no kids so he is completely alone.
he pretty much crawls into a hole and pulls it closed around him for about a year before he is even ready to look at another woman.
after several bad blind dates and plenty of singles bar nightmares he decides to try internet dating.
after posting his story he gets hundreds or responses. he narrows it down to 3 woman and decides that he will meet each one in his office and ask them all the same question.
when the first woman ( a blond) come in and sits down his says...
"if i handed you $100,000 dollars right now what would you do with it?"
the blond smiles and tells him that she is wealthy in her own right so 100,000 K is not that big a deal. she would go to the bank and deposit all of it.
an hour later the next woman (a red head) arrives. he asks her the same question.....
she smiles and tells him she would put 50K in the bank and probably buy herself a new car with the other 50K.
the last of the three (a brunette) walks in and his asks again.....
she smiles and says that she would fly to jamaica and party until she ran out of money.
SO WHICH OF THE THREE DOES HE PICK ?
....... the one with the biggest tits
THINK LIKE A MALE
a wealthy man gets a phone call from the police one day and they tell him that his wife of 20 years died in a car accident. they had no kids so he is completely alone.
he pretty much crawls into a hole and pulls it closed around him for about a year before he is even ready to look at another woman.
after several bad blind dates and plenty of singles bar nightmares he decides to try internet dating.
after posting his story he gets hundreds or responses. he narrows it down to 3 woman and decides that he will meet each one in his office and ask them all the same question.
when the first woman ( a blond) come in and sits down his says...
"if i handed you $100,000 dollars right now what would you do with it?"
the blond smiles and tells him that she is wealthy in her own right so 100,000 K is not that big a deal. she would go to the bank and deposit all of it.
an hour later the next woman (a red head) arrives. he asks her the same question.....
she smiles and tells him she would put 50K in the bank and probably buy herself a new car with the other 50K.
the last of the three (a brunette) walks in and his asks again.....
she smiles and says that she would fly to jamaica and party until she ran out of money.
SO WHICH OF THE THREE DOES HE PICK ?
....... the one with the biggest tits
FIRST TIME SEX
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday
night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like
to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist
to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist
it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the
boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything
there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy
how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack,
10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because
he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his
first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's
parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner
table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows
his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still
d eep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from
the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down,
the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'
The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday
night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like
to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist
to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist
it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the
boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything
there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy
how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack,
10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because
he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his
first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's
parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner
table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows
his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still
d eep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from
the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down,
the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'
The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
L
longearedfriend
that was a very good one trichrider
BornToBeWild
Member
Ms. Smith, a third grade teacher asks her class, "If there are 3 birds on a wire & you throw a rock & hit one, how many birds are left?" Little Tommie's hand shot up & he answers, "None". The teacher says,"Now Tommie if you have three birds on a wire, then you throw a rock & you hit one of them, how many are left?" Again little Tommie says, "None". The teacher, a little puzzled, asks,- "Now Tommie, if you have 3 birds on a wire & you hit one with a rock, how come there are none left?" Tommie says,"Because if I hit one with a rock, the others will get scared & fly away." The teacher says, "Oh, that's good, Tommie, I like the way you think."
Then Tommie says, "Ok teacher, I got one for you, if there are 3 women, each has a popscicle, and 1 is licking hers, another is chewing hers & the other is sucking on hers, which one is married?" The teacher says, "Well now, Tommie, that would be the one sucking on hers." Tommie says, "Nope, it's the one with a ring on, but I sure like the way you think."
Then Tommie says, "Ok teacher, I got one for you, if there are 3 women, each has a popscicle, and 1 is licking hers, another is chewing hers & the other is sucking on hers, which one is married?" The teacher says, "Well now, Tommie, that would be the one sucking on hers." Tommie says, "Nope, it's the one with a ring on, but I sure like the way you think."
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greenmatter
a guy gets it into his head that he has to have a parrot as a pet. he looks everywhere, and begins to figure out that a parrot actually costs thousands of dollars. he has preety much given up on owning one when he finds one in a pet shop for 20 bucks.
he asks the pet shop owner what the story is with the bird and the man explains to him that the parrot was born with a birth defect, but aside from that he is great, he is hand fed and because of the birth defect he has been around people so much that he can not only talk already, he has a 2000 word vocabulary and can for the most part hold a conversation.
the guy buys the bird on the spot and as he is walking out the door asks the owner what kind of birth defect the parrot has. the shop owner tells him that the bird was born without legs.
the guy asks how he sits on the perch and the shop owner tells him that he wraps his dick around it. been doing it that way since the day he was born.
the guy takes the bird home and things work out great. there are no problems until the guy comes home one day and asks the parrot what happened while he was at work.
the parrot says " bad news man, the postman was here today."
the guy says " big deal he is here six days a week"
the parrot explains that the guys wife is having an affair with the postman.
the guy sits down and asks the parrot what happened.
the parrot explains that his wife gave the postman a sloppy hummer in the living room today.
the guy starts to get pissed off and asks the parrot what happened after that.
the bird says "well then he took off your wife's shirt"
the guy says "and then?"
the parrot says" not really sure what happened after that, your wife has a great rack, when i saw those i got a woody and fell behind the couch"
he asks the pet shop owner what the story is with the bird and the man explains to him that the parrot was born with a birth defect, but aside from that he is great, he is hand fed and because of the birth defect he has been around people so much that he can not only talk already, he has a 2000 word vocabulary and can for the most part hold a conversation.
the guy buys the bird on the spot and as he is walking out the door asks the owner what kind of birth defect the parrot has. the shop owner tells him that the bird was born without legs.
the guy asks how he sits on the perch and the shop owner tells him that he wraps his dick around it. been doing it that way since the day he was born.
the guy takes the bird home and things work out great. there are no problems until the guy comes home one day and asks the parrot what happened while he was at work.
the parrot says " bad news man, the postman was here today."
the guy says " big deal he is here six days a week"
the parrot explains that the guys wife is having an affair with the postman.
the guy sits down and asks the parrot what happened.
the parrot explains that his wife gave the postman a sloppy hummer in the living room today.
the guy starts to get pissed off and asks the parrot what happened after that.
the bird says "well then he took off your wife's shirt"
the guy says "and then?"
the parrot says" not really sure what happened after that, your wife has a great rack, when i saw those i got a woody and fell behind the couch"
L
longearedfriend
very good!!! ^^
but If he fell behind the couch, then he wasnt in his cage, and usually parrots are in a cage
You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to greenmatter again.
but If he fell behind the couch, then he wasnt in his cage, and usually parrots are in a cage
You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to greenmatter again.
L
longearedfriend
Statues
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
L
longearedfriend
Fast
4 men were sitting in a room together being interviewed for a new job. The interviewer told the men "I am going to ask you each one question".
Turning to the first man the interview asks "What is the fastest thing you can think of and why?"
The first man thinks for a moment and replies "A thought, because before you even realize it that thought is in your mind"
"Good" replied the interview. He turns to the second man and says, "Ok same question. What is the fastest thing you can think of and why?"
The second man thinks and says "A blink because one second your eyes opened then closed then open before you even realize it happened."
"Good". Turning to the third man, "Same question"
"Electricity", says the third man, "because where I live on a big farm we have a light wayyyyyyy out there on the barn. I flick a switch at the house and as soon as I switch it that light comes on."
"Ok", to the forth man, "Same question."
The fourth man thinks long and hard and finally says, "diarrhoea."
The interviewer looks oddly at him and asks "Diarrhoea?"
The man says "Yeah, diarrhoea is the fastest thing I know of."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well," the man replies, "last week I had diarrhoea, so I ran to the bathroom, and before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I shit my pants"
4 men were sitting in a room together being interviewed for a new job. The interviewer told the men "I am going to ask you each one question".
Turning to the first man the interview asks "What is the fastest thing you can think of and why?"
The first man thinks for a moment and replies "A thought, because before you even realize it that thought is in your mind"
"Good" replied the interview. He turns to the second man and says, "Ok same question. What is the fastest thing you can think of and why?"
The second man thinks and says "A blink because one second your eyes opened then closed then open before you even realize it happened."
"Good". Turning to the third man, "Same question"
"Electricity", says the third man, "because where I live on a big farm we have a light wayyyyyyy out there on the barn. I flick a switch at the house and as soon as I switch it that light comes on."
"Ok", to the forth man, "Same question."
The fourth man thinks long and hard and finally says, "diarrhoea."
The interviewer looks oddly at him and asks "Diarrhoea?"
The man says "Yeah, diarrhoea is the fastest thing I know of."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well," the man replies, "last week I had diarrhoea, so I ran to the bathroom, and before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I shit my pants"
L
longearedfriend
A Loving Grandpa.....
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .......the little shit's name is Kevin."
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .......the little shit's name is Kevin."
L
longearedfriend
Police
A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light.
The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and strides toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.
The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand officer Butler testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"
"Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do."
How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?
A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light.
The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and strides toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.
The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand officer Butler testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"
"Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do."
How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?
