Why We Love Children


1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move"



2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"


3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"



4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.


"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence! ! was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."


5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.


One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."


6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"


7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."


8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.



9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in! ! Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."



10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"


11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

and some of the reasons we just hate their little asses sometimes too........

1 can't have daytime sex anymore

2 haven't had sex in the kitchen for 12 years

3 at night when they are all finally in bed and the rare night rolls around when ya both have the energy, at the crucial moment you hear "mom,dad, I just threw up"

4 you can tell a kid that normally brings home bad grades you'll give her $15 for every A, $10 for every B, $5 for every C and for every F you take awy $15 and damned if that kid won't get straight A's and make the honor roll every time

5 1 wife, 2 daughters = 3 cases of pms...........

6 he understands algebra and you don't.......and he's in the third grade......

I could go on...............

both good, ms.grat3, and stank.

LMAO!!!!!Aint it the truth tho,my 5th grade daughter comes home with math work that blows me away!!!Course I was raised in a much dumber world!!Still,all the math I know is good old fashioned math,the kind ya dont need a calcy for.

Subtitled....

Some of the reasons I never HAD kids!

But then, I have 30 cats and that's just about as bad sometimes! Especially when the boxes need cleaned..........

thanks ms grat3ful. my kid saved me from a life of violence and self destruction. he makes me laugh my ass off daily and does/says some things I would have never thought he would say!

NUDITY . . . . . . .

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when
a
woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from
the
back seat . . .
" Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt !"


HONESTY . . . . . . .

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in
the
garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my
bathroom
and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming
little smile . . . " We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it
fell
in the toilet a few days ago."


KETCHUP . . . . . . .

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter
to
answer the phone. " It's the minister, Mommy," . . . the child said to
her
mother. Then she added . . .
" Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting
the
bottle."


MORE NUDITY . . . . . . .

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies
grabbing
towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and
then
asked . . . " What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy
before ?"



ELDERLY . . . . . . .

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins,
I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the
inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered . . . "
The tooth fairy will never believe this !"


DRESS-UP . . . . . . .

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw
her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned . . . " Daddy, you shouldn't wear
that
suit."
" And why not, darling ?"
" You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."


SCHOOL . . . . . . .

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. " I'm just
wasting
my time,". . . she said to her mother . . . " I can't read, I can't
write
and they won't let me talk !"


BIBLE . . . . . . .

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the bible. He
picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had
been
pressed in between the pages. " Mama, look what I found." . . . the boy
called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered . . . " I think
it's
Adam's underwear!"

Please remind me....I have two teens and I have totally forgotten why we love them.




well sort of......

[guineapig]

pieceofmyheart at what age did they become difficult? i think i am just now going through my troubled teenage years and i have just turned thirty......i was always such a good kid when i was a teenager......wait, maybe i am having a mid-life crisis......uh oh.....-gp

[LadyOlive]

Great lines MrsGrat3ful and Stankbud.... those were so funny.

Here's a true story: When I was about 32 and my daughter was 4, I was sitting on the floor putting on my makeup in front of a lighted makeup mirror and I only had underwear on. My daughter was watching me and telling me how pretty mommy was.

Then a couple of minutes went by and she asked me, "Mom, when I grow up will I have boobies too?", and I said "Yes", but not until your a big girl".
A few moments went by and then she says "Mom... will they be long like yours.

I about died..... I laughed so hard I almost wet myself.

Out of the mouths of babes.