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Old 01-15-2019, 03:30 PM #4881
armedoldhippy
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Originally Posted by Stoner4Life View Post


you're a funny bunch of guys,
but looks aren't everything
yet some fool woman married me. go figure... (i'm pretty sure she regrets it now, though)
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Old 01-30-2019, 09:30 AM #4882
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Talking Math joke for stoner

Gentlemen...

I found the result of the cubic root of 4:20









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Old 01-30-2019, 04:32 PM #4883
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TANITO View Post
Gentlemen...

I found the result of the cubic root of 4:20



View Image

View Image



looks right to me...
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Old 02-01-2019, 06:44 PM #4884
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THE TEST

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"


"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."


The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"


"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."


So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.


"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:


First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."



"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."


"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."



The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"


"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."


As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"


He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now...., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
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Old 02-02-2019, 12:38 AM #4885
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Monday - Greg
Tuesday - Ian
Wednesday - Greg
Thursday - Ian
Friday - Greg
Saturday - Ian
Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar.
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Old 02-02-2019, 06:20 PM #4886
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A Roman Legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "five beers please."
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Old 02-03-2019, 01:56 AM #4887
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lamenamenumbers View Post
A Roman Legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "five beers please."
I see what you did there!
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Old 02-03-2019, 03:28 PM #4888
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Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together.
"Is this your first child?" says the older woman.
"No," says the younger woman. "I have another."
"I have three." Continues the older woman. "After the first kid, my husband was so sweet. He bought me a diamond necklace."
"Oh, how nice." Said the young woman.
"After the second, he bought me a new car. He said I deserve the best."
"Oh, how nice." Said the younger woman.
"And after the third, he bought us a new house. It was expensive, but he said his family was worth it."
"Oh, how nice." Said the younger woman.
"So, what has your husband gotten you?"
"Well, we only have one child. After he was born, my husband thought I needed to clean up my language, so he got me lessons at charm school."
"Is that so?"
"Yes. Now instead of saying 'go fuck yourself,' I say 'oh, how nice'."
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Old 02-03-2019, 03:55 PM #4889
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A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb To temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said,

"Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
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Old 03-02-2019, 03:05 PM #4890
Robrites
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A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”


Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to the piano and starts playing! The barman was blown away by this and agrees to the drinks and then asks, “Where did you find him?” “Well,” says the man, “I found this magic lamp.” Goes back in to the box and pulls out this old brass oil lamp. “I rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted me one wish and then he said I must pass the lamp on to the next person that did me a kindness.” “Wow,” says the barman. The man then says, “As you gave me a drink I’m going to let you have the lamp.” “Be careful what you wish for though.” So the barman rubs the lamp and then makes his wish……… Next thing the bar has ducks everywhere!!! Crapping on the bar and the floor and all over the customers!!!!! The barman shouts at the man saying,“ I wished for a million Bucks! not a million ducks!” To this the man replies, “ And you think that I wished for a 12 inch Pianist?!”
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