Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a
wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. AAA is not
an option. I will win.
______________________________ _______________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop
the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If
another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer
and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.
______________________________ _______________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me
soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman.
You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
______________________________ _______________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic
items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same
thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up
anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I.
- guys cumin is a spice and not a bodily function)
______________________________ _______________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost
me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it
back together.
______________________________ ______________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my
hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss an
entire show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by
holding a calculator)...applies to engineers mainly.
______________________________ _______________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex, cars or football. I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't ask.
______________________________ _______________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about
her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is
okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something
for my mother too.
______________________________ _______________________
Because I'm a
man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if
you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... and if you are feeling
amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name
and recommend it to others.
______________________________ _______________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought
what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of
shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is
fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now?
______________________________ _______________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like
looking for my socks, or like wandering around in the garden with a
beer wondering what to do.
______________________________ _______________________
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand
the Male.

[Secret Room]

When your dating he's a perfect gentleman. Then all of a sudden the Burps and Farts start and he feels like he sharing something funny and special just for you. Is he using the same thought process as when your kitty brings a bird or squirrel home to you.

HAHA, love it.

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.


Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die,"
she wails. Then she
yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a
WOMAN?"


For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They
all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then
an Mexican man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall,
well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly
up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt .......one button at a time.


No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.
................She gasps... He stares deeply into her eyes. She starts to
feel faint.


................
He whispers softly: "Here, iron this, and get me something to eat."

Thanks ! we have the day off, can you tell?

An old man goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.

The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR"

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to

build up the required pressure.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can

walk down the street with a bald head and a beer

gut, and still think they are sexy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither ! God nor Man has rested.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

[immortal]

[mean mr.mustard]

ouch. This is why we can't talk about our feelings.

Ms.G,
I Love it!!!Outright funny shit,alot more people oughta see the humerous side of life,it helps!!
"Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to

build up the required pressure. "
laughing my ASS off on this 1!!!!Good Job Lady!!!!