[Captain Canibus]

Q: Why is a (subsitute any entity you like) brain the size of a pea?

I mistakenly used women's on my first post and was subsequently flamed and crucified, but it is a good one liner.

A: Because its swollen.

[hypervigilance]

Superman, suffering from the boredom of his Fortress of Solitude, decides to fly around and see what's up in the world. He flys 'round and 'round and eventually spots Wonder Woman laying naked in a field of grass - on her back and spread-eagled! Supe had been in Solititude for quite some time and was a bit randy. He thinks to himself, 'I could fly down, hit it and be long gone before she ever knew what happened!'. Not one to miss an opportunity, Superman swoops down, hammers away at Super-Speed and is gone in an instant. Wonder Woman exclaims, 'What was that?!?' and the Invisible Man says, 'I don't know, but it hurt like hell!'

[Pacridge]

This guys talking to his buddy at lunch one day and tells him "Did you hear about the new Nude bar in town? You can go in there and for 2.00 they give a beer and lunch and when your done eating they take you in and back and get you laid." His buddy says "No fucking, way man. No place is that good." He says "No, I got this from a real good source." His buddy say's "So, you've never been in there?" He says "No, but my sister has."

[Pacridge]

What's a blonde say after sex? Next.

Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels? Headroom.

How does a blonde turn on the lights after having sex? Opens the car door.

Why did the blonde give her child up for adoption? Wasn't sure if it was hers.

What did the blonde do when she found out she had crabs? Bought fishnet stockings.

[Pacridge]

A lady calls the help line at a computer tech support company-

"Yes, I just purchased this computer two weeks ago and up until this morning it was working fine, now I can't get it to do anything"

"Well ma'am we're here to help you with whatever your problem is. First what I'd like to have you do is press the control and delete buttons and at the same time press the Alt key. Does that bring anything up on the screen?

"No, the screen is completely black."

"Oh, Okay ma'am. In that case I'm going to have you press the power on switch on the front of the main unit. Do you see that?"

No, I see a reset and ah, oh yeah on/off this must be it, right?"

"Yes ma'am, Press that button and hold it down for an second or two and then release it. After that a little green light next to the button should begin to blink."

"Well I pressed it but nothing happening. I just don't understand it seemed to be working fine. I know for a fact I didn't do anything to it."

"It could just be a software lock or it could be a cable came loose. Do this for me- look behind the computer and see if any of the cables appear to unpluged, can you do that for me?"

Well I'll try but I'm not sure if I'll be able to see anything, just a second. No, I can't see anything. Let me get a flashlight."

"A flashlight?"

"Yeah, I need a flashlight, it's really dark in here the electricity been out all morning."

"Oh, you don't have any electricity in your office?"

"No"

"Then, I think I know how to slove this problem."

"Oh. good what should I do?"

"First do you still have all the boxes your computer came in?"

"Oh, I'm sure I do, there in the coffee room."

"Good, good, this what I need you to do, I need you to box it back up exactly the way it was when you bought and then take it back to the store you bought it from, can you do that?"

"Yes, I'm sure I can. What should I tell the store when I take it back?"

"You tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Nice, some good ones in here. Pacridge I like your style. Lets see heres one more from me. A lil long.....

A sailor just hits land after a year out on a submarine, He's got to get some and fast. So he goes to the local bar and asks the barkeep......psst hey man where can a guy get fucked around here? The barkeep leans over and says quietly......go to this address, knock on the door. So the sailor dashes out of the bar and rushes to the address. He gets to the door, knocks and a voice from the other side says.....whatta you want? The sailor says......the bartender told me to come here if I wanted to get fucked can you help me? The voice says.....OK slip a twenty under the door then. A few minutes go by and the sailor gets antsy and knocks again. The same voice from the other side answers....whatta ya want? Getting a lil frustrated the sailor said again the bartender told me to come here to get fucked. Well Ok the voice said just slip me a twenty under the door. The sailor complies and a few minutes later the door does not open. Furious now he bangs on the door. The voice comes back in but louder asking.....What the hell you want? The sailor furious yells out I was told to come here to get some action and I wanna get fucked! The voice behind the door says..........What again?

[Pacridge]

A, lady paralyzed from the neck down, is taken to a beach every day where she suns herself and reads her book. One day a buff life gaurd, walking the beach, notices her and sparks up a conversation.

He says "you seems some what depressed."

She replies "Well, I've been like this most of my life and it's, well it just that I..well to be honest I've never been kissed."

The life gaurd leans down and very passionately kisses hers and then walks off. She's stunned and completely smitten.

A couple days later the life gaurd, again walking his beach, sees the lady.

"So, how are you dong today?" He asked?

"Oh" She sighed. "Alright, I guess."

"Still depressed? I'm so sorry to hear that what's bothering you today?"

"Well, I don't know how to say this...but , well I just. To put it bluntly I've never been Fucked before."

The life guard leaned down, picked her in his powerful arms and carried her down the beach and prompty tossed her in the surf.

"Well, you're fucked now!"

Sorry Blatant- not trying to rip-you just a different take on the same basic joke.

[Harry Gypsna]

Ok ppl, i have a joke, apologies for any1 who is offended, although, i see no reason y they might.,


A man and his wife are on holiday in india, and they go 4 a stroll around the local market, anyway, they get to a shop and the owner says" ah hello yes, u come inside, i make very good deal 4 u", so they go in with him.
Inside the shop, the owner goes to the back, and returns with a pair of sandals, he says " Tthese, sir are magic sandals, whenever u put them on, you will make love, like a wild animal" the husband says"well i dont need em"
but the wife says"well, u couod try em, "
so he puts them on, and as soon as the straps were done up, stood up, and his wife saw something in his eyes she hadnt seen in 15 years, raw sexual desire, she prepared herself, and in the blink of an eye her husband turned around, grabbed hold of the shopkeeper, bent him over the table, pulled his pants down, then his own, and the whole time the shopkeeper was screaming at the top of his voice ""NOOO SIIRR, YOUVE GOT THEM ON THE WRONG FEET, U GOT THEM ON THE WRONG FEET

[tokeAcola]

Nice thread, blatant! Lots of funny stuff here.

I don't know if this qualifies as a joke, but I thought it was funny. I heard it the other day from an old-timer, so if any of you have heard it before, sorry.


"Hey, man, I heard a rumor about you the other day"

"me? what did you hear?"

"I heard that you like your women like you like your whiskey"

"oh, and how is that?"

"12 years old and mixed up with coke!"


heheheeee I thought that was hilarious, so I hope someone else enjoys it.

Peace.

-- tAc

[Pacridge]

Who told ya about my girlfriend Toke?