[Fat Albert]

....because all the guys are just going to say something along the lines of '.....f*ck her, move on, f*ck someone else.....' and I know that's not going to help me.

My fiancee (23) and I (28) have been together for two years now. Before I met L-----, I never wanted to have kids. Meeting her changed all of that, and I'm convinced that I found the love of my life. We share(d) a deep, passionate, and all-encompassing love for each other, and began talking about spending the rest of our lives together soon after we met (about 6 months into it). I would lay down my life for her, and felt that God had finally merged my life's path with the one who was meant for me....and I still feel that way.

She moved to NYC this past summer. I'm about 120 miles away. She's leaving NYC at the end of the year and moving back to her hometown of Chicago. There's been some distance issues in our relationship, and we always emerged from them smelling like roses. I became convinced that our love for each other would supercede these issues. Lately she had been telling me how difficult it is for her to not be able to see me often. Her schedule in NYC is absolutely grueling; graduate-level courseload, plus a full-time internship. She is working literally from the moment she wakes up till the time she goes to bed. And it's been driving her into the ground and sucking the life out of her.

L----- is in musical theater. It's been her passion for the longest time, and she is a tremendously talented singer and actress. Her plan (for the longest time) was to move to NYC and make it on Broadway. This fit well with my plans, because I'll be here in the Northeast for another year or so. That way, we'd be close. However, she has an acting coach/agent back in Chicago who is able to get her a number of parts. So she decided to return to Chicago at the end of this calendar year, and stay there for a year or two to build up her resume.

I was supposed to visit her last night. As I'm driving to the train station in New Haven, she calls. She just got out of an 8-hour workshop, and she is exhausted. We were supposed to leave the city together this morning and spend the day with my parents, who absolutely adore her (she's quite fond of them as well). I say 'no problem, I'll just pick you up tomorrow morning'. And then it all comes pouring out.

She is physically, emotionally, and mentally drained. NYC is sucking the life out of her, and she's become a shell of her former self. She tells me that she loves me dearly, but right now she can't seem to summon the effort required to continue this relationship. She says that she has had a feeling that something isn't right, and she's been beating herself up over not having the energy to put into our relationship. Now, one month ago I had asked for a break. I wasn't being the best spouse in the world, and I wanted to re-group and re-discover my passion and love for her. She denied me, saying that if we take a break, we're done. So I re-committed myself to our relationship since that moment, and have made extra effort to do so; and I was very happy with how things were going. I felt better about myself and us, and even managed to improve my relationship with my parents during this time. And now this. She mentions taking a break; I say 'fine....I'll do anything that will help us out in the long run.' Then she says that she'll do it for my sake. I reply that if she's not going to do it for OUR sake, then we should just break up.

So now we're 'taking a break.' She'll be in town in 2 weeks. And I'm beside myself with hurt, grief, and pain. I'm praying to God that this will blow over, and that the stress of her current situation will eventually pass. There's no 'other guy'. She barely has time to even sit down, and we have mutual friends who are living with her. It's nothing of that nature. If it was, I'd be the first to say 'well, let's move on, then.' I just think that the city is killing her, and the thought of her moving to Chicago (much further away) is freaking her out. I know that honeymoons always end, and that all relationships come to a crossroads where folks can either walk away, or decide that what they're doing is worthy and make the effort to continue cultivating their love for each other. Our love is there. It's something tangible enough as to be recognized by all who see us together. How do I snatch our love from the jaws of circumstance?

Ladies, how do you find your way again when you've been lost?

Thank you so much to all who contribute to this thread. I'm in a really bad place right now.


Fat A

[Rosy Cheeks]

So your first reply is from a... guy (sorry, FA, I just had to chip in). I could draw examples from a number of love-of-my-lifes (yes, I'm weathered, didn't spend my time rolling my thumbs), but there's no time for that since my lady is waiting for me, and she gets stingy if I prioritate the internet over her. So my short precise advice to you would be; if you really want to hang on to her, do not dump your frustrations on her. Play along, be wise and tolerant. When you meet, turn up with a smile and a box of chocolates (no, skip the chocolates), give her the slack she needs, and if she's wise enough to appreciate it, she's the woman for you. If she's not, and it all falls apart, then it's good riddance. If you want to talk things over with father Rosy, I'll be back with you later.

[purrpullkush]

I'd say by this point as much as you are convinced otherwise, shes probably humping someone in NYC, or Chicago....either way, if she was still enthralled in the amazing being that is YOU, she wouldnt be prioritizing everything ELSE in her life, over you. Just honesty my brutha from anotha motha

[Secret Room]

Sometimes people in our life are not meant to last a lifetime. Just remember the good times and another door will open in which someone who is in tune with what’s going on in your life will walk through. Keep your communication open, and light. It’s just that her direction in life has taken a turn. She’s focused on her goals and dreams . I know it’s not what you want to hear, but it sounds like the reality of the situation. Long distance relationship don’t last, it’s like a plant without sunshine to nourish it to help it grow. You can’t keep it in the dark for it to survive.

[geezeressa]

well, maybe you just hafta let her have her space. Musical theater is one of the most grueling professions (I know, I'm from NYC and my parents were dancers). She sounds pretty exhausted, so just let life carry you both a little up/down the river. It may be painful, but it all works out in the end.

[pieceofmyheart]

People change, circumstances change, but a solid friendship/partnership will stay the course. The couples you see that have been together for 15, 20, 50 years have been through changes but they rode them out.

Both people need to decide how committed they are to the relationship. Then you need to be realistic and know that things won't always be so wonderful. Sometimes things are going to suck. Each bad time like this that you go through and stick it out will make your relationship stronger.

Or you can move on, but I think we can keep moving on for years and years until we decide to stick it out through the good and the bad with one person. Either you do or you don't.

Good luck with everything I do wish you the best.


you could tell her:

take awhile, take some time, take care
fly away and see the world
if you need rest, Ill keep our nest
changless

[Fat Albert]

Hey y'all.....

I'd like to thank everybody for their thoughtful responses. We talked briefly last night. She's really going to try pulling herself together, and getting through the next two months. I'm going to be there to help her as much or as little as she wants; we haven't discussed the particulars yet. I'm also being very level-headed about this with her, and not calling her in tears every ten minutes. I think that a mature response from me will help the situation, so that she won't be thinking about how she needs to get away from this unstable, emotional wreck.

And you know what? Yesterday and today HAVE been good days. Once I finally calmed down (about 2 hours after I started this thread), I was able to put things in perspective. To all those who are convinced that there's somebody else: sorry. There isn't. Now the challenge is to get through the bullshit of NYC and re-connect on a deeper level. I fully believe that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Both of us have been through a lot, and came out of it each time still together. With God's will, we'll be even stronger at the end!

Thank you all so very much! I'll keep you updated...

Cheers!
Fat A

P.S. I was fine on Saturday night until I smoked a mixed bong hit of SD/Amsterdam Flame. That took me from morose silence to full-blown hysteria in about sixty seconds....

[Fat Albert]

You have given out too much Reputation in the last 24 hours, try again later.

:smile:

Fat A

[sproutco]

Originally Posted by Fat Albert

Now, one month ago I had asked for a break.

You sorta started it. This brought this option out into the open. Saying this got her thinking. Sorry.

[Fat Albert]

Originally Posted by sproutco

You sorta started it. This brought this option out into the open. Saying this got her thinking. Sorry.

It started before that, Sproutco. That's why we were first discussing it. And I don't have a problem with taking a break if it will serve the long-term benefit of our relationship. That's why I asked for one in the first place...anything that can help us is an option. Thanks for stopping by!

Cheers!
Fat A