Scotsman Englishman and Irishman Jokes - Scotland - International Cannagraphic Magazine Forums

oldpink · 01-12-2010, 05:40 PM

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £250 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"

An Englishman,Scotsman and Irishman were in a bar drinking somewhere is South America.They noticed a pot of money in the corner and asked the barman what was it there for. "Well" said the barman "that is there for the taking for anyone who can 1

rink a full bottle of tequila in two minutes 2:Go into that box over there with a lion inside and pull a thorn from the lions foot. 3: finally go upstairs and make love to a 100 year old woman". What happens if we fail they enquired. "If ye fail and survive", the barman said, "ye'll be sold as sex-slaves to a local tribe". Despite the risks they said they would try it. The englishman goes first and after half the tequila he collapses drunk and is taken away to be sold. The Scotsman is next. He downs the tequila and staggers to the lion cage.The door is closed and there is a quick scream as he is eaten alive by the lion, unable to defend himself. The Irishman drinks the tequila and stumbles towards the lions den. The door is closed behind him and almost immediately there are the most spinecurdling screams and shouts coming from the cage which lasts all of ten minutes.There is banging up against the sides of the box and everything and then silence. The Irishman emerges battered,bleeding and torn - "now" he says " where is that lady with the thorn in her foot"

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped. The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.' And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The Englishman says, ''There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every that you buy.'' The Scot is not impressed and says, ''That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five.'' At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says ''That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar shuts he takes you into a room and makes love to you.'' The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies ''No, but my sister told me about it.''

My favourite

Three guys, one Irish, one English and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie. The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "FOOM" the oceans were teaming with fish. The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Scot says, "Fill it up with water."

Grat3fulh3ad · 01-12-2010, 05:53 PM

lol x 4...

oldpink · 01-12-2010, 06:01 PM

An Irishman a Scotsman and an Englishman were lost in the forest and were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.
So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The Irishman came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The Scotsman arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8. .. and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The Irishman and the Scotman met in heaven. The Irishman asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The Scotsman replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the Englishman coming with pineapples."

SuperConductor · 01-12-2010, 06:37 PM

Classics

Cindy99 · 01-13-2010, 04:41 AM

Yeah well what Happens when you are all three in One.

theHIGHlander · 01-14-2010, 10:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by oldpink

An Irishman a Scotsman and an Englishman were lost in the forest and were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.
So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The Irishman came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The Scotsman arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8. .. and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The Irishman and the Scotman met in heaven. The Irishman asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The Scotsman replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the Englishman coming with pineapples."

keepi t green
highlander

got a light · 01-15-2010, 03:33 PM

farkin kwality m8

01-12-2010, 05:40 PM	#1
oldpink Retired Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: sowing the seeds of love Posts: 5,952	Scotsman Englishman and Irishman Jokes An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £250 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!" An Englishman,Scotsman and Irishman were in a bar drinking somewhere is South America.They noticed a pot of money in the corner and asked the barman what was it there for. "Well" said the barman "that is there for the taking for anyone who can 1rink a full bottle of tequila in two minutes 2:Go into that box over there with a lion inside and pull a thorn from the lions foot. 3: finally go upstairs and make love to a 100 year old woman". What happens if we fail they enquired. "If ye fail and survive", the barman said, "ye'll be sold as sex-slaves to a local tribe". Despite the risks they said they would try it. The englishman goes first and after half the tequila he collapses drunk and is taken away to be sold. The Scotsman is next. He downs the tequila and staggers to the lion cage.The door is closed and there is a quick scream as he is eaten alive by the lion, unable to defend himself. The Irishman drinks the tequila and stumbles towards the lions den. The door is closed behind him and almost immediately there are the most spinecurdling screams and shouts coming from the cage which lasts all of ten minutes.There is banging up against the sides of the box and everything and then silence. The Irishman emerges battered,bleeding and torn - "now" he says " where is that lady with the thorn in her foot" Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped. The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.' And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again. A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The Englishman says, ''There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every that you buy.'' The Scot is not impressed and says, ''That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five.'' At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says ''That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar shuts he takes you into a room and makes love to you.'' The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies ''No, but my sister told me about it.'' My favourite Three guys, one Irish, one English and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie. The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "FOOM" the oceans were teaming with fish. The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Scot says, "Fill it up with water." __________________ Fly On My Sweet Angel Williamina Queen, 26.5.43 - 22.3.06 shine on 11/07/06 "Like Rick, I don't find it easy to express my feelings in words, but I loved him and will miss him enormously".David Gilmour Monday 15th September 2008 Gypsy is finally Free
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01-12-2010, 05:53 PM	#2
Grat3fulh3ad The Voice of Reason Join Date: May 2006 Location: Shambhala Posts: 8,461	lol x 4... __________________ Plant Nutrition Understanding Inorganic Salts "In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. ... It happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion." – Carl Sagan "There is rebirth of character, but no transmigration of a self. Thy thought-forms reappear, but there is no egoentity transferred. The stanza uttered by a teacher is reborn in the scholar who repeats the words. Only through ignorance and delusion do men indulge in the dream that their souls are separate and self-existent entities.""Our thinking is gone, but our thoughts continue. Reasoning ceases, but knowledge remains." – Buddha
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01-12-2010, 06:01 PM	#3
oldpink Retired Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: sowing the seeds of love Posts: 5,952	An Irishman a Scotsman and an Englishman were lost in the forest and were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The Irishman came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The Scotsman arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8. .. and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The Irishman and the Scotman met in heaven. The Irishman asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The Scotsman replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the Englishman coming with pineapples." __________________ Fly On My Sweet Angel Williamina Queen, 26.5.43 - 22.3.06 shine on 11/07/06 "Like Rick, I don't find it easy to express my feelings in words, but I loved him and will miss him enormously".David Gilmour Monday 15th September 2008 Gypsy is finally Free
	Quote

01-12-2010, 06:37 PM	#4
SuperConductor Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 1,024	Classics __________________ "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out." - Bill Hicks "You shouldn't say what you don't know, you shouldn't reap what you never sow" - Wayne Smith One thing I'm sure of is I know nothing
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01-15-2010, 03:33 PM	#7
got a light monkey on acid on a stick with maracas and bongo drums Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: in the clouds Posts: 171	farkin kwality m8 __________________ we are the people our parents warned us about
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01-13-2010, 04:41 AM	#5
Cindy99 Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 113	Yeah well what Happens when you are all three in One.
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