Man, I loved so many of the jokes posted here!!!!!
Here's another good one:
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom & sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
Dear Mom,
It is with great regret & sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion & he is so nice, with all his piercings & tattoos & his big motorcycle. But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant & Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me & that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone & we'll be growing it for us & his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine & ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now & I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one
candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It
will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years
old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy
bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking
business!!"
LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a
fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little BILLY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first
gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like
your thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There
are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice icream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the one. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is
married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I
suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the
one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
LITTLE BILLY ON... MATH
Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F
in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied
BILLY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father?
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we
are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have
an example of a multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a
mouthful."
Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a
blowjob."
LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My
father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful
in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on
little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she
reluctantly called on little BILLY.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father
that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful."
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waistline.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of “barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, a backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. Or a fighter jet over the desert in Kuwait. When my Agent Orange or other things I have been exposed to start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Three indian boys were walking home on the reservation(don't worry I'm an indian).The one boy looks over and says "My dad is so fast he can out run my horse"!
The other boy says"My dad is faster than that he can shoot his bow and run and catch the arrow before it hits the target"!
The last boy says" thats nothing my dad works for the tribe until 5:30 p.m. And he home at two every day".
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make'em all ugly again".
SO....THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE 'LAST IN LINE'...CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY!
A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a
road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand
dune: "One Texas soldier is better than ten Iraqi".
The Iraqi commander quickly orders 10 of his best men
over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a
few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Texan is better
than one hundred Iraqi."
Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100
troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After
10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Texan voice calls out again: "One Texan is better
than one thousand Iraqi."
The enraged Iraqi commander musters 1000 fighters and
sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns,
grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is
fought....Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back
over the dune and with his dying words tells his
commander, Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There's two of
them."
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.
A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh... if that fly
goes down three inches... that fish will jump for the fly...and I will eat him."
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper trophy."
You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a
lake, but...I can tell you there was more...... A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... and that hunter shoots that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich.....then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down
for the cooling mist of the water...
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish...
The hunter shoots the bear...
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse...
The mouse ducks...
...The cat falls in and drowns.
The moral of the story is....
Whenever a fly goes down three inches...
Some pussy is probably in danger
A sailor comes to shore after six months at sea,
and wants to get laid well he finds a whore house and gets a whore well he is going down on her lifts his head up and pulls a piece of corn out of his mouth but doesnt say anything to her so he goes down on her again and lifts his head up again and pulls out a piece of carrot well now he is pissed right off but doesnt say anything again so he goes down again and lifts his head up again and pulls out a piece of potato now hes thinking this is fucking sick and asks her what the fuck is going on first a piece of corn then a piece of carrot and now a piece of potato fuck this is gross he says, she says thats nothing the last guy that was down there threw up
A Florida couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."