[Don Juan]

^I hope that everything works out well for you and the kids, yooper.

[Sarcasm]

.

[hamstring]

Kids do change everything as I never could have written this before . A little off topic but wanted to give my 2 cents on parenting.

I am a stepfather of one. This is my wife’s second marriage and my first. I am a product of parents that are still married. I have never called my child my stepchild. We met when she was 3.5 years old. She calls me by my first name and step dad to her friends. That’s not for me to judge I am too busy being the dad.

I do not buy into the whole biological thing (I might be biased, You think).
I couldn’t look at my teenage daughter as anything else then my daughter. To me that’s defeatist attitude. What is a parent anyway? Someone who instills his or her beliefs on this small being. I look at my child as this person that I must try and help grow to be a better person. Isn’t that the primary role of a parent to help this being become all they can be? Physically and psychologically. Kicking and screaming as the say.

I know my daughters biological father and when you look into her eyes its not him that reflects back. Every one of my traits good and bad (mostly bad) are what you see. I couldn’t care less if my sperm made this human being she is still what I made of her (Of course she would never say that. Anyone have a teenager?)

I just dont understand the difference between biological father and father. Its what you make of it. If you come into the relationship with the mind set that this person some how is not completely and I mean wholly your responsibility you will be a stepparent.

I want someone to walk into a room full of kids and choose the ones raised by a stepparent, foster parent, grandparent, uncle, and aunt. If the job was done right biological or not you cant. Peace

Verite is correct in that everyone is an individual, and I'd take it further, each individual has a reality he and she live in that affect how the kid will in turn affect their lives.

In this small thread alone you can see how kids can transform someone into a happy better person, or a sad person (s) in a split relationship.

I think it all comes down to timing first of all and mindset. Economic stability, stay at home parent, mature adults, and of course wanting to be a parent.

A mature and established adult with a career and a young adult are 2 different things. Most times young people around 18-25 are still learning and forming ideals and getting ready to be self sufficient in life. They have aspirations and plans that are put on hold, and then the harsh reality kicks in once they knock a girl up. They change and I also am a firm believer that because of our modern society where the woman and the man have to work to afford an urban home, having a kid can change them by creating economic stress also. Both parents struggling to pay bills, working long hours change by not giving the kids the attention they'd like, causing stress, anxiety, depression. When there is no stay-at-home-parent, the kid and relationship don't get the priority they deserve. I'm not even getting into step-parents, that shit should never happen IMO, like yooper13 and Mrs Head are testament to. Adoption is awesome, my sister is my siter and my parents are her parents, no difference..

I do believe women are more affected however than men.. Many great mom experiences here, but let me give you another example:

A young couple barely in their 20s gets married and are madly in love. Both are attracted to each other, both smoke herb and enjoy each other. Soon the lady gets pregnant, belly swells, stops smoking herb, gains tons of weight off fast food (not healthy weight) and bans herb from the house because it's "smoke" and she doesn't want the plants in the house either.. She soon shifts her attention 100% to the kid. Dad can't afford to pay all the bills in any major city, so mom has to start working in 12 weeks after the kid is born, if not she'll loose the job. Daycare raises the kid, mom and dad never see each other as mom needs to give her 3-4 hours at night to the kid, mom continues eating to the point of obesity because our society accepts it as normal (fat, same shit), dad starts drinking because he can barely pay the bills and gets no more sex, and slowly the job is more important to mom because it is the bill payer, not dad, the kid is second in priority, and dad is just another bill payer sitting on the sofa wondering what changed his wife so. He tries to light bowl to relax and gets chewed out, and wonders why the hell he's going to the gym and staying fit at 23 just to jack off. The mom looses most desire to reproduce as now she's mom, yet dad is a 23 year old hormone factory. Dad never changed, but mom turned 180 degrees and the whole socio/economic scenario dictates that money and having the bills payed are much higher on the list than love, sex and unity. The guy gets frustrated because the mom says "you have to love me no matter what I do or look like if you really love me." etc. Dad goes out and gets it elsewhere and on the story goes and more irresposible things happen...

Get my drift.

It's all about timing, my best advice is - Before you have kids, think about how much they will change you in the short run, medium and long term and how your life will change.

Don't have kids unless you are economically well off, are over 30 and know the mother very well. Leave it clear what your expectations are of her and hers of you before you have kids. If not it will change them for the worse.

I also am a stay home father of 4 and i can say having a child does change your life me and their mom were married for 12 years,But you also have to want to be around children in order for it to,after the last child was born my first wife refused to be a parent i would leave for work come home 10 houre later and the baby would have the same diaper on, i know i put a mark on it with a marker before i left.So we fought about it and she went to work so i could stay home and watch the kids she just didnt want to. she died a few years back of cancer i remaried twice after and i am on the second marriage now,the first remarriage lasted about 2 years it ended after i found out the kids new stepmom had secretly placed life insurance on my children with her as benifichary without my knowledge. she had no love for my kids just for the social security benifits they were getting,The 3rd wife loves my children when she wants to and nags and bitches when she dont want them around, An issue im sad to say will probably end up in divorce court, if i ever get married again it will be well after my kids have grown beacuse in my oppinion step parents these days generally just dont care for a child the way a blood parent does, i know that is not always the case but im not willing to keep bringing ppl into my children's lives only to find out that after a few years they dont really like kids

I feel for you bro, and I have given this advice before. Once you have kids it changes everyone. Kids are angels of pure sincerity and love who will be given tools by us to succeed or fail in life. The worst part of all of this is that the kid is the one who suffers the most through all of these bad changes childbirth can cause. They are only good for the kid when they are good changes, and usually those happen if the relatinship lasts or is created the right way..

enough rambling, some of you sound like awesome parents, I'm trying my best and am amazed daily at how much I learn and grow being a parent...

Great Thread

[Haps]

Yes, becoming a parent changed me, and I can not change it back. I have devolved, but the dad stuck with no matter how little dad is needed these days. I would gladly trade this life for an hour in the days when I was loved and needed. How do you turn it off?
H

please excuse my tresspass, I miss women sometimes

[genkisan]

I started having my kids at 24, having gotten married at 21 to a lady I have known since high school.

I have three kids - 5,6 and 10, and could not even begin to imagine life without them around.......I think it would probably involve more sex, more sleep and less stress. Oh yes, and alot more money in my pocket too....





















But it would also be devoid of wee kisses, snuggles at night, hand-drawn "I love Dad" cards, mugs of lukewarm tea when I get sick, super funny comments, the pride I feel when my child tries hard and does well....so bugger not having kids....I would not change things for anything.

[Don Juan]

Originally Posted by Sarcasm

Uh, Don, it looks like he does grow...???

...oops

[trichomefarmer]

well best of luck to all the parents here.

These days whenever I see a baby or a child I silently wish them luck.
personally i am way too pessimestic about the futur to even entertain the thought.
which is why i wish them luck, cause they will need heaps of it.