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The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

PassTheDoobie

Bodhisattva of the Earth
ICMag Donor
Veteran
A rip off of Chris Rock (as I was told)

A rip off of Chris Rock (as I was told)

So every day I look into the mirror and stare at the face looking back at me. And I say:

"FUCK YOU!

"Fuck your dreams!"

"Fuck your dignity!"

"Fuck your self respect!"

"Fuck all the hopes you ever had for your life!"

And then, as I look at the image of dispair staring back at me.....

"Now get out there and make that bitch happy!"
 
G

Guest

good one i found online

good one i found online

"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes, what do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open everypiece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, Buddy!"
 
G

Guest

Here we go another for today. Sorry Blondes......

A Blonde woman comes home from work and sees her husbands has come home early. She walks in the house and hears commotion upstairs. She goes to investigate and finds him doing the neighbor. Furious she goes into the closet where his gun is kept. She puts it to her temple and threatens to do herself in. The Husband freaks out and tells her...... Don't do it, She means nothing I'm sorry! The Blonde looks at him in Disgust while the gun is pointed to her temple and says. Shutup asshole your Next!

Ah yes thank you, thank you, try the Veal. I'll be here all week tip your waitress.

Funny guys keep em coming.
Blatant
 

BridesNightie

New member
Am Australian woman goes to France for a holiday, she checks into her hotel in Paris and the maid takes her to her room.
The maid shows her around the room expecting to get a good tip; "here we have your bedroom with a beautiful view of the Champs-Elysees, it is beautiful no?, through here is your ensuite bathroom, with the bath and the bidet for your enjoiment..." Here the Australian tourist stops the woman and says "OMG whats that for, washing a baby in?" and the maid replies, "No madame that is for washing the baby out!"

This is an email from someone I know who works as a securiity guard at an apartment complex:

"LOL talk about a laugh, at work last night a guy and his missus came up to me and said that they could see a foot on a bed in an adjacent apartment and that it hadn't moved in 12 hrs. I took a torch up and shone it on the window opposite from their apartment and sure enough there was this bare foot at a funny angle. called the cops, next thing cops, ambos and fireies* arrive. went up and knocked on the door but no response, more cops arrived including a pair of senior sergeants.
the firies were looking forward to busting the door down, when one of the cops went up to the podium level above the unit, climbed onto a brick wall and shone his torch into the place. turned out to be an artificial foot on a shelf next to the window

(*ambulance and fire brigade)

keystone cops! :rolleyes:
 
G

Guest

Damn I knew I left my foot somewhere. Could'nt figure out why I had a limp.

Blatant
 

Satans pal

Member
Here is a blonde one.......Why do blondes whistle when they go to the bathroom?.......So they know which end to wipe...:) SP
 

myrth

Member
all-time always get's a laugh...

all-time always get's a laugh...

...at least in the USA... ;)

Q: How do you make a group of old ladies say, "Fuck!"?

hum dee dum.... give up?

A: Have one of them yell "Bingo!!".

-myrth

PS - send me some seeds for my collection...
 

BuzzBob

aka Buzz'dBob
Veteran
I found it! I found it!!

I found it! I found it!!

Has to be read all the way through to be fully appreciated

An engineer took a cruise to the Caribbean. It was wonderful; the experience of his life. But, alas, a hurricane came up unexpectedly and the ship went down. He was swept onto the shore of an island. No people, no supplies, nothing.

He explored but found nothing other that some bananas and coconuts. He was desperate and forlorn, but what could he do? For the next four months ate bananas, drank coconut juice and looked for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, he spotted a rowboat coming from what looked like the other side of the island. In it was a gorgeous woman: She was tawny and tanned, and her hair flowing in the breeze gave her an ethereal quality. When she reached him, he asked excitedly, "where did you come from?How did you get here?"She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. My cruise ship sank four months ago." "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You are really lucky that a rowboat washed up with you."

There is no one else--only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up. I built it out of raw material I found on the island. The oars I whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from an eucalyptus."

"But--but," asked the man, "What did you use for tools?"

"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "On the south side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable iron. But enough of that," she said. Where do you live?"

The man confessed he had been sleeping on the beach. "Let's row over to my place," she said. So they got into the rowboat and left for her side of the island. The woman tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk to an exquisite bungalow. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Would you like a drink?" "No," he answered, "One more coconut juice and I will puke." "I have a still," said the woman, "How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch. After a while, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all my life."

"Well, if you would like to shave, there is a razor in the cabinet in the upstairs bathroom."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went to the bathroom. In the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to an edge were fastened to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back downstairs.

"You look great," she said. "I think I will slip into something more comfortable."After a short time, she returned wearing strategically positioned fig leaves and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me," she asked, "We have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you miss? Something that all men and women crave? Something that would be really nice to have right now?"

"Yes there is," the man replied, and moved closer to her. "Tell me...... Do you have an internet connection?"
 
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cough_cough_eer

Anita Bonghitt
Veteran
you did'nt kill the thread

you did'nt kill the thread

some of us pot heads just have a short attention span and that was kinda a long joke:D good one though:D :D :D
 

BuzzBob

aka Buzz'dBob
Veteran
Long one I know... :( But an old classic!

I think I first saw that about 7 years ago, and when this thread started I went looking for it.

Figured it'd give the ladies a little retribution! ;)
 

Pacridge

Member
Buzz you can't get credit for killing this tread I was single handedly doing that long beofre your post:D

Sixth grade boy comes home from school and is acting rather strange. His mother can tell something up but isn't quite sure what. After several probing questions he finally tells her he's had sex with his teacher that day. Appauled, she sends him to his room and tells him "you're father's gonna deal with this when he get's home!"

Later that evening when his father arrives and is told the news he goes into the boys room and loudly proclaims "what were you thinking?" and shuts the door. He then proceeds to high five the boy and says "you the man, how was it?" The boy replies "not bad I guess I didn't know what to do?" "All in good time my young stud" the father proclaims "all in good time."

"You know I think I'm gonna buy you that new bike you've been wanting whata think of that?" The father says.

"That would be cool" replies the boy "but after that thing this afternoon with Mr. Webster it maybe a week or so before I can ride it.":eek:
 
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Harry Gypsna

Dirty hippy Bastard
Veteran
QUESTION
What do you call, an Irish, Rastafarian????




Answer
PADLOCK


lolololol, i luv that 1, yrs old, but i still smile when i tell it and sum1 else hears it 4 the 1st time.
 
G

Guest

Mickey And Minnie

Mickey And Minnie

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the
judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "No I didn't, I said she was fucking Goofy."


Blatant
 
G

Guest

theres that thread

theres that thread

Top ten comments made by sports commentators that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it, which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."

4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."

9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .......... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
 
G

Guest

A light weight will say, "Take me home I'm stoned." An everyday toker will say, "Take me home I'm ripped. A stoner would say, "Take me stoned, I'm home." And the other would reply, "Me stoned I'm too."
 
G

Guest

Yes we are back! Jokin' and Jivin'. GIS I love those. The first one is Hilarious.

One more for y'all!

Why is a Roach Clip called a Roach Clip?

Because Pot Holder was already taken.

Blatant
 
G

Guest

"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes, what do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, Buddy!"
 

Hunter733

Member
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood.
When he gets back, he says,"'Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well. put them between my thighs and warm them up again."
He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night.
When he returns to the cabin, he states once again,
"Honey, my hands are really, really freezing."

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?
 

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