.
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You know what's good about dating a homeless women?
When your done with her you can leave her anywhere.
When your done with her you can leave her anywhere.
L
longearedfriend
Australian Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....
Just thought you'd like to know.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....
Just thought you'd like to know.
L
longearedfriend
Penis Study
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the Head of a Penis was bigger than the rest of it.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the Head of a Penis was bigger than the rest of it.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
L
longearedfriend
Women
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often !
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected
-----------------
Circumcised
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
-------------------------
Fat
I figured out why I'm so fat. The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says, "For extra volume and body."
I am going to start using Dawn dishwashing soap. It says, "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
----------------------------
Leather ....
When a woman wears leather clothing,
a man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry,
he goes weak in the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
scroll down...
Because she smells like a new truck.
----------------------
Priest
A very distinguished lady on a plane from Switzerland found herself seated next to a nice priest.
She asked, "Excuse me, Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course, my child, what can I do for you?"
"Here's the problem...... I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?" (A cassock is the priests "robe"/garment)
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."
"You have such an honest face, Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions."
She gave him the hair remover and the aircraft arrived at its destination.
At customs the priest was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son," he replied.
The customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "Well, I have a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often !
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected
-----------------
Circumcised
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
-------------------------
Fat
I figured out why I'm so fat. The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says, "For extra volume and body."
I am going to start using Dawn dishwashing soap. It says, "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
----------------------------
Leather ....
When a woman wears leather clothing,
a man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry,
he goes weak in the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
scroll down...
Because she smells like a new truck.
----------------------
Priest
A very distinguished lady on a plane from Switzerland found herself seated next to a nice priest.
She asked, "Excuse me, Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course, my child, what can I do for you?"
"Here's the problem...... I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?" (A cassock is the priests "robe"/garment)
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."
"You have such an honest face, Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions."
She gave him the hair remover and the aircraft arrived at its destination.
At customs the priest was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son," he replied.
The customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "Well, I have a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"
L
longearedfriend
Testicles and Snoring
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.
'Yeah right!' she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins
Snoring loudly.
The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, 'I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place!
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.
'Yeah right!' she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins
Snoring loudly.
The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, 'I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place!
L
longearedfriend
The Polish Divorce
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say:
POLISH REMOVER
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say:
POLISH REMOVER
L
longearedfriend
Shit
A Ryanair flight was coming in to land at London Luton airport,when the captain flicked on the tanoy system and says,"I would like to thank you all for choosing Ryanair for your flight and I hope our service has been to your satisfaction,and you had a great holiday,we will be landing shortly."
The captain puts down the tanoy but forgets to switch it off, when the co-pilot says,"what are you going to do after we've landed skipper? "
The captain replies,"I am going to have a good shit first,then I am going to take the new blonde air hostess back to my flat and shag her senseless."
The new blonde air hostess blushing bright red realising the tanoy has not been turned off dashes from the back of the plane towards the cockpit before anything else can be said,when half way down the gangway there's an old lady of 83 sitting there with her walking stick slightly sticking out in the gangway. The blonde air hostess trips over the walking stick and lands flat on her face, to which the old lady looks down at her and says,"there's no rush dear,he's going to have a good shit first ."
--------------------
(you have to know a little about golf to understand this one)
Tiger Woods
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!".
A Ryanair flight was coming in to land at London Luton airport,when the captain flicked on the tanoy system and says,"I would like to thank you all for choosing Ryanair for your flight and I hope our service has been to your satisfaction,and you had a great holiday,we will be landing shortly."
The captain puts down the tanoy but forgets to switch it off, when the co-pilot says,"what are you going to do after we've landed skipper? "
The captain replies,"I am going to have a good shit first,then I am going to take the new blonde air hostess back to my flat and shag her senseless."
The new blonde air hostess blushing bright red realising the tanoy has not been turned off dashes from the back of the plane towards the cockpit before anything else can be said,when half way down the gangway there's an old lady of 83 sitting there with her walking stick slightly sticking out in the gangway. The blonde air hostess trips over the walking stick and lands flat on her face, to which the old lady looks down at her and says,"there's no rush dear,he's going to have a good shit first ."
--------------------
(you have to know a little about golf to understand this one)
Tiger Woods
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!".
L
longearedfriend
Ghost
A man comes into a bar, orders a beer and takes out of a bag a tiny piano and a 10 inch high man. He puts the man behind the piano and the little man starts playing. People are amazed!
The owner of the bar offers the man free drinks all evening and at closing time he asks: 'I'm sorry, but where did you get him?'
Well, said the man, I found an old oillamp and when I was cleaning it a ghost came out and told me that I could make a whish.
O, said the barkeeper, do you still have that lamp? Yes, said the man. Could you bring it tomorrow, asked the barkeeper.
I'll do that, said the man.
Next evening the man brought the lamp, the barkeeper cleaned it up and the ghost came out.
You can make a wish, said the ghost to the barkeeper.
I wish a million bucks, said the barkeeper.
Right at that moment thousands and thousands of ducks came flying in the bar, shitting everywhere.
I don't understand, said the barkeeper, I've asked for bucks, not ducks!
Well, said the man, do you really think I've asked for a 10 inch pianist?
A man comes into a bar, orders a beer and takes out of a bag a tiny piano and a 10 inch high man. He puts the man behind the piano and the little man starts playing. People are amazed!
The owner of the bar offers the man free drinks all evening and at closing time he asks: 'I'm sorry, but where did you get him?'
Well, said the man, I found an old oillamp and when I was cleaning it a ghost came out and told me that I could make a whish.
O, said the barkeeper, do you still have that lamp? Yes, said the man. Could you bring it tomorrow, asked the barkeeper.
I'll do that, said the man.
Next evening the man brought the lamp, the barkeeper cleaned it up and the ghost came out.
You can make a wish, said the ghost to the barkeeper.
I wish a million bucks, said the barkeeper.
Right at that moment thousands and thousands of ducks came flying in the bar, shitting everywhere.
I don't understand, said the barkeeper, I've asked for bucks, not ducks!
Well, said the man, do you really think I've asked for a 10 inch pianist?
L
longearedfriend
WHY MEN AREN'T SECRETARIES...
Husband's note on refrigerator for wife:
Someone from the Guyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal.
I didn't know you liked beer.
Better pick up some extra.
Husband's note on refrigerator for wife:
Someone from the Guyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal.
I didn't know you liked beer.
Better pick up some extra.
L
longearedfriend
Italian Virgin
Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her; 'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'
'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'
'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'
Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'
Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her; 'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'
'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'
'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'
Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'
L
longearedfriend
The Yellow Toad
So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest feeling very fed up because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown like other toads.. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway...this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother. He begs her: "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."
The Fairy Godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he's brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the Fairy Godmother:
"Wait a minute! My willy's still yellow!"
To this the Fairy Godmother replies: "I don't do willys. You will have to see the The Wizard of Oz for that."
The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same Fairy Godmother. He implores her: "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me
from a mile off."
She, being a nice Fairy Godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees the he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says: "My willy is still purple!"
She says: "I don't do willys, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."
To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The wizard of Oz?"
The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy .....just follow the yellow dick toad!"
So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest feeling very fed up because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown like other toads.. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway...this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother. He begs her: "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."
The Fairy Godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he's brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the Fairy Godmother:
"Wait a minute! My willy's still yellow!"
To this the Fairy Godmother replies: "I don't do willys. You will have to see the The Wizard of Oz for that."
The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same Fairy Godmother. He implores her: "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me
from a mile off."
She, being a nice Fairy Godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees the he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says: "My willy is still purple!"
She says: "I don't do willys, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."
To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The wizard of Oz?"
The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy .....just follow the yellow dick toad!"
L
longearedfriend
The Perfect Woman
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a father who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the father and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The father simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the father asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The father nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the father again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The father nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the Ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.
He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the father...
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell....
pregnant when you met her."
-------------------------
My First Condom
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 15. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Greenville pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on, Buddy?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
She then beat the shit out of me....
Women have always been hard for me to figure out.
-----------------------------------------------
p.s next time ill try to put as many jokes in the same post
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a father who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the father and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The father simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the father asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The father nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the father again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The father nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the Ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.
He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the father...
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell....
pregnant when you met her."
-------------------------
My First Condom
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 15. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Greenville pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on, Buddy?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
She then beat the shit out of me....
Women have always been hard for me to figure out.
-----------------------------------------------
p.s next time ill try to put as many jokes in the same post
L
longearedfriend
this is a funny one
---------------
Execution
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,
'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.
And on and on and on . . ..
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey
and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks
as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright,
had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
---------------
Execution
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,
'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.
And on and on and on . . ..
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey
and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks
as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright,
had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
L
longearedfriend
The Pope and Tiger Woods
The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.
"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".
Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.
"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.
"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Tiger: "You're a day late."
-------------------------------------------------
The Frog
Chookie is 77years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.
Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your woman!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
With age comes wisdom.
-------------------------------
The Italian Lover
The Italian Lover, a virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome , when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the
last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I Danish."
The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.
"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".
Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.
"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.
"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Tiger: "You're a day late."
-------------------------------------------------
The Frog
Chookie is 77years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.
Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your woman!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
With age comes wisdom.
-------------------------------
The Italian Lover
The Italian Lover, a virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome , when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the
last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I Danish."
G
greenmatter
two older guys are sitting in a bar drinking, one is chinese and one is a jewish american... after several drinks the jewish guy says to the chinese guy....
"ya know what i hate about you people? back in 1941 you back doored us at pearl harbor! what kind of shit is that? unforgivable!"
the chinese guy says " man, that was the japanese not us!"
the old jewish guy (who is lit) says "chinese, japanese, viet namese, korean .......whatever"
the chinese guy grins and says "you know what i hate about your people ?"
old jewish guy says "no, what?"
old chinese guy says " you assholes sank the Titanic!"
old jewish guy laughs and says "an iceberg sunk the Titanic."
old chinese guy grins and says " iceberg, goldburg, goldblume ..... whatever!"
"ya know what i hate about you people? back in 1941 you back doored us at pearl harbor! what kind of shit is that? unforgivable!"
the chinese guy says " man, that was the japanese not us!"
the old jewish guy (who is lit) says "chinese, japanese, viet namese, korean .......whatever"
the chinese guy grins and says "you know what i hate about your people ?"
old jewish guy says "no, what?"
old chinese guy says " you assholes sank the Titanic!"
old jewish guy laughs and says "an iceberg sunk the Titanic."
old chinese guy grins and says " iceberg, goldburg, goldblume ..... whatever!"
ever wondered if ur mom kissed u good night after givin ur dad a blow job? bet u r now lol
G
greenmatter
a guy who owns a piano bar is getting things ready for a friday night. at around 4;20 his piano player calls and tells him he quits. the guy starts calling everywhere to find a piano player and what he finds is all shit. he is ready to give up when a guy walks into the bar and says:
"a friend told me you need a piano player"
the bar owner points him to the piano and says " show me"
the guy plays some of the best piano the bar owner has ever heard so he asks " can you sing"
the guy throws out a couple piano bar standards and it sounds great
the bar owner asks if he writes any of his own stuff and if he would play some
the guy says " i suck at lyrics but check this out" he bangs out a tune that has the bar owner standing there with his mouth open.
the owner asks "what do you call it?"
the guy says "it is called ..i am gonna grab that pony tail and shove my dick down your throat"
the bar owner shakes his head and asks if the guy wrote anything else. the guy starts to play and by the end of the song the bar owner has a tear in his eye and says"that is the most beautiful thing i have ever heard, what do you call it?'
the guy says " gonna lift that dress and punish the brown eye"
the bar owner says "look man you have the job just don't tell anyone the names of your stuff"
buy 8 o clock the bar is standing room only. the bar owner is having the best night in 25 years, the tip jar is full and there are people waiting to get in. at 9 the piano player is taking a break. as he is coming out of the bathroom a lady runs up and whispers in his ear "do you know your fly is open and you dick is hanging out?"
the guy looks her in the eye and says "know it? shit lady i wrote that tune!"
"a friend told me you need a piano player"
the bar owner points him to the piano and says " show me"
the guy plays some of the best piano the bar owner has ever heard so he asks " can you sing"
the guy throws out a couple piano bar standards and it sounds great
the bar owner asks if he writes any of his own stuff and if he would play some
the guy says " i suck at lyrics but check this out" he bangs out a tune that has the bar owner standing there with his mouth open.
the owner asks "what do you call it?"
the guy says "it is called ..i am gonna grab that pony tail and shove my dick down your throat"
the bar owner shakes his head and asks if the guy wrote anything else. the guy starts to play and by the end of the song the bar owner has a tear in his eye and says"that is the most beautiful thing i have ever heard, what do you call it?'
the guy says " gonna lift that dress and punish the brown eye"
the bar owner says "look man you have the job just don't tell anyone the names of your stuff"
buy 8 o clock the bar is standing room only. the bar owner is having the best night in 25 years, the tip jar is full and there are people waiting to get in. at 9 the piano player is taking a break. as he is coming out of the bathroom a lady runs up and whispers in his ear "do you know your fly is open and you dick is hanging out?"
the guy looks her in the eye and says "know it? shit lady i wrote that tune!"
"Don't be paranoid now,I know nothing about your cocaine operation."
"Termites Checked for free! House boats get free quotes."
"Termites Checked for free! House boats get free quotes."
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