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The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

G

Guest

Well I thought today needed a lil humor injected into it. So lets post some jokes. Dont just go to a joke website and cut and paste something. Lets here the old school family favorites. C'mon people lets see how many people we piss off. Just no racial crap. I already have plenty. Me first.......

A Bear and a Rabbit are shitting in the woods.....the bear looks at the rabbit and asks.......hey do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur? The rabbit stops and thinks for a minute and says, no I never had that problem. So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with him and calmly walks away. The End!:p

Blatant
 

Anhedonia

Member
This one was the "winner" of a scientific study to find the funniest joke. I think it's pretty funny myself. Very unexpected ending.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

I like tech humor a lot as well, BOFH is funny stuff although a bit sadistic at times.
 

Anhedonia

Member
ha! found second place

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
 

chuckyoufarley

Well-known member
Veteran
joke

joke

a guy goes in the bar ,asks for a beer ,bar keep says what kind
the guy says any thing but RED DOG bar keep says whats wrong with RED DOG guy says i drank a 12 pack lastnight and went home and blew chunks in the bed
bar keep say anybody would puke after a 12 pack the guy says you don't understand my dogs name is CHUNKS
 

cough_cough_eer

Anita Bonghitt
Veteran
you all have probably heard this one befor


Whats the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver both approaching a stop sign?



give up:confused:


well the drunk driver is going to speed right though it with out even stoping

the stoned driver is going to stop and wait for it to turn green

:D :D :rolleyes:
 
G

Guest

Damn! I am that joke. Took me about 5 minutes and and a few stares to get me going again. The whole time I was like fuck this light is long. Ha Ha I'm the Joke! Good ones people keep it up.

Blatant
 

Satans pal

Member
So there is a guy sitting at a bar, he looks over at the pool table and sees a guy playing pool. A young woman comes up to him and the guy playing pool whispers in her ear, she smiles, they leave together. About 30 min go by and the guy comes back in and starts playing pool again. Now this happens two more times, and the guy at the bar is thinking wtf, I gotta know how this guy does it. He goes up to the guy playing pool and says "I've been watching you for the past couple of hours. And I gotta know... whats your secret?" They guy playing pool says "When I whisper in their ear I tell them, tickle your ass with a feather? If they smile then I know I am good to go. If they say excuse me then i reply "particularly nasty weather." The guy from the bar says ok. And goes back to his chair. He thinks to himself I can do this. And has a couple more drinks to build up his courage. He then finds a woman, goes up to her and says in a drunken stupor "Shove a feather up your ass?" she says "excuse me" He says "fucking cloudy aint it.":D SP
 
G

Guest

what do u call a stoner with 2 spliffs?







double-jointed.

okay heres another one...

2 men get caught for drugs and taken in front of the judge. The judge says "I will let whichever one of you can convince more people to stop using drugs go without punishment." The first man returns and says to the judge, "I helped 26 people stop drugs by showing them this. He shows the judge a drawing with a small circle and a large circle. "I tell them the big circle is your brain before drugs, the small circle your brain after drugs." The second man stands and states, "I used the same drawing and convinced 156 people to stop using drugs." The judge stunned asked the second man how he accomplished this, he replied - "I told them the small circle is your asshole before prison."
 

Rabbitt-420

Member
Ok lets see if i can get remember this one correctly.

A guy is sitting in a bar having a few beers when he notices this guy at the other end of the bar take a shot of tequila and then walks over to the window and jumps out.
A few seconds later he walks through the door again and sits back at the bar.
The first gentleman notices that this guy has done this several times and finally gets up the nerve to ask him how he does it.
So he walks over and asks " Hey man either im seeing things or you know something i dont know"
The jumper then tells him that everytime he takes a shot it allows him to land safely and return for another shot.
So the guy thinks to himself " Hey if he can do it , So can I"
So he shoots back 3 shots and walks calmly over to the window and jumps.
A minute or so later the bartender walks over the the first jumper and says " Superman your such an asshole when your drunk"
 
Q: Why is a (subsitute any entity you like) brain the size of a pea?

I mistakenly used women's on my first post and was subsequently flamed and crucified, but it is a good one liner.

A: Because its swollen.
 

hypervigilance

New member
Oldie but goodie

Oldie but goodie

Superman, suffering from the boredom of his Fortress of Solitude, decides to fly around and see what's up in the world. He flys 'round and 'round and eventually spots Wonder Woman laying naked in a field of grass - on her back and spread-eagled! Supe had been in Solititude for quite some time and was a bit randy. He thinks to himself, 'I could fly down, hit it and be long gone before she ever knew what happened!'. Not one to miss an opportunity, Superman swoops down, hammers away at Super-Speed and is gone in an instant. Wonder Woman exclaims, 'What was that?!?' and the Invisible Man says, 'I don't know, but it hurt like hell!'
 

Pacridge

Member
This guys talking to his buddy at lunch one day and tells him "Did you hear about the new Nude bar in town? You can go in there and for 2.00 they give a beer and lunch and when your done eating they take you in and back and get you laid." His buddy says "No fucking, way man. No place is that good." He says "No, I got this from a real good source." His buddy say's "So, you've never been in there?" He says "No, but my sister has."
 

Pacridge

Member
What's a blonde say after sex? Next.

Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels? Headroom.

How does a blonde turn on the lights after having sex? Opens the car door.

Why did the blonde give her child up for adoption? Wasn't sure if it was hers.

What did the blonde do when she found out she had crabs? Bought fishnet stockings.
 

Pacridge

Member
Computer problems

Computer problems

A lady calls the help line at a computer tech support company-

"Yes, I just purchased this computer two weeks ago and up until this morning it was working fine, now I can't get it to do anything"

"Well ma'am we're here to help you with whatever your problem is. First what I'd like to have you do is press the control and delete buttons and at the same time press the Alt key. Does that bring anything up on the screen?

"No, the screen is completely black."

"Oh, Okay ma'am. In that case I'm going to have you press the power on switch on the front of the main unit. Do you see that?"

No, I see a reset and ah, oh yeah on/off this must be it, right?"

"Yes ma'am, Press that button and hold it down for an second or two and then release it. After that a little green light next to the button should begin to blink."

"Well I pressed it but nothing happening. I just don't understand it seemed to be working fine. I know for a fact I didn't do anything to it."

"It could just be a software lock or it could be a cable came loose. Do this for me- look behind the computer and see if any of the cables appear to unpluged, can you do that for me?"

Well I'll try but I'm not sure if I'll be able to see anything, just a second. No, I can't see anything. Let me get a flashlight."

"A flashlight?"

"Yeah, I need a flashlight, it's really dark in here the electricity been out all morning."

"Oh, you don't have any electricity in your office?"

"No"

"Then, I think I know how to slove this problem."

"Oh. good what should I do?"

"First do you still have all the boxes your computer came in?"

"Oh, I'm sure I do, there in the coffee room."

"Good, good, this what I need you to do, I need you to box it back up exactly the way it was when you bought and then take it back to the store you bought it from, can you do that?"

"Yes, I'm sure I can. What should I tell the store when I take it back?"

"You tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
 
G

Guest

Nice, some good ones in here. Pacridge I like your style. Lets see heres one more from me. A lil long.....

A sailor just hits land after a year out on a submarine, He's got to get some and fast. So he goes to the local bar and asks the barkeep......psst hey man where can a guy get fucked around here? The barkeep leans over and says quietly......go to this address, knock on the door. So the sailor dashes out of the bar and rushes to the address. He gets to the door, knocks and a voice from the other side says.....whatta you want? The sailor says......the bartender told me to come here if I wanted to get fucked can you help me? The voice says.....OK slip a twenty under the door then. A few minutes go by and the sailor gets antsy and knocks again. The same voice from the other side answers....whatta ya want? Getting a lil frustrated the sailor said again the bartender told me to come here to get fucked. Well Ok the voice said just slip me a twenty under the door. The sailor complies and a few minutes later the door does not open. Furious now he bangs on the door. The voice comes back in but louder asking.....What the hell you want? The sailor furious yells out I was told to come here to get some action and I wanna get fucked! The voice behind the door says..........What again?
 

Pacridge

Member
Poor woman

Poor woman

A, lady paralyzed from the neck down, is taken to a beach every day where she suns herself and reads her book. One day a buff life gaurd, walking the beach, notices her and sparks up a conversation.

He says "you seems some what depressed."

She replies "Well, I've been like this most of my life and it's, well it just that I..well to be honest I've never been kissed."

The life gaurd leans down and very passionately kisses hers and then walks off. She's stunned and completely smitten.

A couple days later the life gaurd, again walking his beach, sees the lady.

"So, how are you dong today?" He asked?

"Oh" She sighed. "Alright, I guess."

"Still depressed? I'm so sorry to hear that what's bothering you today?"

"Well, I don't know how to say this...but , well I just. To put it bluntly I've never been Fucked before."

The life guard leaned down, picked her in his powerful arms and carried her down the beach and prompty tossed her in the surf.

"Well, you're fucked now!"

Sorry Blatant- not trying to rip-you just a different take on the same basic joke.
 

Harry Gypsna

Dirty hippy Bastard
Veteran
Ok ppl, i have a joke, apologies for any1 who is offended, although, i see no reason y they might.,


A man and his wife are on holiday in india, and they go 4 a stroll around the local market, anyway, they get to a shop and the owner says" ah hello yes, u come inside, i make very good deal 4 u", so they go in with him.
Inside the shop, the owner goes to the back, and returns with a pair of sandals, he says " Tthese, sir are magic sandals, whenever u put them on, you will make love, like a wild animal" the husband says"well i dont need em"
but the wife says"well, u couod try em, "
so he puts them on, and as soon as the straps were done up, stood up, and his wife saw something in his eyes she hadnt seen in 15 years, raw sexual desire, she prepared herself, and in the blink of an eye her husband turned around, grabbed hold of the shopkeeper, bent him over the table, pulled his pants down, then his own, and the whole time the shopkeeper was screaming at the top of his voice ""NOOO SIIRR, YOUVE GOT THEM ON THE WRONG FEET, U GOT THEM ON THE WRONG FEET
 

tokeAcola

Member
Nice thread, blatant! Lots of funny stuff here.

I don't know if this qualifies as a joke, but I thought it was funny. I heard it the other day from an old-timer, so if any of you have heard it before, sorry.


"Hey, man, I heard a rumor about you the other day"

"me? what did you hear?"

"I heard that you like your women like you like your whiskey"

"oh, and how is that?"

"12 years old and mixed up with coke!"


heheheeee I thought that was hilarious, so I hope someone else enjoys it.

Peace.

-- tAc
 

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