What's new
  • Please note members who been with us for more than 10 years have been upgraded to "Veteran" status and will receive exclusive benefits. If you wish to find out more about this or support IcMag and get same benefits, check this thread here.
  • Important notice: ICMag's T.O.U. has been updated. Please review it here. For your convenience, it is also available in the main forum menu, under 'Quick Links"!

The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

BuzzBob

aka Buzz'dBob
Veteran
A few more that came over from my S/O

A few more that came over from my S/O

_______________________
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of North Carolina."

And they say blondes are dumb...
_______________________

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
_______________________

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_______________________

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded.
______________________

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
_______________________

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror
______________________

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor
_______________________

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
__________________

A PRAYER....
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN
 

GordyP

Member
Kinky Sex

Kinky Sex

Single guy and single woman strike up a conversation at a bar. After some conversation, they learn they've both been married before.

"Yeah, my wife finally got tired of all my kinky sex ideas and divorced me" reported the guy.

"Oh really", replied the gal, "Well I'm really into kinky sex and that's why my ex-husband divorced me".

After a moment, the two look into each other's eyes and begin grinning :rolleyes: "Let's go back to my place right now and get kinky!", she blurts out. He readily agrees and off to her place they go.

Once inside, she tells him, "Just make yourself at home while I go slip into something more suitable". She leaves him alone and heads for her bedroom to put on black leather undies, a collar with spikes, and comes back out holding some handcuffs and a whip. When she does, she sees him walking out, just about to close the door.

"But I thought you were coming here for some kinky sex" she moaned. "Oh, well I've already had mine", he replied. "I just shit in your purse". :eek:

Keep Em Green and Growin'

GordyP
 

PassTheDoobie

Bodhisattva of the Earth
ICMag Donor
Veteran
Gordy, that was nasty!

Gordy, that was nasty!

A skeletin walks up to a bar and tells the bartender, "Give me a pitcher of beer and a mop."
 

GordyP

Member
It Happened in Heaven

It Happened in Heaven

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. They found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to process their paperwork.

While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally finished up, and they asked him the question. St. Peter said, "This I do not know, for you are the first to have raised that issue. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... a couple of months passed and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven; what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever, regardless of our happiness?"

Another month passed and St. Peter finally returned to them, looking worn and somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married while in Heaven."

"Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?
 
G

Guest

are you going to the party tonight???its in her mouth,,everyone is cumming,,,,,do you have a match ? i havent had a match since king kong died.do you have a match? your breath and a buffalo,s fart!!do you have a match?my as in your face,,sorry people,,old jokes from a old dude :canabis: :wave:
 

GordyP

Member
okay, if you insist...

okay, if you insist...

Toward the end of his stage act, a magician asks a member of the audience to assist in his closing demonstration of mystery. A young man is called from the audience and brought up on the stage to meet the magician.

The magician began, "Young man, with your assistance, I will tempt the forces of physics in a show of 'mind over matter'. As I now lay my head on this wooded block, I want you to pick up the big wooden mallet next to you and, with all your strength, swing that mallet and bring it down upon my head resting here on the block."

"Well...okay", said the young man. The crowd gasped in horror as the man swung the mallet full circle and planted it on the magician's head. :bashhead:

Six years later as the magician lay in his hospital bed, he suddenly woke from a six-year coma, threw himself on his knees on the hospital floor, spread his arms wide, and yelled, "Taa Daaaah!".

(Hey, they can't ALL be kinky sex jokes!)

Keep Em Green and Growin'

GordyP
 

GordyP

Member
Lawyer Q & A

Lawyer Q & A

The Post Office had to recall their latest issue of stamps. They were
dedicated to lawyers and people couldn't decide which side to spit on.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three . . . the others are actually true stories.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: What do you call a group of skydiving lawyers?
A: skeet.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: What do you through to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Removable wing tips.

Let's raise our glasses to the poor, humble lawyer (if we know any), :confused:

GordyP
 
G

Guest

Two old ladies were on their lunch break smoking outside when it started to rain. One of them pulls out a condom and puts it over her cig. The other, puzzled, asks what she's doing. The woman told her it's to keep her cigarette dry and she picks them up at the pharmacy right across the street. The other woman, deciding to try it out, walked into the store and asked the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Embarrassed, the man asked her what style she wanted and the woman replied, "I don't care, as long as it can fit a Camel."
 
G

Guest

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks for some arsenic to murder her husband with.

The pharmacist tells her, "I can't sell you arsenic lady, even if your husband is cheating on you."

The woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and he says, "Oh, I didn't realize you have a prescription."
 
this is a really great thread, here's one I heard the other day, I thought it was pretty funny:

a bear is chasing after a rabbit, and they come across a jenie(spelling?), and the jenie tells them '"I'll give you each 2 wishes, if you leave each other alone." So they agree, the bear makes his first wish "I wish for a large penis," and the jenie grants his wish, so the bear makes his second wish "I wish there would be only females on the earth," so the jenie grants his wish. So now it's time for the rabbit to make his wishes, his first wish "I wish for a motorcycle," so the jenie grants his wish. the rabbit mounts his bike as he makes his 2nd wish, "I wish he was gay." and burns off.
 
G

Guest

a man walks into a bar carying a sidearm,a dead cat,and a bucket of shit,,he continues to drink,after a while he drinks,eats a piece of the cat,takes a shot at the bucket,,the bartender askes what the man is doing,the man said he just come into here to eat some pussy and shoot the shit,,
 
G

Guest

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior"

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
 
G

Guest

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The parents stop and the mom quickly dismounts, pulling the covers around her.

"What were you doing?" the boy asks his mom.

"Well, your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it," she explains.

"Your wasting your time," says the boy. "When you go shopping the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
 

JustSayGrow

Member
Computer Diagnosis

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
 
Top