The ICMag Creative Writers Group. - Page 4 - Hobbies and Interests - International Cannagraphic Magazine Forums

basscadet · 01-05-2009, 11:02 AM

It's been longer than I expected in replying, there is such a wealth of information on this site, I've been planning my first [hopefully successfull]grow and checking threads.

I hope I made it in time but here is my Depths of Desparity story.

~
~
Naïve and alone in the new room, I sit on an old, fat mattress on the floor, staring at my life still in boxes and suitcases, packed away cluttered like the thoughts in my head. Fresh out of home and heavy with guilt, but stubborn to make a new start, my shoulders slumped I stare at the floor as the carpet begins to resemble a part of the Australian landscape I’ve never been to but could imagine. I see the dryness and desolate isolation of tufts of grass and sand. A trick of the light in this new place, a house where I would visit just to pick up my fuzzy green love is now my home.

I think of the family everyone else had and the polar opposite of what was my ordeal. I wonder why everyone else says they had it so tough ‘cos mummy and daddy had split up. They can at least visit each parent, I needed a ouija board to do that. Feelings of guilt rage on, I thought I had dealt with this already, but they flood my mind daily. Now there was time for them to get to the surface instead of pushing them back down. Praying for things to change, for the beatings and humiliation to stop but the catalyst for change came at a huge price. Had I caused it? Had I prayed for death to strike to save me?

Born and raised in captivity, there was never a chance to be normal, I looked normal, the family looked normal from the outside, loved even. But no-one could know what really went on, and I was always told that bad things would happen if I did, so silence became my protection, and my downfall.

Like normal, my father would don his dinner suit and briefcase and go to his cult meetings and my mother would support him without knowing what went on there. None of us knew and that was how it was supposed to be, always had been, always will.

How I dealt with it may have been wrong but for me, it was my only way out and I grabbed it with both hands. It only took a moment for my world to collapse around me, I didn’t even notice at the time, images of the phoenix rush through my head and give me hope, even if only for a few precious moments, but hope doesn’t need to stay long. Once you see it, inspiration does the rest. I hope.

But alone is alone, friends come and go. Lovers come and come and go but at the core of life is ourselves, the voice that speaks to us in the darkest point of night is the one true thing we can trust. We hope. Is it the conscience, or the soul… or memories of our parents telling us of life before we could comprehend who was who and what we we’re hearing? If the latter is true, do we really know who these people are if they have never sat down and told you about their experiences. They just yell at you to do as they say no matter what, or else…

Sitting in the silence of the new house, wooden beams and boards creaking in the change of temperature as old homes do, I hope. Leaves on the trees outside the window squeak and scrape on the glass in the wind. As I watch the moon shining through the gap in the curtain, a rich word to use for the black plastic garbage bags I’ve used to block out the neighbours prying eyes, I feel like I’m no longer alone.

The retractable blade of one of my knives glistens in the moonlight in front of my face. Once used to sharpen the pencils to sketch my escapist artwork now draws closer to end of my life.

“What will you do now?” I look down at the short blade resting against my wrist. “Could things get better or worse than this?” but I just stare at the blade. Only twenty years of life and standing at the threshold of the abyss. How does one get to this point, maybe I can blame the parenting, or lack of. Maybe this will be my new start, just a new start to something completely different to what I had in mind.

The time for blame has been and gone, this is my reality now, this is my pain creeping up on me that I had turned my back on.

“What do you want from life? You sit here doing nothing but smoke and dream. I can end this pain and set you free.”

Images of what lays ahead of me if things go the way I hope and the way I now dread. I don’t want this to happen, I want this to be over but not this way.

I glance down at the hand that holds the knife to my wrist and the shadow cast from the raised scar on my index finger. “Things will get better, they can’t stay like this forever.” I say.

I look around the empty room and drop the knife at my feet. I reach for another pipe like a new-born suckling at the nipple, I drag another chamber of smoke into my lungs, realising the freedom gained from the prison of upbringing is not the destination but the beginning of a much larger battle raging unabated within me.

Misery may love company but it’s a lonely place.

~
~

basscadet

spaceghost22 · 01-05-2009, 11:22 AM

Very good basscadet, this is haunting. I may know your pain. I carry a long, jagged scar on my left wrist from a failed attempt long ago. I had done the deed, lost some blood, lost consciousness only to wake in a hospital with wires, tubes and a catheter up my... thing. If my girlfriend at the time didn't come home early that day...A just punishment for my stupidity. Enough of me.

I'm truly glad that you are still here, depression/PTSD can be crippling and a long battle, but pain is temporary. Thank-you for your post, I look forward to reading more from you.

Just a little technical advice, if you'd like your link to appear only as "The ICMag Writers Group/Circle" there needs to be a [url= in front of the https:// and a [/URL] after the Group/Circle.

Again, thank you for sharing with us and good luck with your grow!

DoobieDuck · 01-05-2009, 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spaceghost22

I don't have access to that magazine so I hope you don't mind if I ask you a couple questions?

Spacie..why? don't you have access..it is available now in Borders, Books A Million, Barnes n Noble.

Quote:

How did the editing process treat you? Are you completely work at home now, or were you already?

The process was very smooth but long...which is a good thing. My story was changed very little. I do wish they could have included more images but I'm a photographer and always wish for that. Yes completely work at home, un-able to drive, the story has more of the details

Quote:

I noticed you say that you're disabled in your sig, may I inquire about this as well? Please, if you can, would you post your story for us to read here (In a couple days, after the current topic expires of course)?

I 've had several major surgeries with hardware and now have developed a seizure disorder preventing me from driving. The story will be available on TreatingYpurself.com but I'm not sure when they put it on line, guessing at least a month. When they do so I'll try and post it here as well. Thanks for asking, really...DD.
Cannacopia Lapis Mountain Indica

basscadet · 01-05-2009, 04:08 PM

Thanks spaceghost...

Glad we are both here, what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.

That was pretty intense to write, I hadn't thought about that in a while untill I drove past the house I was living in at the time. Living with two dealers at the time so reality was kept at arms length for three years. Sometimes I wonder how I survived but I wouldn't trade those times for anything.

I'm starting to think there should be a "funny thing happened when..." story. Balance out the pain with laughter and laugh in the face of adversity.

btw.. I eventually worked out the sig thing, (only after 3 tries... it's late here LOL)

doobieduck, congrats on being published, there's nothing like seeing your work being enjoyed by others. Makes the lonely hours at the keyboard worthwhile, keep it up!

Reading a copy now, downloadable from the treatingyourself website.

basscadet

DoobieDuck · 01-05-2009, 06:59 PM

basscadet thanks for posting that the story is available at their site but I visited today and it is not up yet?....DD

spaceghost22 · 01-09-2009, 09:16 AM

On a more sombre note...

It is with much regret that I must inform the reading audience that I must stop posting here for an indeterminate amount of time. I recently began my most up-to-date bout with depression and it is strengthening at a quickening rate. I am begging to act out a mania that I'm so well know for locally. It was in this state of mind that I recently posted my feelings on the Israel vs. Gaza fighting from a critical, humanitarian stance and received quite a bit of flack for this. While this really isn't so bad, my feelings are uncontrollable and for fear that I may do harm to myself of to others I must remit, I cannot bare any negativity in my life right now, I may collapse.

Never did I think I would be ostracized at this place, but as fate would have it I was. I'm sorry if this comes at an inconvenient time for any of you, it was not my wish to cause any ripples in your lives, my problems should never translate unnecessarily into others, I've learned this lesson before. It is under these pretense that I will back away into the ether for a bit... Please have an understanding heart, can't you?

May Gaia welcome you all into her innermost gardens for lunch.

spaceghost22 · 01-19-2009, 02:18 AM

OK, I'm back. Where is everyone? Are you all hiding?

NiteTiger · 01-19-2009, 02:34 AM

Heya Space, glad to see you back man.

I didn't have my bi-polar diagnosed until a coupla years ago, and thought everyone had those swings. The wonderful, raging, on-top-of-the-world feeling, where you could do anything, survive anything, and solve all the worlds problems. Then the come down, the smashing to earth that's as devastating to your spirit as a fall from a great height would be to your body. The crushing weight of the depression, forcing you down, until you couldn't even see a reason to crawl out of bed. The conviction that your life was worth less than nothing, and was nothing but a life sucking burden to those you love. The horrible feeling of being completely useless, with no validation for your existence.

I know how it can be, and I'm so glad you're conscious enough to recognize that, and pull back before you hurt anyone else.

If you want, I'll write a quick story for you, to revive your thread, and your acceptance here. Just give me the topic bro.

spaceghost22 · 01-19-2009, 08:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NiteTiger

Heya Space, glad to see you back man.

I didn't have my bi-polar diagnosed until a coupla years ago, and thought everyone had those swings. The wonderful, raging, on-top-of-the-world feeling, where you could do anything, survive anything, and solve all the worlds problems. Then the come down, the smashing to earth that's as devastating to your spirit as a fall from a great height would be to your body. The crushing weight of the depression, forcing you down, until you couldn't even see a reason to crawl out of bed. The conviction that your life was worth less than nothing, and was nothing but a life sucking burden to those you love. The horrible feeling of being completely useless, with no validation for your existence.

I know how it can be, and I'm so glad you're conscious enough to recognize that, and pull back before you hurt anyone else.

If you want, I'll write a quick story for you, to revive your thread, and your acceptance here. Just give me the topic bro.

NiteTiger, I don't think I could've described it any better than that... nice job and thank you, it feels good to hear words of inspiration every once in a while. What can I say about the polar depressions, it's just something which must be tolerated and understood by those who suffer it. Without an understanding there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

Oh, a topic he says. One would think that I'd be able to whip one off with all of the manic craziness. How about something a little less straight forward this time, something fiction based. How about a fictional story in the genera of your choosing.

NiteTiger · 01-19-2009, 10:03 AM

Bah, what a cop out

I'm about to crash for the night, I think. I've got some ideas though, and they may not hold until tomorrow. :wink: But they probably will

01-05-2009, 11:02 AM	#31
basscadet Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Grow it!> Growers Forum> Micro Grows Posts: 222	It's been longer than I expected in replying, there is such a wealth of information on this site, I've been planning my first [hopefully successfull]grow and checking threads. I hope I made it in time but here is my Depths of Desparity story. ~ ~ Naïve and alone in the new room, I sit on an old, fat mattress on the floor, staring at my life still in boxes and suitcases, packed away cluttered like the thoughts in my head. Fresh out of home and heavy with guilt, but stubborn to make a new start, my shoulders slumped I stare at the floor as the carpet begins to resemble a part of the Australian landscape I’ve never been to but could imagine. I see the dryness and desolate isolation of tufts of grass and sand. A trick of the light in this new place, a house where I would visit just to pick up my fuzzy green love is now my home. I think of the family everyone else had and the polar opposite of what was my ordeal. I wonder why everyone else says they had it so tough ‘cos mummy and daddy had split up. They can at least visit each parent, I needed a ouija board to do that. Feelings of guilt rage on, I thought I had dealt with this already, but they flood my mind daily. Now there was time for them to get to the surface instead of pushing them back down. Praying for things to change, for the beatings and humiliation to stop but the catalyst for change came at a huge price. Had I caused it? Had I prayed for death to strike to save me? Born and raised in captivity, there was never a chance to be normal, I looked normal, the family looked normal from the outside, loved even. But no-one could know what really went on, and I was always told that bad things would happen if I did, so silence became my protection, and my downfall. Like normal, my father would don his dinner suit and briefcase and go to his cult meetings and my mother would support him without knowing what went on there. None of us knew and that was how it was supposed to be, always had been, always will. How I dealt with it may have been wrong but for me, it was my only way out and I grabbed it with both hands. It only took a moment for my world to collapse around me, I didn’t even notice at the time, images of the phoenix rush through my head and give me hope, even if only for a few precious moments, but hope doesn’t need to stay long. Once you see it, inspiration does the rest. I hope. But alone is alone, friends come and go. Lovers come and come and go but at the core of life is ourselves, the voice that speaks to us in the darkest point of night is the one true thing we can trust. We hope. Is it the conscience, or the soul… or memories of our parents telling us of life before we could comprehend who was who and what we we’re hearing? If the latter is true, do we really know who these people are if they have never sat down and told you about their experiences. They just yell at you to do as they say no matter what, or else… Sitting in the silence of the new house, wooden beams and boards creaking in the change of temperature as old homes do, I hope. Leaves on the trees outside the window squeak and scrape on the glass in the wind. As I watch the moon shining through the gap in the curtain, a rich word to use for the black plastic garbage bags I’ve used to block out the neighbours prying eyes, I feel like I’m no longer alone. The retractable blade of one of my knives glistens in the moonlight in front of my face. Once used to sharpen the pencils to sketch my escapist artwork now draws closer to end of my life. “What will you do now?” I look down at the short blade resting against my wrist. “Could things get better or worse than this?” but I just stare at the blade. Only twenty years of life and standing at the threshold of the abyss. How does one get to this point, maybe I can blame the parenting, or lack of. Maybe this will be my new start, just a new start to something completely different to what I had in mind. The time for blame has been and gone, this is my reality now, this is my pain creeping up on me that I had turned my back on. “What do you want from life? You sit here doing nothing but smoke and dream. I can end this pain and set you free.” Images of what lays ahead of me if things go the way I hope and the way I now dread. I don’t want this to happen, I want this to be over but not this way. I glance down at the hand that holds the knife to my wrist and the shadow cast from the raised scar on my index finger. “Things will get better, they can’t stay like this forever.” I say. I look around the empty room and drop the knife at my feet. I reach for another pipe like a new-born suckling at the nipple, I drag another chamber of smoke into my lungs, realising the freedom gained from the prison of upbringing is not the destination but the beginning of a much larger battle raging unabated within me. Misery may love company but it’s a lonely place. ~ ~ basscadet __________________ 110100100 The ICMag Writers Group/Circle First grow, Gigabud and White Skunk in a PC (completed) 3 plants in a pc PSU (perpetual) Last edited by basscadet; 01-05-2009 at 11:14 AM..
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01-05-2009, 11:22 AM	#32
spaceghost22 The A.M. is my friend Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Doncha know? Posts: 353	Very good basscadet, this is haunting. I may know your pain. I carry a long, jagged scar on my left wrist from a failed attempt long ago. I had done the deed, lost some blood, lost consciousness only to wake in a hospital with wires, tubes and a catheter up my... thing. If my girlfriend at the time didn't come home early that day...A just punishment for my stupidity. Enough of me. I'm truly glad that you are still here, depression/PTSD can be crippling and a long battle, but pain is temporary. Thank-you for your post, I look forward to reading more from you. Just a little technical advice, if you'd like your link to appear only as "The ICMag Writers Group/Circle" there needs to be a [url= in front of the https:// and a [/URL] after the Group/Circle. Again, thank you for sharing with us and good luck with your grow! __________________ EXO's cell culture protocol visited B.S.G.A Last edited by spaceghost22; 01-05-2009 at 11:23 AM..
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01-05-2009, 04:08 PM	#34
basscadet Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Grow it!> Growers Forum> Micro Grows Posts: 222	Thanks spaceghost... Glad we are both here, what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. That was pretty intense to write, I hadn't thought about that in a while untill I drove past the house I was living in at the time. Living with two dealers at the time so reality was kept at arms length for three years. Sometimes I wonder how I survived but I wouldn't trade those times for anything. I'm starting to think there should be a "funny thing happened when..." story. Balance out the pain with laughter and laugh in the face of adversity. btw.. I eventually worked out the sig thing, (only after 3 tries... it's late here LOL) doobieduck, congrats on being published, there's nothing like seeing your work being enjoyed by others. Makes the lonely hours at the keyboard worthwhile, keep it up! Reading a copy now, downloadable from the treatingyourself website. basscadet __________________ 110100100 The ICMag Writers Group/Circle First grow, Gigabud and White Skunk in a PC (completed) 3 plants in a pc PSU (perpetual) Last edited by basscadet; 01-05-2009 at 04:53 PM..
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01-05-2009, 06:59 PM	#35
DoobieDuck Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Only where my disabilities allow me to be. Posts: 7,419	basscadet thanks for posting that the story is available at their site but I visited today and it is not up yet?....DD __________________ Please join me in my Summer 2018 All Black Grow Last edited by Doobieduck; 01-06-2009 at 01:05 PM..
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01-09-2009, 09:16 AM	#36
spaceghost22 The A.M. is my friend Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Doncha know? Posts: 353	On a more sombre note... It is with much regret that I must inform the reading audience that I must stop posting here for an indeterminate amount of time. I recently began my most up-to-date bout with depression and it is strengthening at a quickening rate. I am begging to act out a mania that I'm so well know for locally. It was in this state of mind that I recently posted my feelings on the Israel vs. Gaza fighting from a critical, humanitarian stance and received quite a bit of flack for this. While this really isn't so bad, my feelings are uncontrollable and for fear that I may do harm to myself of to others I must remit, I cannot bare any negativity in my life right now, I may collapse. Never did I think I would be ostracized at this place, but as fate would have it I was. I'm sorry if this comes at an inconvenient time for any of you, it was not my wish to cause any ripples in your lives, my problems should never translate unnecessarily into others, I've learned this lesson before. It is under these pretense that I will back away into the ether for a bit... Please have an understanding heart, can't you? May Gaia welcome you all into her innermost gardens for lunch. __________________ EXO's cell culture protocol visited B.S.G.A
	Quote

01-19-2009, 02:18 AM	#37
spaceghost22 The A.M. is my friend Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Doncha know? Posts: 353	OK, I'm back. Where is everyone? Are you all hiding? __________________ EXO's cell culture protocol visited B.S.G.A
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01-19-2009, 02:34 AM	#38
NiteTiger Tiger, Tiger, burning bright... Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 4,256	Heya Space, glad to see you back man. I didn't have my bi-polar diagnosed until a coupla years ago, and thought everyone had those swings. The wonderful, raging, on-top-of-the-world feeling, where you could do anything, survive anything, and solve all the worlds problems. Then the come down, the smashing to earth that's as devastating to your spirit as a fall from a great height would be to your body. The crushing weight of the depression, forcing you down, until you couldn't even see a reason to crawl out of bed. The conviction that your life was worth less than nothing, and was nothing but a life sucking burden to those you love. The horrible feeling of being completely useless, with no validation for your existence. I know how it can be, and I'm so glad you're conscious enough to recognize that, and pull back before you hurt anyone else. If you want, I'll write a quick story for you, to revive your thread, and your acceptance here. Just give me the topic bro. __________________ *Remember - Every 'elite' started off as someone's bagseed* kingjobber - This hash just uncentered my chi Growing cannabis is only as complicated and expensive as you want it to be. Current Grow: Knowledge Guides: Diatomaceous Earth - The Best Pesticide You've Never Heard Of Pontiac's DIY Link-O-Rama Unofficial Glossary for New Growers The Water Cure- How, when, and why How to remove 'HPS Orange' quick and easy!
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01-19-2009, 10:03 AM	#40
NiteTiger Tiger, Tiger, burning bright... Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 4,256	Bah, what a cop out I'm about to crash for the night, I think. I've got some ideas though, and they may not hold until tomorrow. :wink: But they probably will __________________ *Remember - Every 'elite' started off as someone's bagseed* kingjobber - This hash just uncentered my chi Growing cannabis is only as complicated and expensive as you want it to be. Current Grow: Knowledge Guides: Diatomaceous Earth - The Best Pesticide You've Never Heard Of Pontiac's DIY Link-O-Rama Unofficial Glossary for New Growers The Water Cure- How, when, and why How to remove 'HPS Orange' quick and easy!
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