The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

A middle aged woman standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says
to her husband. "I look horrible. I'm fat, my boobs and my backside are
getting more saggy by the day, I find a new wrinkle every morning and I
think I'll have to go up yet ANOTHER dress size." Sitting down with her
head in her hands she continues, "I just feel so old and ugly... can you
please at least pay me one compliment" The husband replies....."Well if
it's any consolation, your eyesight's f*cking spot on!!"

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it is permissible.

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, baby, push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have had drunken sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story

erbalator...thats an awesome post ! good f'ing laugh i just had ! :friends:

Can't piss outta it, lmao!

erbalator... that was great thanx for the chuckles

hehe...good stuff!

the mrs. sent me this one, sorry if you've heard it already.

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.




For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!! "


"The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the
gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.



"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL : Women are evil
Don't mess with them !!!!!!!!

After seeing the movie "King Kong", President Bush demanded to be shown the damage to the Empire State Building.

well not a joke but i thought it was funny just the same
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)



The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G. !)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)



A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")



The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)



The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)



Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)



Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

not quite a joke but still a joke

not quite a joke but still a joke

u so ugly ....when u were born ur incubator had tinted windows...

Kcb.. just heard this one ..

barbie

barbie

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up
on Santa's lap.
Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas"?
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe".
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie
comes with Ken."
"No", says the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with
Ken!"

Q: What bird is associated with war and killing?
A: The Hawk

Q: What bird is associated with peace and love?
A: The Dove

Q: What bird represents the deliverance of a new-born baby?
A: The Stork

Q: What bird represents birth control?
A: The Swallow




What is the same about eating pussy and being in the mafia?
One slip and you're in deep shit.

RACEY a lil dirty

RACEY a lil dirty

3 ladies that havent seen each other in awhile are sittin and chattin when
the subject of husbands comes up and to their surprize all 3 married men all name Johnny so to keep them straight on wich johnny was wich the 1 lady sez we will give them nicknames after soda pops so the 1st
lady sez my johnnys name is 7-UP cuz he got 7 inches and its always up
2nd lady sez my johnnys name is MOUNTAIN DEW cuz when he mounts me he know what to do so the 3rd lady sez my johnnys name is JACK DANIELS
and the other 2 say thats not soda pop thats hard liquor and she sez thats
right my johnnys a hard licker

a stoner has died & goes to heaven ...when he reaches heaven , St Peter comes to gates & looks in the book .. ahhh my child you are a special case St .Peter say's to the stoner

you have never bothered anyone , you have never gossiped or even been jealous of anyone in your life ..you have the right to choose between worlds ..Heaven or Hell

hmmm cool man ..the stoner says ..but can i check them both out first before i make my decision ...sure you can..St Peter says to the stoner & he opens the gates

the stoner walks in takes a look around ..he see's ..the flower's , the river's , children running & playing ...hmmm it's pretty cool here

okay lets go down to hell now ..he says to St Peter ..so down they go ...St Peter opens the gates ..the stoner walks in ...takes a look around ..he see's MJ plants as far as his eye can see & an old man sitting rolling 3 paper joints & mountain of joints that reached to the sky

wow holy smokes man ..cool this is where iam staying ..he says to St. Peter ..okay so be it , St. Peter says

the stoner approaches the old man rolling joints & say's to him ..hey pop's how about lighting 1 of those babies up

the old man says to the stoner ..hmmm my brother ..if we had a light we would be in paradise !...

...

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag



What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.



What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.



Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.



What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.



Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.




.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins

"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....

Why is there no Disneyland in China?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

...peace

good ones chuck! LMAO

One For the Blondes

One For the Blondes

> >One For the Blonde
> >
> >Subject: Fw: One for the blonde...
> >
> >A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
> >
> >He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says,
"I've
> >heard that flights will go quicker, if you strike up a conversation with
> >your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
> >
> >The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to
the
> >guy,
> >"What would you like to discuss?"
> >
> >"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
> >
> >"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask
> >you a question first.
> >
> >"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff---grass. Yet the deer
> >excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse
> >produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
> >
> >The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest
idea!"
> >
> >"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
> >discuss
> >nuclear power, when you don't know shit?

1 for the guys

1 for the guys

ya got to look in my gallery last time i posted it it got deleted some how .its the camel toe