Man, I don't know if I even want to do this anymore

Lapides · May 6, 2015

Man, I'm a fucking mess. I don't know if I'm bi-polar or what. I've seen a psych a bunch and have never been diagnosed as such, but man, I dunno.

I've wasted half of my life growing this fucking plant. I've been arrested, on probation, and in prison because of my irresponsible involvement with it.

I love the perks. The freedom, the never ending supply of the highest quality herbs, the praise from friends and from people I've never met. Who wouldn't want that?

But I'm getting super sick of dealing with the downsides. The aforementioned legal issues, always having to look over my shoulder. In this business, ESPECIALLY in an illegal state, one pretty much has to live their life PERFECTLY in order to be truly successful. Perfect at work, perfect at home, perfect while out. I can't be perfect at work 100% of the time. It's killing me trying. I do stupid things likes leaving an incandescent on in the flowering room while the lights are off. You wanna know something? I ABSOLUTELY SUCK at rooting clones. You wanna know something else? My veg room is a complete travesty.

I want to quit. I want to quit SO BAD. But I haven't had a real job in years and the thought of actually getting one is more depressing than the way I feel right now. So I don't know what to do.

I guess the only thing I can do right now is cut more clones, trim this weed I have dried, and keep on keeping on.

Fuck my life.

I just had to get some shit off my chest, thanks.

Babbabud · May 6, 2015

Yup the only thing to do is keep going. Work hard on the attitude ... staying positive is very important no matter what path you choose. Stay up ... see the good in whats around you ! Suffer what there is to suffer Enjoy what there is to enjoy and natures order will prevail. Lots of people that love you here homie.... shake it off ... man up .. get that dam veg room in shape

one.sixoneeight · May 6, 2015

Focus on making the Veg room happy bro. You have the tools in the box.

SoufLondon · May 6, 2015

Have you thought about taking a break for a bit. Take a holiday to some place cheap and relaxing. Finish a nice big harvest, get paid, buy a plane ticket to a nice friendly island somewhere and relax for a few weeks. Make some new acquaintances, maybe even friends, from another place.

No one deserves to feel like you do now, i hope you are able to find a way to unwind and "reset" as it were.

al70 · May 6, 2015

Growing is your job, if you work hard in all aspects of your job, security, quality, etc. you'll be ok, chin up man, goodluck

unclefishstick · May 6, 2015

got a yard? plant a garden...you know,plants that you try and keep alive simply to bring joy to the eye? get a bike,slow down and see the world,no need to rush around like the lemmings going off to work every day...the money you make is just a tool to build the life you want,not the point of the whole thing...

snuggles · May 6, 2015

what you're having is called doubts. everyone has them from time to time.
it's very important to keep your head up and have a positive state of mind.
you're only going to get out of it what you put in...doesn't matter the job.
a job is a job is a job, ya know?
be it growing herb or doing the shift, doesn't really matter.
i wish you all the best!

also: exercise and eat well..you are what you eat.

peace

Lapides · May 6, 2015

Yeah, I just need to pull myself up out of this shit and get going again. I appreciate the replies and you all are right. Putting those things into action is a completely different animal though with the way I'm feeling right now.

I know how to do it, like I do every time this happens...just go through the motions until it feels good again.

But man these cycles are sure getting old. If my health stays good, I have AT LEAST another 40 years of this bullshit.

Yay.

whatsmells · May 6, 2015

Take a break for a while. If you have any strains you can't lose then give them to a friend with the arrangement you can have them back. It's a lot easier to straighten out a room when there is no plants in there. Start by putting the florescent light on a timer. The type you have to turn every hour or so. I have done the same thing and stunted groth in flower. I can't believe I just thought about the spin dial timer. Looks like a trip to Home Depot today. Good luck.

Lapides · May 6, 2015

Hopefully my last 10 years will be spent in dementia land and I won't know wtf is going on. Good luck with that with all the weed I smoke tho. I hear it helps protect the brain from that stuff.

snake11 · May 6, 2015

Could be worse. You have one of the best jobs in the world of you ask me. Take pride in your work. Put your heart into it and you will be surprised at how rewarding the results will be.

Lapides · May 6, 2015

The problem with taking a break is that since I've been out of prison, I've BARELY been treading water. I've literally been living off of 2kW for the past 2 years. I've recently doubled that which helps tremendously, but there have been nothing but little problems that affect the crop in big ways and I'm barely seeing any difference in that one yet.

I'm getting married next summer and future wife has an elaborate honeymoon planned for Peru, Chile, and Argentina, that will be the next break I see myself getting.

I really just needed a place to bitch and sob for a second. I appreciate everyone taking the time to read this BS and trying to help

Mikell · May 6, 2015

Fuck it, eh?

I know the feeling. Some people think I'm nutters. Bipolar has been thrown around once or twice. They'll have plenty time to mull over the finer points of that hypothesis sinking to the bottom of a glacial lake in a burlap sack, while making friends with their new bagmates, Heavy Rocks and Scrap Iron.

Aim to move some where's more hospitable if possible, no point worrying about nonsense that's localized to prohibition states if you don't have to. Might make a good long term goal if you think state law will stay the same.

Get out more. Winter doldrums and such creep up on you, a bit of sun brightens up the day and overall outlook. There's other bright sides as well, a lack of cockmeat sandwiches tops that list I would think.

whatsmells · May 6, 2015

Heres a thought and I will surely get stoned (not the good kind) for bringing this up on a cannabis forum but quit partaking for a while. Get your head clear. Give it a try. It worked for me.

Lapides · May 6, 2015

whatsmells said:
Heres a thought and I will surely get stoned (not the good kind) for bringing this up on a cannabis forum but quit partaking for a while. Get your head clear. Give it a try. It worked for me.

LOL, you know what? I actually set out to do that today. I made it about 1.5 hours!

Lapides · May 6, 2015

Mikell said:
Aim to move some where's more hospitable if possible, no point worrying about nonsense that's localized to prohibition states if you don't have to. Might make a good long term goal if you think state law will stay the same.

You know bro, I pushed so hard for that for so long with the fiance. But her family and her friends are here and she absolutely loves the house we live in and she's a princess and can be very stubborn. Which means she gets everything she wants and if she doesn't she stops at nothing until she has it. Over the past 7.5 years I've learned to just get out of the way or just give up with certain things.

In the meantime, I'll just continue to do my best to fly under the radar and keep 'sharecropping', as mojave green likes to call what I do.

CoCoSativas · May 6, 2015

Lapides said:
Man, I'm a fucking mess. I don't know if I'm bi-polar or what. I've seen a psych a bunch and have never been diagnosed as such, but man, I dunno.

I've wasted half of my life growing this fucking plant. I've been arrested, on probation, and in prison because of my irresponsible involvement with it.

I love the perks. The freedom, the never ending supply of the highest quality herbs, the praise from friends and from people I've never met. Who wouldn't want that?

But I'm getting super sick of dealing with the downsides. The aforementioned legal issues, always having to look over my shoulder. In this business, ESPECIALLY in an illegal state, one pretty much has to live their life PERFECTLY in order to be truly successful. Perfect at work, perfect at home, perfect while out. I can't be perfect at work 100% of the time. It's killing me trying. I do stupid things likes leaving an incandescent on in the flowering room while the lights are off. You wanna know something? I ABSOLUTELY SUCK at rooting clones. You wanna know something else? My veg room is a complete travesty.

I want to quit. I want to quit SO BAD. But I haven't had a real job in years and the thought of actually getting one is more depressing than the way I feel right now. So I don't know what to do.

I guess the only thing I can do right now is cut more clones, trim this weed I have dried, and keep on keeping on.

Fuck my life.

I just had to get some shit off my chest, thanks.

Try rooting your clones I coco maybe. My coco ones were better than my Rockwool ones.

If they live you are fine at doing clones. Im new to it, lost 2/20 last time. Acceptable to me. The rest were real nice.

Yeah growing can be stressful. Ive wanted to stop before for same reasons. I didnt. I dont grow for money anymore but have.

All the best man, when I have more time ill read more than your first post.

I recently blew some steam off posting and ranting up a thread I made just for that. Forums are here just for that reason. Support.

moses wellfleet · May 6, 2015

Errr dude I went into your albums...
Quit whining and feeling sorry for yourself. You are ahead of 99.9% of growers out there. Give yourself some credit.

Maybe smoke less of that UK cheese, I heard of that messing with peeps' heads.

Fuck the system, you are not a criminal. You have gathered knowledge and info beyond the ability of most, now use it and enjoy it!!!

RB56 · May 6, 2015

Lapides said:
LOL, you know what? I actually set out to do that today. I made it about 1.5 hours!

Been a while since I've gone 1.5 hours. Did it clear your head?

Mikell · May 6, 2015

Lapides said:
You know bro, I pushed so hard for that for so long with the fiance. But her family and her friends are here and she absolutely loves the house we live in and she's a princess and can be very stubborn. Which means she gets everything she wants and if she doesn't she stops at nothing until she has it. Over the past 7.5 years I've learned to just get out of the way or just give up with certain things.

In the meantime, I'll just continue to do my best to fly under the radar and keep 'sharecropping', as mojave green likes to call what I do.

Ah I was thinking that as I wrote it. They make for heavy baggage, but it's a good load to carry.

Makes me wonder if the settlers on the Oregon trail experienced a stream of conciousness style bitchfest.

"WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE WE DOING OUT HERE? I'm thirsty. Why did I have to leave my parents? Betty Sue just died of dyptheria and Mark has a snake bite! I have to pee."

I don't know where that came from. Maybe they were right..

Man, I don't know if I even want to do this anymore

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