Papusadrianus
Member
Condolences to you and yours friend- sad business
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RIP dkmonk
- Thread starter tetragrammaton
- Start date
very sorry to hear, remember him well
Condolences to all concerned
Condolences to all concerned
I know it's been over a year later, but again, I am thankful for all the condolences. I ended up not making the best decisions regarding his death, I started to drink heavily, not hard alcohol, but excessive amounts of beer, just getting numb and wasted 24/7. I have finally decided to get help, and go back to the herb. I miss him more than words can describe... We were drawn to each other and became best friends when we were just 8, and remained friends until the end. He always told me we were "soul brothers", and had been friends in a past life, and would be friends in a future life. I decided to sign up for therapy, cut way back on my drinking, with the plans to eventually never drink again.
I had a talk with dkmonks mom (his real name was Kyle), and I basically asked her "I realize I have a problem I'm wondering what you think Kyle would think about getting help. Would he support me or would he just laugh it off and tell me to keep on getting fucked up?"
And she told me "You know the answer, because you knew Kyle. He always had great advice for everyone, but couldn't take his own advice. He would be proud". and reading that made me break down, and I realized I never properly grieved, I just got super fucked up to try to handle it and be numb, but the party is over. I gotta get my shit together and grow another great crop that would make him proud.
Once again, thank you everyone for the condolences. He was the best friend anyone could ask for. My fondest memories consist of his amazing spirit. When I'd pick him up from his work, he'd always get me a drink and a chicken quesadilla (he was a waiter at this amazing mexican restaurant).
I remember how excited he was when he got some seeds in the mail, and would let me pick and choose which ones I wanted for indoor purposes, and then we'd decide which ones to grow outdoors. All the times in the middle of the night going through sticker bushes and woods, just to get to our spot. Fuck, I miss him, but like his mom told me, I guess he'd want me to get help. I just feel sort of guilty that he was unable or unwilling to get help. I miss him more than words can describe, because he was more than a friend, he was like a twin brother. Obviously not identical or anything like that, we didn't share the same blood, but it was more than that.
I have no idea what the afterlife consists of, or if there even is an afterlife, but if there is, I really do think his mom was right, and that he'd want me to be well.
I had a talk with dkmonks mom (his real name was Kyle), and I basically asked her "I realize I have a problem I'm wondering what you think Kyle would think about getting help. Would he support me or would he just laugh it off and tell me to keep on getting fucked up?"
And she told me "You know the answer, because you knew Kyle. He always had great advice for everyone, but couldn't take his own advice. He would be proud". and reading that made me break down, and I realized I never properly grieved, I just got super fucked up to try to handle it and be numb, but the party is over. I gotta get my shit together and grow another great crop that would make him proud.
Once again, thank you everyone for the condolences. He was the best friend anyone could ask for. My fondest memories consist of his amazing spirit. When I'd pick him up from his work, he'd always get me a drink and a chicken quesadilla (he was a waiter at this amazing mexican restaurant).
I remember how excited he was when he got some seeds in the mail, and would let me pick and choose which ones I wanted for indoor purposes, and then we'd decide which ones to grow outdoors. All the times in the middle of the night going through sticker bushes and woods, just to get to our spot. Fuck, I miss him, but like his mom told me, I guess he'd want me to get help. I just feel sort of guilty that he was unable or unwilling to get help. I miss him more than words can describe, because he was more than a friend, he was like a twin brother. Obviously not identical or anything like that, we didn't share the same blood, but it was more than that.
I have no idea what the afterlife consists of, or if there even is an afterlife, but if there is, I really do think his mom was right, and that he'd want me to be well.
BakedBandit
Member
He certainly wants you to be well, and so do we. You were a good friend and you deserve to be happy and healthy.
how he effects your every living breath is his afterlife, his karma. how you let that manifest is on you.
I think he suffered enough tragedy for the both of you, as hard as it is, letting him influence you in the good ways he did when he was alive still is important for both of you.
It hurts because it was a genuine friendship which takes two special people. Your still special, don't let go of that.
Looking back, I ended up on IC because I lost my best friend and close grow buddy just after I moved out to Spain.
He knew so much, and what he didn't know, he studied and soon knew, for me he gave me the confidence to work out the answers myself. He will always be with me in the sense that his influence and words gave me such a lot of what I have now.
He knew so much, and what he didn't know, he studied and soon knew, for me he gave me the confidence to work out the answers myself. He will always be with me in the sense that his influence and words gave me such a lot of what I have now.
Thank you again, everyone for your kind words. Weird, what you said, really makes sense. Thank you for that. And to ChaosCatalunya, it was a similar situation. I moved to Chile, and get the news that this happened. I remember waking up one day, and getting a message request on facebook from the mother of his child, someone I used to also date in the past, and I remember thinking "omg, what does she want", and I opened the message and before I read the whole message, I knew what happened. She started it out by saying something along the lines of "You were the only person Kyle considered a friend so I thought he would want you to know", and then she went on to the details. I had to go into work that day.
I cried a lot in my own personal time during the weeks and months following, but I realized I never really dealt with it. And it's still hard for me... I've lost plenty of people in my time on this planet, but losing him was the worst. I remember 3rd grade, we used to always show up to school wearing the latest Jncos, and getting Dr. Martens, and dying our hair, just stupid fun shit. Skating. One of my fondest memories is circa 2008-2009, when we went to a mutual friends house, and used their roomates skateboard seeing if we could still do kickflips and ollies and what not, lol. Kyle fucking ended up breaking the board in half, and the roomate was beyond pissed.
I remember one time that we both decided to get drunk, and I got suicidal or whatever, and was going to at least cut myself, and he fucking tackled me to the ground, and was like "no". I hated him at the time, but in retrospect he truly cared. I also remember the time when I had a cancer scare, and was in the hospital for a while, and I remember him on the phone telling me that if anything happened to me, he wouldn't know what to do, or how to go on without me. And now it's me that has to go on without him. To say it's been rough would be an understatement, but it is what it is... He wouldn't want me to be sad, but I think he would understand. I'll get through this, not just for me, or him, but for the whole cannabis community. I know other people have gone through worse, so I'm not looking for sympathy by any means, just kind of... I guess venting would be the word.
Again, thank you to everyone for your condolences and thoughts. I know he would be flattered. He was a hard person to get to know, but once he trusted you, he would tell you everything. He was an amazing friend. Yes, I have other friends, but no one can replace him. He was truly, as he called it, my "soul brother".
I cried a lot in my own personal time during the weeks and months following, but I realized I never really dealt with it. And it's still hard for me... I've lost plenty of people in my time on this planet, but losing him was the worst. I remember 3rd grade, we used to always show up to school wearing the latest Jncos, and getting Dr. Martens, and dying our hair, just stupid fun shit. Skating. One of my fondest memories is circa 2008-2009, when we went to a mutual friends house, and used their roomates skateboard seeing if we could still do kickflips and ollies and what not, lol. Kyle fucking ended up breaking the board in half, and the roomate was beyond pissed.
I remember one time that we both decided to get drunk, and I got suicidal or whatever, and was going to at least cut myself, and he fucking tackled me to the ground, and was like "no". I hated him at the time, but in retrospect he truly cared. I also remember the time when I had a cancer scare, and was in the hospital for a while, and I remember him on the phone telling me that if anything happened to me, he wouldn't know what to do, or how to go on without me. And now it's me that has to go on without him. To say it's been rough would be an understatement, but it is what it is... He wouldn't want me to be sad, but I think he would understand. I'll get through this, not just for me, or him, but for the whole cannabis community. I know other people have gone through worse, so I'm not looking for sympathy by any means, just kind of... I guess venting would be the word.
Again, thank you to everyone for your condolences and thoughts. I know he would be flattered. He was a hard person to get to know, but once he trusted you, he would tell you everything. He was an amazing friend. Yes, I have other friends, but no one can replace him. He was truly, as he called it, my "soul brother".
It has been brought to my attention in one of my threads titled ("How Have you Broken Up With Your "Weedman"?") that a troll came and quoted a lot of material from this thread to claim that I am dkmonk and that I invented this story. This has not only reopened the immense emotional pain of not having my best friend alive, but pissed me off to no other.
dkmonk might have been just a screen name. In fact, to this day I have no idea what it means, I believe I asked him at one point and he said it was one of his old gamer tags. His real name (as he would want known, and with permission from his family) was Kyle Todd Hyten.
Thank you for those who have expressed condolences, as the troll who came in and made multiple posts on him and myself that were fulled with hatred and negativity really turned my positive day into a negative day.
Hopefully this will clear things up for any future trolls or haters. Everything I do in life is done in his memory. So thank you once again to everyone for their kind words over the past 3 years, going on 4, and a sincere FUCK YOU to the said troll who attempted to claim I was inventing this story and that I am dkmonk.
dkmonk might have been just a screen name. In fact, to this day I have no idea what it means, I believe I asked him at one point and he said it was one of his old gamer tags. His real name (as he would want known, and with permission from his family) was Kyle Todd Hyten.
Thank you for those who have expressed condolences, as the troll who came in and made multiple posts on him and myself that were fulled with hatred and negativity really turned my positive day into a negative day.
Hopefully this will clear things up for any future trolls or haters. Everything I do in life is done in his memory. So thank you once again to everyone for their kind words over the past 3 years, going on 4, and a sincere FUCK YOU to the said troll who attempted to claim I was inventing this story and that I am dkmonk.
I agree, I'm over it, and won't be responding to any future posts from that troll. I have been informed by Gypsy that he is a resident troll and always comes back.
I disagree with you saying he knows my temperment, because prior to that post you quoted, I was completely fine.
I am not the only one he was trolling that day. But had you read the things he was saying about dkmonk and myself on this thread, and in others, I feel like you'd understand much better why I reacted in such a manner. The clown doesn't know me or dkmonk, and was saying horrible things that no one should say especially regarding the dead. dkmonk isn't here to defend himself, and as I stated and as can be searched through reading through his posts and my posts on this account or my old one, we were best friends, since we first met. He claimed we met the summer after 2nd grade, and were on the same baseball team. I don't remember that, but I remember him becoming my best friend the first day of 3rd grade.
It was not a pleasant experience at all waking up to the following message.
With all of that said, while anything regarding him is an extremely sensitive subject, I have decided to live the dreams that we both shared. The last thing I told him was "I am living our dream, the only thing missing is you."
Tetra
Tetra, this is another example of the pain left behind when a person decides to take their own life. They are in very real pain, but what they leave behind is real and permanent. This is why I take it very seriously when someone is of the mindset to end their own life. I also lost a close friend to his grief.
Well it has now been 4 years since dkmonk ended up killing himself, but as someone told me "that which is remembered never dies" and I find it to be true in this case, considering he is usually in my dreams, and our thought process was always the same. I did many things in celebration of his life today such as listening to our favorite songs, staring at plants, both cannabis and non cannabis as we loved all plants, smoking a variety of strains, but most of all, I had a VERY stress free day to say the least thanks to what must be some incredible almost magical coincidence or dkmonk somehow manipulating the universe to ensure that my day was more than pleasant and stress free.
One of the last conversations we had, he told me we were friends before this life, and will be friends again in another, so it wouldn't surprise me if his energy or what not decided to reward me for my trials and tribulations and all that I've overcame the past few years, and all of my success that I've achieved and continue achieving by dedicating my life to living life for him, and living our dream. I'm sure there will come a time when I decide that I'm sick of living this world and will finally be free from this world and experience whatever if anything there is out there, but for now I'm content with my life and I KNOW for a fact that dkmonk would be beyond proud of me.
Not only was he my best friend since we were in 3rd grade, (he claims we became friends the summer before that and were on the same baseball team, but I don't recall that for some reason, but I trust his memory because we were both on the Pirates, except I simply don't remember him. But I hated baseball and would just spend my time waiting for it to be over, and just picking the grass and throwing it in the air. But I am getting off track. Not only was he my best friend, but when the time inevitably came, and he pretty much knew for the whole time, because of the obvious signs at the time, that I was growing, he crouched down and stared at the 1 plant that turned out to be a male with amazement for hours. I then taught him everything I knew, and introduced him to ICMAG, and he had the same passion as I did, spending hours, days, weeks, months, etc... on ICMAG, and reading High Times, the Cannabible, all of Jorge Cervante's books, all of Ed Rosethal's books, Cannabis Culture magazine when it was still a thing, all the videos on YouTube. Smoking some of his first harvest was like what I must imagine it is like watching your kids take their first steps or whatever. It was amazing, harvested at the right time, dried properly, and even with just a slight cure, it was potent and delicious. I was proud of him.
In one of our conversations shortly before his death I was showing him some pictures of my plants throughout the flowering stage, up until harvest, and it was a compliment and reality, because he told me my picture looks like a High Times centerfold, which to be fair, it did. He said he wish there was smell o vision so he could smell it. After it was dried, he asked me to do a smoke report for him which I did.
I told him he needed to just get down here. I told him I'm living our dream, that the only thing missing was him, and he had a plan to steal this girl he was fucking husband's money and move to a border town in Texas so he could make money by exporting weed to Indiana, and then he'd have the money to come here, but obviously that didn't happen because he's dead.
His suicide, while inevitable, kind of like mine but hopefully not for many years, in fact we had what I guess you could call a pact, that when life simply became too much to bear, we'd simply inject an insane amount of heroin and cocaine into our veins and at least feel the most intense pleasure imaginable before being done with this world. See, he was like me, we'd get depressed and suicidal alot when we didn't have money, cannabis and/or preferably opiates but we'd also settle for anything else, but then things usually got rectified and then he'd be happy again. But no. He didn't plan to kill himself on the day he did.
To recap if anyone is just now hearing about this, it wasn't our beloved opiates that lead to his demise, he decided to recover from his opiate addiction and his cocaine addiction, but start a meth addiction via the silk road. I had moved by this point so he'd tell me about it all over the phone, about how easy it was and how great the quality was.
I wouldn't call him a meth addict by any means, but he would go on binges on a pretty regular basis and at times get himself in trouble with the law, which was his biggest fear, as can be seen in his posts here, in his thread "Moving to California". When he didn't have money he would set up elaborate schemes with great success, until he got caught and went to prison for a little less than a year.
Well, as I mentioned, he was fucking this girl, and they had plans to steal her husbands money and move to Texas, and they were on meth binges, and at the time he decided he would live in an abandoned barn. That was his idea of a vacation. He had a great home, and many great places to stay, but his idea of fun was different than most, so he decided he'd just live in an abandoned barn for a while.
On February 20th, 2016, he decided he didn't want to live in that barn any longer and decided to return home. He didn't have his car for some reason, but that was no issue for dkmonk. He simply went to a gas station, waited for someone to enter the gas station with their car still on, and drove away with the car. In the car there was a gun (the one he killed himself with), and an ounce of dried shrooms.
He picked up the girl he was fucking, and drove to his mom's house, and asked if she could live there, and she agreed, so they had jello shots and drank some and had a great night. The mother of his child had planned on purchasing the shrooms off of him, but backed out. That inconvenienced him. He also had plans to sell the gun that night too, but the girl that was interested in the gun said he was charging too much for it, and backed out as well. So clearly his suicide was not initially planned, because he was planning on selling the items that led to his suicide, but his plans got ruined, which is something he didn't like happening.
He got pretty pissed off but then said fuck it, and that he'd just trip balls, and ate the entire ounce of shrooms. The girl he was with was like "wtf? that's a lot", but when he said he was going to do something, he'd do it, and said something along the lines of "I've eaten more in the past, you just trip balls for days", so she couldn't really stop him.
According to that girl, he got happy and was having a good come up, and planned on stealing his mom's keys to go on a drive but she talked him out of it, and they decided to go inside and watch a movie and later listen to music. That's what they did, until he began to see "the devil", and the devil was telling him that if he kills her and himself, he will be able to rule the universe. She got pretty freaked out, but was able to calm him down for a bit and talk him out of it. He ended up pissing himself and got really confused and asked her if you can OD off of shrooms (something he normally would know the answer to), and she was like "how would I know? you said you've done this before!" but eventually they turned off the music, and that's when he like "woke up", and the vision of the devil became clear and I wasn't there, but according to her, he was serious about killing her so they could rule the universe, so she got scared and went upstairs to get his mom. His mom and stepdad got up, and his stepdad assumed if he had a gun, it must have been one of his that he stole (because dkmonk had a history of stealing his stepdads guns), but none were missing, so both his stepdad and mom concluded he didn't have a gun, and his mom went downstairs to say "You don't have a gun, why are you scaring her?" and he said "yes I fucking do", and then pulled the trigger.
That is how his last night went according to his mom who I'm in contact with on a daily basis, and that girl he was fucking, who ended up quickly finding someone new, stealing her husbands money, and having a bunch of kids, but to be fair she's still really hot.
So, in the end, having to live in Indiana, a place he hated because of their draconian cannabis laws, and his desire to stay free of opiates, unfortunately led him to methamphetamine which led him to make poor choices in life, but he was a good person who only wanted to live in peace.
I don't condone stealing cars or robbing people, but I guess that's what meth will do. We never had that issue when we were going through our heroin and opiate addiction. He didn't really need money, he simply targeted people who he didn't like and fucked them over hard and would do things like set up tents and shoot up meth and have binoculors and shit and write down the schedule of when people would be gone from their houses and stuff and then get all of the valuables and get rid of them. He never harmed anyone that didn't harm him in some way first.
I can only wonder what would have happened had he not killed himself that night. Had he sold the shrooms and the gun, would he have been caught and incarcerated again? And the stolen car, if it had GPS, he would have been fucked unless he got rid of it the next day or something as he had done before. Would he have made it to Texas to start exporting weed to Indiana? If so, would he have been caught? Would he have finally gotten his shit together and came to live here? I don't have the answers, and speculating does nothing for me. I am just glad that I got to share 19 years of having him as my best friend and for continuing to inspire me and live life for him, and keep my promise to tell his son all of the stories about him once he's old enough. He knew he was going to kill himself someday, because he had me promise to tell his son everything, the truth. That will be strange when that day comes because he looks exactly like him.
Anyway, I guess the obvious lesson to be learned from this is don't get involved with meth, crime, and don't eat an ounce of shrooms when you're having a bad day, with a gun around.
I still miss him everyday, and wish he would have came with me when I moved, so he never had to get involved with meth, but there's nothing I can do about that, it was his free will. I could hold hatred in my heart and/or place the blame on the mother of his child for not buying the shrooms, or the girl who decided not to buy the gun, or I could put the blame on him for it all, or I could blame the state of Indiana, or I could blame a variety of things, but the reality is the reality, and what happened happened and no one can change it.
A few months before his suicide, he was telling me of his desire to do heroin one last time, IE overdose, and I was able to talk him out of it, and he agreed that tomorrow he would feel better, he was just irritated, but I remember telling him something along the lines of, if not verbatim, "I honestly don't think I could survive this world without you, as you're the only one who knows me." and he said "You'd be fine". I sometimes feel he was wrong about that, but then on days like today, I sometimes feel that maybe he was right. I am fine. I am living the peaceful life he always wanted to live, in the location he always wanted to live, smoking nothing but the finest. No opiates, no meth. I don't even drink anymore. So am I fine? Well, on days like today, like I said, I feel he came through so to speak, as I am experiencing no stress or unease whatsoever. I am able to be at "peace" with the fact that he is no longer alive on this planet. I can accept the fact that I can't message him and get a reply, or can't call him and have him answer. I can accept the fact that he's missed out on so much in just 4 years, at least in terms of the world, scientific and technological advancements, etc... he was extremely intelligent and curious. He also found pop culture fascinating and he sure missed out on a lot.
If what he says is true, then we will meet again one day and be friends, but for now I am just so thankful that I got the honor of being the only person he considered a friend, and also just thankful overall for all of the good memories I have, that will remain with me until I die, and hopefully that won't be for a long time because I am for once enjoying life, and it's honestly all in his memory, because i had plans to commit suicide last year, but then I had an epiphany and decided to dedicate my life to living life since he no longer has that option, so I dedicated my life to positivity, happiness, and things that bring me enjoyment and try my best to avoid negativity, things I dislike, and, like dkmonk, just keep to myself because while I do have "friends", no one was ever a friend like dkmonk so the same as he considered me, I can say the same, he was the only person that I truly considered a friend.
Now, I don't really care much about making new friends, because no one can have those memories or relate. We both went through the same trauma in childhood and we both related to each other in a way neither of us could with anyone else. Contrary to what the girl in his profile picture would claim, we were not gay, and didn't do anything sexual by any means, but apart from that, we did pretty much everything together and he would park his car in my garage to escape from her. Extremely dangerous and risky things, that we'd do for fun and for adventures. We truly lived life to the fullest and experienced things that we would wish on no one, and saw things that no one should see, and have had people try to murder us, as well as countless overdoses we had, or had to experience.
If any of you who remember him and had conversations with him or whatever would like to do something in celebration of his life, even though it was a troubled life, I suggest just smoking a really good haze as those were some of his favorites, or anything of high quality, in his memory, or if you endulge in anything else, I'm sure he'd appreciate that in his memory as well, as mind altering substances were one of the very few things he found pleasure and reason to live for in this world.
Some of his favorite music was Alice in Chains, Slightly Stoopid, Sublime, Mad Season, Kottonmouth Kings, Third Eye Blind, Gucci Mane, Young Jeezy, Bob Marley, The Doors, Pink Floyd, The Mars Volta, and the late 2015-early 2016 era Justin Bieber.
Peace and Love,
Tetra
One of the last conversations we had, he told me we were friends before this life, and will be friends again in another, so it wouldn't surprise me if his energy or what not decided to reward me for my trials and tribulations and all that I've overcame the past few years, and all of my success that I've achieved and continue achieving by dedicating my life to living life for him, and living our dream. I'm sure there will come a time when I decide that I'm sick of living this world and will finally be free from this world and experience whatever if anything there is out there, but for now I'm content with my life and I KNOW for a fact that dkmonk would be beyond proud of me.
Not only was he my best friend since we were in 3rd grade, (he claims we became friends the summer before that and were on the same baseball team, but I don't recall that for some reason, but I trust his memory because we were both on the Pirates, except I simply don't remember him. But I hated baseball and would just spend my time waiting for it to be over, and just picking the grass and throwing it in the air. But I am getting off track. Not only was he my best friend, but when the time inevitably came, and he pretty much knew for the whole time, because of the obvious signs at the time, that I was growing, he crouched down and stared at the 1 plant that turned out to be a male with amazement for hours. I then taught him everything I knew, and introduced him to ICMAG, and he had the same passion as I did, spending hours, days, weeks, months, etc... on ICMAG, and reading High Times, the Cannabible, all of Jorge Cervante's books, all of Ed Rosethal's books, Cannabis Culture magazine when it was still a thing, all the videos on YouTube. Smoking some of his first harvest was like what I must imagine it is like watching your kids take their first steps or whatever. It was amazing, harvested at the right time, dried properly, and even with just a slight cure, it was potent and delicious. I was proud of him.
In one of our conversations shortly before his death I was showing him some pictures of my plants throughout the flowering stage, up until harvest, and it was a compliment and reality, because he told me my picture looks like a High Times centerfold, which to be fair, it did. He said he wish there was smell o vision so he could smell it. After it was dried, he asked me to do a smoke report for him which I did.
I told him he needed to just get down here. I told him I'm living our dream, that the only thing missing was him, and he had a plan to steal this girl he was fucking husband's money and move to a border town in Texas so he could make money by exporting weed to Indiana, and then he'd have the money to come here, but obviously that didn't happen because he's dead.
His suicide, while inevitable, kind of like mine but hopefully not for many years, in fact we had what I guess you could call a pact, that when life simply became too much to bear, we'd simply inject an insane amount of heroin and cocaine into our veins and at least feel the most intense pleasure imaginable before being done with this world. See, he was like me, we'd get depressed and suicidal alot when we didn't have money, cannabis and/or preferably opiates but we'd also settle for anything else, but then things usually got rectified and then he'd be happy again. But no. He didn't plan to kill himself on the day he did.
To recap if anyone is just now hearing about this, it wasn't our beloved opiates that lead to his demise, he decided to recover from his opiate addiction and his cocaine addiction, but start a meth addiction via the silk road. I had moved by this point so he'd tell me about it all over the phone, about how easy it was and how great the quality was.
I wouldn't call him a meth addict by any means, but he would go on binges on a pretty regular basis and at times get himself in trouble with the law, which was his biggest fear, as can be seen in his posts here, in his thread "Moving to California". When he didn't have money he would set up elaborate schemes with great success, until he got caught and went to prison for a little less than a year.
Well, as I mentioned, he was fucking this girl, and they had plans to steal her husbands money and move to Texas, and they were on meth binges, and at the time he decided he would live in an abandoned barn. That was his idea of a vacation. He had a great home, and many great places to stay, but his idea of fun was different than most, so he decided he'd just live in an abandoned barn for a while.
On February 20th, 2016, he decided he didn't want to live in that barn any longer and decided to return home. He didn't have his car for some reason, but that was no issue for dkmonk. He simply went to a gas station, waited for someone to enter the gas station with their car still on, and drove away with the car. In the car there was a gun (the one he killed himself with), and an ounce of dried shrooms.
He picked up the girl he was fucking, and drove to his mom's house, and asked if she could live there, and she agreed, so they had jello shots and drank some and had a great night. The mother of his child had planned on purchasing the shrooms off of him, but backed out. That inconvenienced him. He also had plans to sell the gun that night too, but the girl that was interested in the gun said he was charging too much for it, and backed out as well. So clearly his suicide was not initially planned, because he was planning on selling the items that led to his suicide, but his plans got ruined, which is something he didn't like happening.
He got pretty pissed off but then said fuck it, and that he'd just trip balls, and ate the entire ounce of shrooms. The girl he was with was like "wtf? that's a lot", but when he said he was going to do something, he'd do it, and said something along the lines of "I've eaten more in the past, you just trip balls for days", so she couldn't really stop him.
According to that girl, he got happy and was having a good come up, and planned on stealing his mom's keys to go on a drive but she talked him out of it, and they decided to go inside and watch a movie and later listen to music. That's what they did, until he began to see "the devil", and the devil was telling him that if he kills her and himself, he will be able to rule the universe. She got pretty freaked out, but was able to calm him down for a bit and talk him out of it. He ended up pissing himself and got really confused and asked her if you can OD off of shrooms (something he normally would know the answer to), and she was like "how would I know? you said you've done this before!" but eventually they turned off the music, and that's when he like "woke up", and the vision of the devil became clear and I wasn't there, but according to her, he was serious about killing her so they could rule the universe, so she got scared and went upstairs to get his mom. His mom and stepdad got up, and his stepdad assumed if he had a gun, it must have been one of his that he stole (because dkmonk had a history of stealing his stepdads guns), but none were missing, so both his stepdad and mom concluded he didn't have a gun, and his mom went downstairs to say "You don't have a gun, why are you scaring her?" and he said "yes I fucking do", and then pulled the trigger.
That is how his last night went according to his mom who I'm in contact with on a daily basis, and that girl he was fucking, who ended up quickly finding someone new, stealing her husbands money, and having a bunch of kids, but to be fair she's still really hot.
So, in the end, having to live in Indiana, a place he hated because of their draconian cannabis laws, and his desire to stay free of opiates, unfortunately led him to methamphetamine which led him to make poor choices in life, but he was a good person who only wanted to live in peace.
I don't condone stealing cars or robbing people, but I guess that's what meth will do. We never had that issue when we were going through our heroin and opiate addiction. He didn't really need money, he simply targeted people who he didn't like and fucked them over hard and would do things like set up tents and shoot up meth and have binoculors and shit and write down the schedule of when people would be gone from their houses and stuff and then get all of the valuables and get rid of them. He never harmed anyone that didn't harm him in some way first.
I can only wonder what would have happened had he not killed himself that night. Had he sold the shrooms and the gun, would he have been caught and incarcerated again? And the stolen car, if it had GPS, he would have been fucked unless he got rid of it the next day or something as he had done before. Would he have made it to Texas to start exporting weed to Indiana? If so, would he have been caught? Would he have finally gotten his shit together and came to live here? I don't have the answers, and speculating does nothing for me. I am just glad that I got to share 19 years of having him as my best friend and for continuing to inspire me and live life for him, and keep my promise to tell his son all of the stories about him once he's old enough. He knew he was going to kill himself someday, because he had me promise to tell his son everything, the truth. That will be strange when that day comes because he looks exactly like him.
Anyway, I guess the obvious lesson to be learned from this is don't get involved with meth, crime, and don't eat an ounce of shrooms when you're having a bad day, with a gun around.
I still miss him everyday, and wish he would have came with me when I moved, so he never had to get involved with meth, but there's nothing I can do about that, it was his free will. I could hold hatred in my heart and/or place the blame on the mother of his child for not buying the shrooms, or the girl who decided not to buy the gun, or I could put the blame on him for it all, or I could blame the state of Indiana, or I could blame a variety of things, but the reality is the reality, and what happened happened and no one can change it.
A few months before his suicide, he was telling me of his desire to do heroin one last time, IE overdose, and I was able to talk him out of it, and he agreed that tomorrow he would feel better, he was just irritated, but I remember telling him something along the lines of, if not verbatim, "I honestly don't think I could survive this world without you, as you're the only one who knows me." and he said "You'd be fine". I sometimes feel he was wrong about that, but then on days like today, I sometimes feel that maybe he was right. I am fine. I am living the peaceful life he always wanted to live, in the location he always wanted to live, smoking nothing but the finest. No opiates, no meth. I don't even drink anymore. So am I fine? Well, on days like today, like I said, I feel he came through so to speak, as I am experiencing no stress or unease whatsoever. I am able to be at "peace" with the fact that he is no longer alive on this planet. I can accept the fact that I can't message him and get a reply, or can't call him and have him answer. I can accept the fact that he's missed out on so much in just 4 years, at least in terms of the world, scientific and technological advancements, etc... he was extremely intelligent and curious. He also found pop culture fascinating and he sure missed out on a lot.
If what he says is true, then we will meet again one day and be friends, but for now I am just so thankful that I got the honor of being the only person he considered a friend, and also just thankful overall for all of the good memories I have, that will remain with me until I die, and hopefully that won't be for a long time because I am for once enjoying life, and it's honestly all in his memory, because i had plans to commit suicide last year, but then I had an epiphany and decided to dedicate my life to living life since he no longer has that option, so I dedicated my life to positivity, happiness, and things that bring me enjoyment and try my best to avoid negativity, things I dislike, and, like dkmonk, just keep to myself because while I do have "friends", no one was ever a friend like dkmonk so the same as he considered me, I can say the same, he was the only person that I truly considered a friend.
Now, I don't really care much about making new friends, because no one can have those memories or relate. We both went through the same trauma in childhood and we both related to each other in a way neither of us could with anyone else. Contrary to what the girl in his profile picture would claim, we were not gay, and didn't do anything sexual by any means, but apart from that, we did pretty much everything together and he would park his car in my garage to escape from her. Extremely dangerous and risky things, that we'd do for fun and for adventures. We truly lived life to the fullest and experienced things that we would wish on no one, and saw things that no one should see, and have had people try to murder us, as well as countless overdoses we had, or had to experience.
If any of you who remember him and had conversations with him or whatever would like to do something in celebration of his life, even though it was a troubled life, I suggest just smoking a really good haze as those were some of his favorites, or anything of high quality, in his memory, or if you endulge in anything else, I'm sure he'd appreciate that in his memory as well, as mind altering substances were one of the very few things he found pleasure and reason to live for in this world.
Some of his favorite music was Alice in Chains, Slightly Stoopid, Sublime, Mad Season, Kottonmouth Kings, Third Eye Blind, Gucci Mane, Young Jeezy, Bob Marley, The Doors, Pink Floyd, The Mars Volta, and the late 2015-early 2016 era Justin Bieber.
Peace and Love,
Tetra
Wow sorry to hear that tetra it sounds like you are working through it. It can be difficult to unravel what is connected in reality what depends on what and what if uncertainties we have. Like is my biological father scum on the bottom of a shoe who may end up floating in a river, or are alcohol and meth to blame? It could well be both, in this particular case we might go with takes two to tango so to speak. Every person who has a drink, ever, is not evil, but someone who lives to drink ain't got much going for themself. This person you speak of, it sounds like you had a long relationship filled with ups and down, a lot to process go over reminisce think about. They weren't your friend, not with all of that stuff going on. You don't want to be torn down or sucked into someone else's misery, madness even. It is true, it can even be 'contagious' only if you allow it to. Similar finding new people to improve life, grow past the suicidal depression stuff. Happiness doesn't come in a pill or bottle but we sure as hell try to make it that way. All kinds of people chugging red bulls and prozacs or ritalins adderalls xanax, it really is a crazy town looney tunes where the shrinks have weapons and everyone's violent. Instead of not allowing binge drinking, not allowing meth houses, not allowing racially motivated hate crimes, not advertising hate speech, the list goes on and on. What is means is yes absolutely lives have been lost as a direct result of keeping cannabis prohibited, yes for sure opiate manufacturers legal and illegal of fentanyl heroin and cough syrup legal or illegal are all connected 100% the exact same thing with an attached political agenda to continue destroying and letting people die in the name of money. A political race to the bottom with human loss all around. The inverse, of being depressed, is we are discussing it. So it does not continue to happen.
With all due respect, I appreciate your condolences, but he was my friend, and while we did have a long friendship, there were no "downs" unless we were unsuccessful in obtaining opiates, but we'd resolve the problem the next day and things would be fine. I don't really blame the meth because he wasn't on meth when he commit suicide, and like I said, it wasn't his drug of choice, it was just something he'd do for fun after he recovered from his opiate addiction. As far as his cocaine addiction, he just personally liked meth better.
He would usually speedball meth and heroin together, when I was with him. I never did any speedballs, no reason to lie, I'm transparent. I'd shoot up heroin, but never mix it with coke or meth. Actually, that's a lie. I've never shot up heroin, dkmonk would always do it for me. I've smoked meth once with dkmonk, it was both our first time. He wasn't really a fan of opiates until heroin. I was though. When he got his wisdom teeth removed and they gave him a bottle of 7.5mg hydrocodone, he gifted them to me, and I finished them in a day or two. We discovered heroin together, and that was after we both quit opiates. We used to just snort it. We were in the back seat of the car going up to Indianapolis to get heroin with I guess you could call "professional junkies", and I asked if they had a straw, or a dollar bill or something, so we could snort ours, and the driver responded "We get high a different way", and we stopped at CVS and the driver went in and got syringes. dkmonk and I looked at each other, and neither one of us really cared about life, we just wanted to find some sort of pleasure in life, so unspoken we were like "you only live once" before "yolo" was even a thing, and we both got shot up for our first time. It was amazing.
We were two suburban kids in a small racist hillbilly town with nothing to do. We both were abused physically and sexually and both had fucked up home lives, but we both came from very well off families. Like they say "more money more problems".
He got some hate here for a post on his worst 420 ever, when the girl in his profile pic ODd, and I'd like to clear that up a bit. She was not a victim. She was a drug addict as were we. After she got released from the hospital, she told us about how she overheard two of the nurses talking amongst themselves about the level of cocaine in her blood, and how they wish they knew where to get some, let alone that much.
I'm assuming he kept the story here somewhat censored, but contrary to his story which made him look worse by telling the doctors he didn't know what she took, he never went to the hospital. And it was more than a half ounce as well.
As soon as she started having her seizure, he got his coke, and came straight to my house, dumped it all on my desk, and we spent a few days doing it all, and then he had to go into hiding because he was selling coke for the Mexicans and that coke was fronted to him. We got so coked out, we'd call over friends and be like "hey man, you wanna do a line?" and obviously they'd show up ASAP, and they'd come in, immediately when you entered my room you saw the desk, so their eyes would get all big, and we'd just hand them a straw and say go at it. We did so much we couldn't do anymore.
Anyway, as I said, obviously after that he had to go into hiding, as he didn't have the thousands of dollars he was supposed to have made them, because we did all the coke and let other people did it, so he decided to go to Indianapolis for a while where he started working for a GD named Fresh, and he began working for fresh, selling mainly high grade cannabis, but ecstacy as well. He had rules though, or at least Fresh had rules for him. He couldn't smoke or do any drugs, except for Saturday, and on Saturday he could party and fresh would get him prostitutes.
As far as the Mexicans, they showed up at his mom's house, and she was scared, but had money, so she asked them how much he owed them, asked them not to hurt him, and wrote them a check. I would imagine that they probably told her he owed more than he did, but either way, she would always cover for him and make sure he was safe to the best of her abilities.
dkmonk was highly intelligent, yet lacked common sense due to his high functioning autism. In fact, I was the only person in the world that he would make eye contact with, something that took years, but once he finally did, he never stopped. It was pretty strange but awesome. He also never once told his family that he loved them, but in our last conversation he told me he loved me no homo.
Another final example of why I disagree with your statement that he wasn't a friend, is the fact that he introduced me to his cousin who was younger than we are, who was going to IU (Indiana University) in Bloomington, Indiana, who was selling really good weed. I'd usually get an oz. a week from his cousin, until one day his cousin sold me something that was strange. The buds looked amazing, rock hard, full of trichs, but it was BLATANTLY sprayed with something, and when smoked it burned my nose and was all chemically in a non-natural way. He exchanged it without problem but I still let dkmonk know about this situation. I wasn't angry with his cousin, I simply told him that he sold me this shit that was sprayed with something, but then exchanged it for something different.
dkmonk decided on his own, without my knowledge to drive down to our town from Indianapolis with Fresh (the GD), pretend that he wanted to buy a pound, meet at a park, and once his COUSIN got in the car, Fresh and dkmonk made his cousin hand over his wallet, his phone, and his backpack which contained the pound, all at gunpoint, and then he showed up at my house as a surprise, and gave me a HP.
I don't think someone who wasn't my friend would do that. Additionally, when his cousin was in tears crying and begging for his life and asking things like "Why are you doing this?" he said "You shouldn't have sold my friend poison weed."
So clearly, he was my friend, I was his friend, and perhaps I have survivors guilt because the original plan was that we'd both live in South America. Had I stayed in that town, I might have ended up back on heroin as well, or in prison, as we were lucky, as we drove around with weight of both cannabis and other substances. I'm glad I got my shit together, and I wish he could have, but I don't know. He hated life, and the only thing he really wanted in life was money, drugs, and women to fuck. That's it.
He never wanted to live past 21, but he did, and I never wanted to live past 25 or 27 but here I am, living life positively, for dkmonk.
The town we were from was hell unless you wanted to stay there your whole life and work at a factory and drink beer non stop and be miserable, or become a professor at the local fancy college.
I am friends with the now Sgt. of the local Police Department, and he always respected me and I always respected him and he never fucked with me at all. Most of the town hated him though because if you were a smartass to him he'd arrest you and make your life miserable. I am a musician though, and the same age as his sons, and we were friends. I also reminded the officer a lot of himself at my age as well. I talk to him on Facebook from time to time and he tells me how much he envies me and wishes he could get out of that town as well, which he says is nothing but glass houses and people knowing everyones business. He hates it too, but is tied down there because of his family.
Sincerely,
Tetra
