Life, motivation, goals, waste

I know I have the potential to succeed but I struggle with lack of motivation and probably depression. I'm not sure where I'm going with this or where to start, but I'm feeling talkative so here goes.

A lot of people would consider my upbringing to be absolutely terrible but I don't think it was too bad.

I was born in the Middle East, raised by my mother only (dad was in the States). My mother's side of the family was big (in number), we had many homes, and she (a professor) and her family (poets, doctors, etc) were educated and known. They named a street after my grandfather, a poet, after his death in the late 90s. While a lot of her side of the family including her did suffer from anxiety and other problems, I was insulated from the worst of it due to having a big family and money coming in.

But, there was NOBODY my age in my family. They were too busy getting phDs and married very late (late 40s!), and so while the family was big, I couldn't connect with them due to the age difference.

Religion played no part in my upbringing. It's weird, and it's something I really want to sit down one day and spend time introspecting over, but basically, Islam was so ingrained in the culture that it wasn't really noticeable. There were no debates about it, nobody talked about it, and since there were no debates, people just weren't openly passionate about it.

I personally was an atheist for as long as I can remember (there's a thread about it in the religion forum). But again, I would like to sit down and think more about this before I discuss it more.

I'm going to skip a decade ahead to life in the states. High school was miserable, but that's everyone's experience with it no? I had friends, and I wasn't bullied, but my self-esteem was low. Very low, and I'm not sure why. I'm not bad looking (quite the contrary), not out of shape (pretty fit), not poor, but I always felt inferior to others in a way. Maybe envious but I can't be sure of what exactly.

I've always compared myself to others, especially in terms of education or skill. I "had" to be better, and if I wasn't, I was a mental wreck. But this didn't help me strive in school. In fact, I hate(d) school. while I love reading and learning, I can't muster up the effort to wake up, go to class, and muddle through all the BS that college puts you through.

Luckily for me, I had learned how to program when I was in high school. Instead of being out playing sports or getting laid, I spent most of my days immersing myself in whatever hobbies I could afford at the time. Programming was perfect because it was free and there was no clean up.

I'm (or was) biochemistry major but I honestly can't tell you why. I don't really know. I refused to major in anything computer related because I knew most of it already and felt that paying $25k just for a degree that proves I know something to somebody who wouldn't believe me otherwise wasn't smart - and it's really not.

So I chose my worst subject, chemistry. It was my worst academic subject but I have an interest in it because it changes how you see the world in day to day life. But even though I find it interesting, there are some other reasons I chose chem. Drugs.

I like drugs from a philosophical point of view. The thought that you can tweak chemicals in your brain to become more religious, lower/increase risk taking behavior, feel in or out of love, feel motivated or not, etc, is FASCINATING to me.

But I wasn't planning to work in the chem industry, and continue to view college as an expensive hobby rather than a goal path.

My point is, while I do have some passions and interests, I can't seem to get my shit together. I make good money working as a programmer for a GREAT company - fortune 500 clients. And I do it all from home. I love my job, it's challenging, my boss is chill, and I know it's a job most people with a Master's would love to have, but the truth is, I feel hollow.

I feel like I'm on auto-pilot. I don't feel anything is ultimately worth doing, and though I understand that one must live for the small things in life, I find it exceedingly hard to muster up the effort to actually do things for a future goal. For example, I'd like to be financially independent where I am running my own business and making enough cash to survive, but the question of "then what?" pops into my head?

I don't wanna sound like a spoiled brat (and I probably am, or as my friends say I just have very good luck), but what really motivates one to wake up everyday and do what they do?

I watch homeless people wake up every morning to pick up bottles off the street. I watch small store owners waking up at 6 AM to open in the worst weather conditions. I see people struggling to live, and doing so happily, and while I KNOW what my goals are and what I need to do to accomplish them, there's NO PUSH. No drive.

Two days ago a friend attempted suicide (he's in the hospital now), and while I certainly don't want him dead, I find myself struggling with what to say when he asks me what the point of living is, or why he shouldn't end it.

I used to be suicidal, but I realized that since it's an option available to any of us at any given time, it's something that can wait. This gives me a skewed view on life, where I feel I can do whatever I want, given that I can off myself if shit hits the fan. Granted, I'm not doing anything of the sort.

We smoke plants, we grow plants, we work, we have wives, relationships etc, but when you're in bed, thinking about all this and thinking "what's the fucking point?" - HOW do you motivate yourself to get up and shake it off?

I love competing against Generation Ys (or Zs or As for that matter) for jobs.

They have no clue.



Keep up the good work.



-~WW~-

A lot of the well-intentioned and ultimately decent people I have met in my life are motivated by very strange things, that, in my view, are incorrect. Things like religion, or some other misguided mental-masturbation or cliche'. Things like a goofy political philosophy culminating into this idea that generalized hard work is somehow a moral pursuit-please. Most of the companies we work for do more harm than good anyway. I would never be so arrogant, though, to call them on it, because ultimately it's not about being correct-it's about finding a way to be happy.

I, too, face these mental struggles every day of my life. Sometimes a feel-good one-liner that somebody feeds you really sinks in and makes you feel better, even if it's goofy. I don't have one to share. Just know that you're not the only who is struggling to find these answers. Hopefully you can take some comfort in this.

I think most people do ultimately put these thoughts out of mind as they get older, but, in my pessimistic opinion, most of the time it's just because they've gotten more acclimated to the grind. Not because they gained any insight or wisdom into this whole thing.

I don't think there is a right answer. I don't think there is a purpose. I don't think there is a philosophy or perspective that is fundamentally correct that happy people universally have. In fact, intelligence is often not a very good tool in the pursuit of happiness. Quite a few of the best and brightest off themselves.

Try to find the good things in your day-to-day, and exercise. A lot. These are the only two things I can tell you that work for me on any practical level. I'm sure more positive and less pessimistic people will share there thoughts in the forthcoming posts. Good luck in your struggle, brother.

-~Wind Walker~- said:

I love competing against Generation Ys (or Zs or As for that matter) for jobs.

they have no clue.

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Oh that's no secret, but what drives you to compete? What do you gain besides increasing your chance of propagating your genes through the generations?

!!! said:

Oh that's no secret, but what drives you to compete? What do you gain besides increasing your chance of propagating your genes through the generations?

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Pain and the Lord Jesus Christ drives me to compete. Likewise, to spread his word, set good examples and find others who have the same beliefs such as me.

Pleasure comes and goes but pain and misery is a constant, unless you come from privilege.

-~WW~-

Great thread!

I just sent you a PM....

dadadada

whiterabbit9 said:

maybe you should go to a hospital see people that are gonna die soon
(you could do so while visiting your friend)

or volunteer, you see,
money for our precious time, it will never equalize

i'm sure if you realize what kind of difference you could make with your time, you would be really happy to be alive

for exemple, there is the meals on wheels program, it's for poor/older people (i think more older)
there are volunteers for making the food, driving it etc.

one teacher at my class who used to direct the program, told me these older people die alone, and only time they are found out, is because of the stink in the hallways.
(big appartment buildings)

man, I totally know how you feel, this like it's been said, it's a great thread, it's great
(in a way) that you had these thoughts and feelings, to me that's a sign of intelligence

are you happy with your body ? no mental problems ? except depression...?
some people have burnt faces, dysfunctionnal penises, terminal diseases, living in fucked up countries

I really think you should do some volunteering

and by the way, your not alone struggling man.

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I concur. Most eloquently put.

-~WW~-

You obviously have a brain and got your act together. I'm not trying to sound rude, but I think you could use some humbling. Try and go volunteer and at kid's cancer clinic a few hours week or a hospice care center. It will truly help change your perspective. If you put in just this little bit of time, I bet it would help put your life into perspective for you. Good luck with your search for happiness. It's something we all strive for.

whiterabbit9 said:

On another note...maybe you should go to a hospital see people that are gonna die soon ?
(you could do so while visiting your friend)

or volunteer, you see,
money for our precious time, it will never equalize, that's for sure

i'm sure if you realize what kind of difference you could make with your time, you would be really happy to be alive

for exemple, there is the meals on wheels program, it's for poor/older people (i think more older)
there are volunteers for making the food, driving it etc.

one teacher at my school who used to direct the program, told me these older people die alone, and only time they are found out, is because of the stink in the hallways.
(big appartment buildings)

Click to expand...

Just read that.

It can be tough, I honestly think (not to just throw designations around, as to me thats cliche too), but I've suffered from some sort of depression/manic issues most of my life. I've been successful at much, but have enjoyed little.

I'm realizing that growing these plants, helping others, and making myself helpful to everyone I can consumes enough of me that I can be happy... I also found a girl who has helped me get through dark times and stuck around til I've become light again. Realizing that most normal things I did meant little in the world, and that my day to day life was utterly pointless and irrelevant in the scheme of a shitty/corrupt world, I was always just bummed, blah, etc.... and its taken a good amount of time to START to recover from that and build on it. And still day to day its a battle to keep that positive vibe going, and push away those blah depressive feelings.

I would strongly encourage you to look into spirituality of your own. Not to sway you in any direction, but looking into yourself and finding peace through introspection can help greatly. Smoking herb and looking at my life introspectively has helped too. Good luck.

Lately I find Peace while reading the following:


Translation of Khandana Bhava Bandana

BREAKER OF THIS WORLD'S CHAIN

Breaker of this world's chain, we adore Thee, whom all men love.
Spotless, taking man's form, O Purifier, Thou art above the gunas three,
Knowledge divine, not flesh; Thou whom the cosmos wears, a diamond at its heart.

Let us look deep in Thine eyes; they are bright with the wisdom of God,
That can wake us from maya's spell.
Let us hold fast to Thy feet, treading the waves of the world to safety.
Oh, drunk with love, God-drunken Lover, in Thee all paths of all yogas meet.

Lord of the worlds, Thou art ours, who wert born a child of our time; easy of access to us.
O Merciful, if we take any hold upon God in our prayer, it is by Thy grace alone,
Since all Thine austerities were practiced for our sake.

How great was Thy sacrifice, freely choosing Thy birth in this prison, our Iron Age,
To unchain us and set us free.
Perfect, whom lust could not taint, nor passion nor gold draw near,
O Master of all who renounce, fill our hearts full of love for Thee.

Thou hast finished with fear and with doubt, standing firm in the vision of God;
Refuge to all who have cast fame, fortune, and friends away.
Without question Thou shelterest us, and the world's great sea in its wrath
Seems shrunk to the puddle that fills the hoofprint in the clay.

Speech cannot hold Thee, nor mind, yet without Thee we think not nor speak.
Love, who art partial to none, we are equal before Thy sight.
Taker-away of our pain, we salute Thee, though we are blind.
Come to the heart's black cave, and illumine, Thou light of the light.

Link: http://www.vedanta.org/vssc/centers/audio/khandana.html

Thanks for the replies/PMs. You guys keep mentioning that I should help others, etc. As for helping people, I'm getting my degree and joining the Silver Family! (jk) -

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&safe=off&rls=en&q="(rainbow|silver)+family"+lsd

but on a serious note. Helping others is something we should all be doing. It's certainly great advice, and a great deed to do, but I think it's important to realize that a depressed/demotivated person hears/interprets this differently. The issue isn't WHAT I should be doing, but why I should do anything to begin with. Here's a crappy analogy. It's like arguing between what shoes somebody with no legs should wear. He has his own style/opinion and can argue for/against a specific shoe, but ultimately - he has no legs. He's not wearing shoes so the argument, won or lost, has no impact on his life.

Psychologically, helping others is a way for us to cope with the fact that life isn't fair. It helps us create fairness and this makes us feel good. Seeing that we're blessed (using the word in a non-religious context here) leaves us with a deep sense of contentment.

I can't stop asking why or poking deep into how things work. Maybe all I really wanna do is sit down and think/write about the metaphysics of happiness and motivation.

You have stop asking yourself "why" and just go do. You can sit around and think existentially all day long about how little you really mean in this universe or go mean the world to someone who needs it. Let me give some insight into the "deep" stuff you are poking into. In the grand scheme of time humans, are an anomaly in the universe and we kill ourselves first or the planet will eventually die in a few billion years. That's it. Your are nothing. Deal with it. Guess what? We all are.

If you are waiting for an answer on why, I don't think you are going to get it because no one has it. We just do. Get your ass out of bed one day and go volunteer and then do it again. You'll end up like Yummybud if you sit around all day asking yourself why? Don't give me that depression crap either. You aren't that special. I've had my fair share of emotional problems. You seriously need some perspective and sitting around writing and thinking about it just leaves you trapped inside what little perspective you have.

SpasticGramps said:

You aren't that special. I've had my fair share of emotional problems. You seriously need some perspective and sitting around writing and thinking about it just leaves you trapped inside what little perspective you have.

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I'm going to guess that 'you' are more special than you could realize, even if you are one of infinity, or your actions and life have no 'real' affect. Being conscious, aware, perceiving, is fairly mind-blowing to ponder, and how it all happens.

Motivation is an issue with me too.. or really with the state of mind I've been in. I don't understand what everything is, I can't be sincere, no one to speak frankly to, and I don't know what really matters or what direction (just know that peace, happiness, and those sort of things in general feel good and seem okay or good).

And yeah, gaining perspective.. even if you're not in a comfort-zone now... maybe moving beyond your boundaries will create a comfort-zone.
I personally feel good when I'm outdoors, exploring, etc. At home, life and existence gets less creative, even if more introspective and revealing.

Volunteering with animals is another good idea.

Weird world though for sure, and fascinating too.

If you haven't already, a few good reads are:

Moved My Cheese?

and

Industrial Society and Its Future

Both really rocked me when I read them. I try to constantly set and update goals. When I look back at different periods of my life, the times that I was happiest were the times that I was achieving my goals. The times that I was most unhappy, I was struggling to (not)meet unrealistic goals, or just 'winging it', and falling into a rut.