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after years away from the church, i finally decided to go to confession.
i walked into the booth & closed the door, but when i turned around, i was amazed! there before me were wool lined house slippers, an incredible vibrating recliner to sit in, an enormous box of real Cuban cigars, and a row of Waterford crystal decanters full of the very finest Irish whiskeys & rare single malt scotch. i said "goodness Father! i have been away from the church for years, but i did not expect THIS much change!" there was a knock on the door & i heard a voice say "get out of there you idiot! you are on MY side..."
i walked into the booth & closed the door, but when i turned around, i was amazed! there before me were wool lined house slippers, an incredible vibrating recliner to sit in, an enormous box of real Cuban cigars, and a row of Waterford crystal decanters full of the very finest Irish whiskeys & rare single malt scotch. i said "goodness Father! i have been away from the church for years, but i did not expect THIS much change!" there was a knock on the door & i heard a voice say "get out of there you idiot! you are on MY side..."
T
tropicannayeah
Stevie Wonder walks into a shop......then he grabs his guide dog's lead in two hands,leans back and swings it around and around like an Olympic hammer thrower....a shop assistant comes running over and yells "May I help you Mr Wonder" and Stevie stops doing 360's and his guide dog then stands back beside him, he pats the dog and says " No thanks, I'm just looking"
Met a bird in the pub on Saturday and asked her if she wanted a drink.
"Yes!", she said, "I'll have a triple Brandy and Babycham!".
"Triple Brandy and Babycham?" I enquired, "Can you hold your liquor?"
And she said "Yes, by the ears mostly!".
"Yes!", she said, "I'll have a triple Brandy and Babycham!".
"Triple Brandy and Babycham?" I enquired, "Can you hold your liquor?"
And she said "Yes, by the ears mostly!".
when Bill & Hillary got married, he told her "i only ask one thing of you. i keep a box under the bed, & you must NEVER open it. she thought it was odd, but never looked. thirty years later, she remembered the box, & being a woman, she pulled it out & opened it. much to her surprise, there were 3 empty beer cans & over $80,000 dollars. she went to Bills study and told him she had opened it and asked "why three beer cans?" Bill told her that every time he cheated on her, he drank a beer & put the empty in the box. she thinks Paula, Monica, and Jennifer. hell, three aint so bad. so two days later she thinks "i forgot to ask about the money". at dinner that night, she says "honey, what about all the cash in the box with the cans?" Bill tells her "well, when the box gets full of empties, i cash them in at the recycling place...
another oldie but goody:
WIFE FROM HELL
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'
The wife smiles demurely and says,
'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says,
'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic fine.'
The driver says,
'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says,
'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,
' W ILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's been drinking'
WIFE FROM HELL
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'
The wife smiles demurely and says,
'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says,
'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic fine.'
The driver says,
'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says,
'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,
' W ILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's been drinking'
it is just a joke!
what is the difference between a hippy chick and a hockey player?
a hockey player showers after three periods
what is the difference between a hippy chick and a hockey player?
a hockey player showers after three periods
What is the difference between Jelly and Jam?
You can't Jelly your cock down someone's throat!
You can't Jelly your cock down someone's throat!
Ever heard of jamfish?
Blub-blub?? 
T
tropicannayeah
a naked woman runs into a police station yelling "Grape, grape, I've been graped!!" the cop on duty said "Miss, don't you mean you were raped?" and the woman said " NO, there was a whole bunch of them!"
actually there's nothing funny about rape....I'm a not a bad person, but if some guy raped my daughter I would cut off his cock with a blunt rusty knife.
actually there's nothing funny about rape....I'm a not a bad person, but if some guy raped my daughter I would cut off his cock with a blunt rusty knife.
T
tropicannayeah
I posted this in a new thread in the Toker's Den...but I thought I'd post it here too where it would be better appreciated.
Joan Rivers, one of the greats and good person too...sorry to see you go (and so is her plastic surgeon! lol).....I bet we'll be hearing lots of Joan Rivers cremation jokes soon and I bet she would be laughing the loudest.
"I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery."
"I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again."
At the Logies in 2006: "I don't know why the f--- I'm here. I know you're all famous, and I hope you all win, [but] I don't know who you are."
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."
"I was born in 1962 … and the room next to me was 1963."
"I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid."
"I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware."
"I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for Best Special Effects."
"A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again."
"My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks."
"I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley's Believe It or Not and he sent it back and said, 'I don't believe it.'"
"You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it."
"I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it."
"Half of all marriages end in divorce - and then there are the really unhappy ones."
"My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time."
"Did you hear Tom Cruise just had a baby? He was there when it was born … he should have been there when it was conceived."
"Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'"
"I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'"
"My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark."
"The funniest [writer] in person but rather boring on the page is, hands down, Leo Tolstoy. If I hear one more time: 'How many czars does it take to change a light bulb? None; they didn't have them in those days,' I think I'll scream!"
"The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud."
"Grandchildren can be so f---ing annoying. How many times can you go, 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink'? It's like talking to a supermodel."
"Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century."
"The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery."
"At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents."
"I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present."
I read a book a few years ago written by some piece of shit cat burglar..he used to sneak into the apartments and hotel rooms of celebrities as they were performing and steal their gold chains, diamonds etc. He said every single one of lied to the insurance company by exaggerating what was taken, all except Joan Rivers who declared the exact quantity of jewelry,,she's a class act. I also saw a documentary about her, she has cataloged every singe joke she thought up in her long career on small cards in filing cabinets, there must of been ten thousand jokes there!
Joan Rivers, one of the greats and good person too...sorry to see you go (and so is her plastic surgeon! lol).....I bet we'll be hearing lots of Joan Rivers cremation jokes soon and I bet she would be laughing the loudest.
"I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery."
"I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again."
At the Logies in 2006: "I don't know why the f--- I'm here. I know you're all famous, and I hope you all win, [but] I don't know who you are."
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."
"I was born in 1962 … and the room next to me was 1963."
"I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid."
"I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware."
"I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for Best Special Effects."
"A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again."
"My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks."
"I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley's Believe It or Not and he sent it back and said, 'I don't believe it.'"
"You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it."
"I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it."
"Half of all marriages end in divorce - and then there are the really unhappy ones."
"My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time."
"Did you hear Tom Cruise just had a baby? He was there when it was born … he should have been there when it was conceived."
"Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'"
"I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'"
"My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark."
"The funniest [writer] in person but rather boring on the page is, hands down, Leo Tolstoy. If I hear one more time: 'How many czars does it take to change a light bulb? None; they didn't have them in those days,' I think I'll scream!"
"The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud."
"Grandchildren can be so f---ing annoying. How many times can you go, 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink'? It's like talking to a supermodel."
"Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century."
"The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery."
"At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents."
"I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present."
I read a book a few years ago written by some piece of shit cat burglar..he used to sneak into the apartments and hotel rooms of celebrities as they were performing and steal their gold chains, diamonds etc. He said every single one of lied to the insurance company by exaggerating what was taken, all except Joan Rivers who declared the exact quantity of jewelry,,she's a class act. I also saw a documentary about her, she has cataloged every singe joke she thought up in her long career on small cards in filing cabinets, there must of been ten thousand jokes there!
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