[lumberjack.mr]

Thank you . Off to the dialysis center for the afternoon.. Have a great day folks! Lj.

post scrip; The dialysis center was again a horrible experience! the nurses tried to run the machine to fast for a new fistula , and blew the dam thing in two spots! now i have to wait an additional 2 days, but my arm looks horrid, and feels even worse! I am told that it is common for this to happen when fistula's haven't had enough time for the tissue to firm up, and the venous walls are fragile, and still growing to accommodate the extreme blood flow they must provide. This can cause the fistula - which is basically a vein that is hooked to an artery, and an ensuing growth, caused by the dramatic increase in pressure inside the vein, occurs, creating what we know as a Fistula, to blow out around the needles, or simply burst like a water balloon filled too fast or too full! Now that we know what we are dealing with, maybe someone can find a way to fix it? My life does kinda hang on the answer ...

[lumberjack.mr]

Another day, hope you are all well, my day is good. today i go back for another try at the dialysis center. I am really hopeful that today will run well. I am getting more and more symptomatic with the passing of each day! My legs are swollen from the time i arise from sleep to the time I finally can stand the pain no more and must lay down. i feel like crap because i am carrying a but load of toxins in my system ,with no way of dispersing them. I try not to complain, it only stresses my wife out ,and the kids start having sympathy pains/ behaviors. My oldest little one, 7 2/3 .. is becoming a little mini me! Everywhere i hurt she hurts, when my legs are too swollen to walk, sure enough- her legs will begin hurting and within a few moments she will blow it up in her mind until she gets so upset she starts crying, and my wife gets pissed at me? We have her in counseling, but that has turned into a attention gimmick, which she has learned to play very well.! I am really frustrated, but i don't want to just tell her to clam up, and i definitely do want to feed into it by pampering her.. Kids....
Well today is going to be interesting to say the least. lj.miker

[Wendull C.]

Up sick w a cold read your thread.
I do hope you have a good day at dialysis.
I would say keep your head up but you already seem to.

[justpassnthru]

Originally Posted by lumberjack.mr

Another day, hope you are all well, my day is good. today i go back for another try at the dialysis center. I am really hopeful that today will run well. I am getting more and more symptomatic with the passing of each day! My legs are swollen from the time i arise from sleep to the time I finally can stand the pain no more and must lay down. i feel like crap because i am carrying a but load of toxins in my system ,with no way of dispersing them. I try not to complain, it only stresses my wife out ,and the kids start having sympathy pains/ behaviors. My oldest little one, 7 2/3 .. is becoming a little mini me! Everywhere i hurt she hurts, when my legs are too swollen to walk, sure enough- her legs will begin hurting and within a few moments she will blow it up in her mind until she gets so upset she starts crying, and my wife gets pissed at me? We have her in counseling, but that has turned into a attention gimmick, which she has learned to play very well.! I am really frustrated, but i don't want to just tell her to clam up, and i definitely do want to feed into it by pampering her.. Kids....
Well today is going to be interesting to say the least. lj.miker

Hope things get better for your little girl and yourself. Living with disease, the ups and downs mentally and physically can be more of a challenge than we feel we can bare, at times. I tend to self destruct when I feel so lousy for so long. Makes the 'better' days even gooder! Hope you have a gooder day soon. jpt

[lumberjack.mr]

Today was better, at least this time they didn't blow the fistula. I hope it gets easier, but expect it too take a while. The offset of the entire event was the attitude of the nurses, and their genuine concern for my comfort and care. I feel more welcome at the Sherman facility. I know that sounds crazy ; to feel welcome at a dialysis center, but it beats the hell out of feeling like a problem! My arm will take several days for all of the bruising to dissipate, but i am told it often occurs that a new fistula is too fragile in the beginning, from being stretched to accommodate the blood flow necessary to do dialysis. I don't know how often it actually happens, nobody i have spoken with has had it happen to them. More likely; it is what they were instructed to tell me. Amazing how much one phone call can accomplish- to the right person..
I'm tired and the pain is back, Mike Lj.

[lumberjack.mr]

tomorrow at noon! Thats the next round in the chair. My arm is feeling better, but it is still inflamed and dark purple in the elbow and lower bicep muscle. The nurses all seemed to have one common thread- the doctor that started all of the screw-ups , is just that- a screw up! i told them i went to Dallas and they were all amazed about the size and quality of the fistula. Now the trick is to get it seasoned in, or toughened up a little, then we can relax a little. Be so glad to be back on 100& of dialysis clearance. Getting poor treatment makes for a lousy day! Lj.

[lumberjack.mr]

Another treatment done. Another day of living. I was told today that an incredible 19 patients were deceased in the last 2 months! Some just gave out and lost the fight, most just gave up and stopped treatment! That says a hell of a lot about the mental impact permanent life support has on a person, and their loved ones.
For now, I'm good. I have until Tuesday at noon to convince myself it is getting better, and the pain is less each time. How many years of this will i endure? I've been fighting for ten years now, and counting.. I'm so tired of being in pain, and seeing my loved ones in sorrow. I get so angry! I want to shout out " this is not what i signed up for" I am not having any fun being sick all of the time! I hate being the reason we can plan nothing in advance, because my health is too frail, and unpredictable! I hate being the one sitting on the sidelines watching everyone else live! I equally hate the looks of pity from folks when they see my girls! How can all of this be a destiny ? I have been in some of the worst moments of my life, in my memories and in my present, they all come out the same. I survive, to endure the next windfall, or seizure, or hospitalization. i have in my years of effort; accomplished so little of the goals and desires of my younger zeal. I now hope mostly for a comfortable and peaceful passing for me; life for my wife and children. i am tired and weak, from a life of strife and struggle. living on the streets at age 15, there are few states in which i have not traveled. I hitch=hiked across this country and back again - several times. I long for the place i found complete contentment in my adolescence, the island of my awakening Kauai. I have learned many things in my life , pain, fear,loathing, disgust. All taught to me be a cold and ruthless bitch called life. Still, in my hours of hope; it is my ability, and desire to help others that i wish most to express. I have always stood proud of my deeds, and the results they accomplished, but now my pride is defeated, and my will to survive is so tarnished. i find joy in my grand children's laughter, the comfort of a loyal dog by my side, and a loving home with my wife and children, and a garden where i may sit and smell the roses- or Other floWers.. Bring on spring - i'm tired of this grey sky, cold ass, wind chapped weather! MikeLJ.

[lumberjack.mr]

today was a little bit rough. I have not gotten completely balanced out on hemo yet, so I have up and down days.. Not that i really feel that terrible, just tired and lethargic. I try to keep active, and limit my daytime sleeping to times when i would be on dialysis- to make it easier to sleep in the chair. The nurses told me last time in; if i would take a couple of valium before i walk in, they would give me 100ml. of Benedryl as soon as they got me hooked up. I asked if it would help and was informed that the combination of the two is the former Pre-op shot for patients who were easily stressed, to settle them before anesthesia. I have tried this inadvertently in the past and got a real good nap out of the deal. I think it will be a little harder with those dam spikes in my arm, but we'll definitely find out tomorrow. My arm is finally starting to settle down, most of the inflammation and discoloration have dissipated. The fistula is still very fresh and fragile, but has grown tremendously, and should last for years. I know that my stress level climbs by the hour from the time I finish treatment, until the time of my next treatment. I feel like I have just been thru a Marine obstacle course every time I come home from treatment. All i want to do is sleep. Oddly enough, that's also a prime symptom of too little dialysis? Can't win if / or -- .and tomorrow will come ; like it or not.. Lj.mike

[lumberjack.mr]

good night folks; the center callled me in early.. 6am. Get it over with and i can be home in time for lunch with the girls. my stress level just sky rocketed, but it is what it is.. lj.

[sdd420]

Hello,
Stay strong bro! You have a lot to live for and can get thru this. A lot is mental you know also please don't forget to keep to a strict diet and take lots of vitamins too . I strongly believe in this it can help the body heal itself and give you energy to boot. Sdd