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Old 07-28-2004, 08:46 AM #21
PassTheDoobie
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A rip off of Chris Rock (as I was told)

So every day I look into the mirror and stare at the face looking back at me. And I say:

"FUCK YOU!

"Fuck your dreams!"

"Fuck your dignity!"

"Fuck your self respect!"

"Fuck all the hopes you ever had for your life!"

And then, as I look at the image of dispair staring back at me.....

"Now get out there and make that bitch happy!"
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Old 07-28-2004, 09:21 AM #22
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good one i found online

"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes, what do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open everypiece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, Buddy!"
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Old 07-28-2004, 09:57 AM #23
Pacridge
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LOL! oh, yeah they can't find terrorist but hey they can chop wood!
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Old 07-29-2004, 03:13 AM #24
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Here we go another for today. Sorry Blondes......

A Blonde woman comes home from work and sees her husbands has come home early. She walks in the house and hears commotion upstairs. She goes to investigate and finds him doing the neighbor. Furious she goes into the closet where his gun is kept. She puts it to her temple and threatens to do herself in. The Husband freaks out and tells her...... Don't do it, She means nothing I'm sorry! The Blonde looks at him in Disgust while the gun is pointed to her temple and says. Shutup asshole your Next!

Ah yes thank you, thank you, try the Veal. I'll be here all week tip your waitress.

Funny guys keep em coming.
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Old 07-29-2004, 03:46 AM #25
BridesNightie
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Am Australian woman goes to France for a holiday, she checks into her hotel in Paris and the maid takes her to her room.
The maid shows her around the room expecting to get a good tip; "here we have your bedroom with a beautiful view of the Champs-Elysees, it is beautiful no?, through here is your ensuite bathroom, with the bath and the bidet for your enjoiment..." Here the Australian tourist stops the woman and says "OMG whats that for, washing a baby in?" and the maid replies, "No madame that is for washing the baby out!"

This is an email from someone I know who works as a securiity guard at an apartment complex:

"LOL talk about a laugh, at work last night a guy and his missus came up to me and said that they could see a foot on a bed in an adjacent apartment and that it hadn't moved in 12 hrs. I took a torch up and shone it on the window opposite from their apartment and sure enough there was this bare foot at a funny angle. called the cops, next thing cops, ambos and fireies* arrive. went up and knocked on the door but no response, more cops arrived including a pair of senior sergeants.
the firies were looking forward to busting the door down, when one of the cops went up to the podium level above the unit, climbed onto a brick wall and shone his torch into the place. turned out to be an artificial foot on a shelf next to the window

(*ambulance and fire brigade)

keystone cops!
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Old 07-29-2004, 04:26 AM #26
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Damn I knew I left my foot somewhere. Could'nt figure out why I had a limp.

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Old 07-29-2004, 05:06 AM #27
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Here is a blonde one.......Why do blondes whistle when they go to the bathroom?.......So they know which end to wipe... SP
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Old 07-29-2004, 05:10 AM #28
myrth
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all-time always get's a laugh...

...at least in the USA...

Q: How do you make a group of old ladies say, "Fuck!"?

hum dee dum.... give up?

A: Have one of them yell "Bingo!!".

-myrth

PS - send me some seeds for my collection...
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Old 07-29-2004, 05:41 AM #29
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I found it! I found it!!

Has to be read all the way through to be fully appreciated

An engineer took a cruise to the Caribbean. It was wonderful; the experience of his life. But, alas, a hurricane came up unexpectedly and the ship went down. He was swept onto the shore of an island. No people, no supplies, nothing.

He explored but found nothing other that some bananas and coconuts. He was desperate and forlorn, but what could he do? For the next four months ate bananas, drank coconut juice and looked for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, he spotted a rowboat coming from what looked like the other side of the island. In it was a gorgeous woman: She was tawny and tanned, and her hair flowing in the breeze gave her an ethereal quality. When she reached him, he asked excitedly, "where did you come from?How did you get here?"She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. My cruise ship sank four months ago." "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You are really lucky that a rowboat washed up with you."

There is no one else--only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up. I built it out of raw material I found on the island. The oars I whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from an eucalyptus."

"But--but," asked the man, "What did you use for tools?"

"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "On the south side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable iron. But enough of that," she said. Where do you live?"

The man confessed he had been sleeping on the beach. "Let's row over to my place," she said. So they got into the rowboat and left for her side of the island. The woman tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk to an exquisite bungalow. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Would you like a drink?" "No," he answered, "One more coconut juice and I will puke." "I have a still," said the woman, "How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch. After a while, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all my life."

"Well, if you would like to shave, there is a razor in the cabinet in the upstairs bathroom."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went to the bathroom. In the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to an edge were fastened to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back downstairs.

"You look great," she said. "I think I will slip into something more comfortable."After a short time, she returned wearing strategically positioned fig leaves and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me," she asked, "We have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you miss? Something that all men and women crave? Something that would be really nice to have right now?"

"Yes there is," the man replied, and moved closer to her. "Tell me...... Do you have an internet connection?"

Last edited by BuzzBob; 07-31-2004 at 04:25 PM..
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Old 07-31-2004, 04:23 PM #30
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Unhappy

Jeez! Looks like I killed the thread with that last one... Sorry guys!
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