[castout]

Well, TOH, and I have been together for 13, and we hate each other.......or at least we are stuck on the hate side, of the thin line.

[justpassnthru]

Originally Posted by castout

I am just so lonely, and now I am afraid that I won't survive this new life, and I will die unhappy, and alone, with no comfort. I am scared, and sad. So, is this the curse of 13?

castout, only YOU can make yourself happy, NO ONE ELSE.

I doubt it has anything to do with "13" unless, this is the year, you PLAN your escape. pr

spitting or coughing up blood and not going to an M.D. is certain suicide or worse, decreased abilities.

[castout]

Unfortunately, we are together for the long haul......it really isn't as cut and dried as one might think. This is a messy, shitty situation, but we depend on each other for survival. TOH is an amazingly cool guy, but I think after being STUCK together 24/7, for the past 2 1/2 yrs. has bred some true resentment, on both our parts. Believe me when I say, I can give, as good as I get, but that only makes us stay on the hate side of the thin line between love and hate. I can deal with all the bullshit, what I can't deal with, is losing my friend. WE used to be good friends, now we are like enemy combatants, every word is like lighting the fuse. I am just venting here, because I can say what I am feeling, without being judged, or TOH being judged. This is the one place, I don't have to hide anything, but my name and where I live.

[justpassnthru]

This is all a CHOICE, no-one is stuck except by choice.

Choose to figure out a way to be happy with it, if you refuse to do anything about it.

It really IS that simple. I manage to be happy no matter where I am, if that is what I have chosen. Do your own thing and MAKE your own happiness. Get a cute cuddly little dog or kitty. And MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY!

The true key to happiness comes from within! Sad to think you are stuck, legally, financially or otherwise. It sometimes comes down to selecting a different less attractive lifestyle, but a happy one! We all make choices, you've made yours.

You don't have to go to couples counseling to work out a relationship. You can improve yourself and go, by yourself. It does help! I hope you rid yourself of emotional pain. and get the physical-emotional medical care you need. jpt

besides...happiness is just one jellyroll away! lol

[Crusader Rabbit]

It was difficult but I read it. Pretty awful situation you're in. You don't want this situation. Maybe you can talk with TOH without pushing the buttons you usually push? Is it possible for him to see outside of himself enough to allow this to happen? Probably not. He has a lot of learning still ahead of him and has to unlearn what his mother taught him. Pretty deep hole you've dug for yourselves. I'll be thinking about you.

[castout]

a jellyroll would be fab, right now!!!

People that have been abused as children carry that shit a long time and those on the outside of abuse don't get it very often. They seem to think the victim is just lying, or weak, or making shit up. And you went for the young dick which seemed like a good idea at the time but now you need a man that is older that can understand feeling like shit when you wake up and having problems. Your support system is fucked up. Hell, a 45 year old woman makes me feel like I'm with a teen. And don't feel alone. One of my friends about your age still has those young dicks in her eye and she could get one easily enough. I see the shit she goes through chasing younger men. I understand that she needs a good provider with good insurance and maybe a retirement account building. And I agree but I also have a 30 year old friend with two kids chasing dick also. I could likely get laid but I am not into that as much as I am into a partner that can help me get the shit done I need done. Pay bills, lay up and watch tv, cook some shit, house work and stuff. A young girl could do that all by herself and still have some go left but what do I say to her? And I am sure not into having any more kids. At my age, a good partner would have to have her shit together but very few do. Many have drug habits, are stuck with their kids, have health problems I can't help with, are financially a burden, thieves, liars, and all sorts of bs. I find myself , like you, fantasizing about a pardner but the reality of it is I also have much of this same shit - like kids - in my life also. So, here are a few things that I have found that help. If you are not on SSDI or SSI, get on it. You need a doctor that will write you a letter stating you are totally disabled and will be for at least a year if not permanently. They don't come to your house . It's all by forms. And it pays $1250 a month here or so. If you have kids under 23 still in school or college, you get about $250 a month more per kid. And SSI carries Medicaid that although is somewhat chickenshit, it does cover full medical and drugs. So you can go to the fucking doctor and get fixed and not worry about paying for meds. There are some places that still help women free for female issues. The hormone treatments help some if you are having problems. here is also creams for that at health food stores. I had one gf that rubbed that shit on and in an hour was making me go home and get in bed. So maybe they work for some things. Make sure you are eating decent stuff and drinking clean water. Check out some counseling and get some ideas on what to do. Steer clear of the pot issue. They don't get it at all. Make sure your boy doesn't get paranoid of your counseling and he doesn't need to know what goes on there but in general. There is a lot more, exercise, getting out some to a safe park, water, drive. So, if you want it to stay the same, just keep doing what you are doing. Otherwise, change one thing at a time and keep it to yourself so he doesn't get offended. Get plenty of rest. Get some medical help - apply for Medicaid or for the poor help local to you. Hope this helps although you didn't ask for help...but with that selfish situation you are in, you are gonna need it...later and forget the 13 bs...and I have abused kids that I finally got away from their mom and am still having to deal with even though the youngest is 23..

[Weird]

your both frustrated and stuck having to sit across from each other as you are being force fed a giant shit sandwich, my heart goes out to you two.

I know it seems impossible but you can't give up hope that there is an better place for both of you around the corner.

[dddaver]

Normally I am loathe to give ANY personal advice, and most especially when none is asked for. And even more especially then to an apparently super smart chick such as yourself. But maybe it might help for you and TOH to spend a little time apart. Even a short vacation like. Could you stay for a few days or a week at one of your kids houses?

I did read this after you edited. I think one reason I don't like to give personal advice is that I know people must and should do what is best for themselves and only need to be presented options. I think BrnCow offered up some good options, but what I didn't see there is that if you are offered SSDI they put you on MediCARE. A much more comprehensive program than MedicAIDE.

Whatever you do, good luck! But whatever it is, please do something, it'll only get worse with dire consequence unless you are proactive. Sometimes all we need is little kick in the pants to get it started. Do it! Self start. You'll even feel better by just trying SOMETHING.

[lost in a sea]

the fear of the number 13 comes from egypt,, and planetary interactions (ie paganism),, like so many of our "cultural" quirks and oddities interwoven through life in this age..

It has no meaning to any of us especially protestants or europeans who seem to venerate it alot,, Hebrews it does have a significance to but to them it was the 14th day that was "lucky" (or not horrifically unlucky anyway) instead of the 13th being horrifically unlucky for the Egyptians..

life flows,, look for boulders..