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Old 08-27-2004, 11:24 PM #41

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lol photo i posted that one back on the second page :p :p i know whereu get ur jokes now!

Old 08-27-2004, 11:25 PM #42

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Man, I loved so many of the jokes posted here!!!!!

Here's another good one:

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom & sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret & sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion & he is so nice, with all his piercings & tattoos & his big motorcycle. But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant & Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me & that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone & we'll be growing it for us & his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine & ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now & I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!
You couldn't get a clue even during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
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Old 08-27-2004, 11:41 PM #43

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this is absolutely hilarious, im still laughing my ass off

Old 08-27-2004, 11:46 PM #44

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You know your a stoner when....

Old 08-28-2004, 05:54 AM #45
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I thought I killed this thread...

Gawd I love kids and the things they say...


Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one
candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,

"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It
will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years

"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy
bars at a time?"

"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking


A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a
fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little BILLY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like
your thinking."

Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There
are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice icream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the one. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I
suppose the one

that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the
one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."


Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F
in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father."

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father?

"That's what I said!"


Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we
are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have
an example of a multi-syllable word?"

BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a

Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My
father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful
in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on
little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out

The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she
reluctantly called on little BILLY.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father
that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful."
One more time to kill the pain.
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Old 08-28-2004, 06:56 AM #46

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10 Rules for Dating my Daughter

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waistline.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of “barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, a backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. Or a fighter jet over the desert in Kuwait. When my Agent Orange or other things I have been exposed to start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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Old 08-28-2004, 07:04 AM #47

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Three indian boys were walking home on the reservation(don't worry I'm an indian).The one boy looks over and says "My dad is so fast he can out run my horse"!
The other boy says"My dad is faster than that he can shoot his bow and run and catch the arrow before it hits the target"!
The last boy says" thats nothing my dad works for the tribe until 5:30 p.m. And he home at two every day".
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Old 08-29-2004, 07:03 AM #48
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ugly bus

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make'em all ugly again".

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Old 08-29-2004, 08:29 AM #49
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Here's another reason why we love Texas!

A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a
road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand
dune: "One Texas soldier is better than ten Iraqi".

The Iraqi commander quickly orders 10 of his best men
over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a
few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: "One Texan is better
than one hundred Iraqi."

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100
troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After
10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Texan voice calls out again: "One Texan is better
than one thousand Iraqi."

The enraged Iraqi commander musters 1000 fighters and
sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns,
grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is
fought....Then silence.

Eventually one badly wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back
over the dune and with his dying words tells his
commander, Don't send any more's a trap. There's two of
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Old 08-29-2004, 09:51 AM #50

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Heres one from the wife...

"Whats the definition of a Freudian slip"?
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