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cruel, but still funny in a sick way that I appreciate even though I love dogs...
how do Scotsmen find their sheep in tall grass? very satisfying...
know why Scots wear kilts? sheep are frightened by the sound of zippers...
know why Scots wear kilts? sheep are frightened by the sound of zippers...
T
tropicannayeah
Your mother is so fat, when she sits around the house, she actually sits around the house.
And yours is the reason Pluto isn't a planet any longer ;( .
T
tropicannayeah
and your mother probably sits aaarrrrooooounddd the house too.
.
Attachments
Your Mum's so fat, that when she fell down the stairs, it sounded like Eastenders had finished.
Subject: FW: Texas Deputy Sheriff Exam
>
> A young West Texan grew up wanting
> to be a lawman.
>
> He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and
> fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the
> air at 40 paces.
>
> When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only
> dreamed of working: the Medina County, Texas - Sheriff's
> Department.
>
> After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy
> finally called him into his office for the young man's
> last interview.
>
> The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and
> you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look
> good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude
> Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be
> accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge,
> son."
>
> Then, sliding a Model 11 Colt and a box of ammo across the
> desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and
> shoot:
>
> six illegal aliens,
>
> six lawyers,
>
> six meth dealers,
>
> six Muslim extremists,
>
> six Democrats,
>
> and a rabbit."
>
> "Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
>
> "You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can
> you start?"
>
>
>
> A young West Texan grew up wanting
> to be a lawman.
>
> He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and
> fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the
> air at 40 paces.
>
> When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only
> dreamed of working: the Medina County, Texas - Sheriff's
> Department.
>
> After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy
> finally called him into his office for the young man's
> last interview.
>
> The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and
> you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look
> good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude
> Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be
> accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge,
> son."
>
> Then, sliding a Model 11 Colt and a box of ammo across the
> desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and
> shoot:
>
> six illegal aliens,
>
> six lawyers,
>
> six meth dealers,
>
> six Muslim extremists,
>
> six Democrats,
>
> and a rabbit."
>
> "Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
>
> "You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can
> you start?"
>
>
I was in the pub last night and they had a hypnotist on, doing his act.
After putting 7 men in a trance, he accidentally dropped the mic on his foot and yelled out in pain "Oooooow, Fuck me."
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
After putting 7 men in a trance, he accidentally dropped the mic on his foot and yelled out in pain "Oooooow, Fuck me."
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
a newbie reporter is sent out to find a human interest story for his first assignment. he is from Arkansas, so goes back to his roots. he goes to visit an uncle north of Little Rock & asks if he ever did anything interesting. "well" the ol' boy begins "once I was part of a search party that found a lost sheep. after we all fucked it, we took it back to its owner." "damn" the guy thinks, I can't use that!" so he asks his uncle if he ever did anything else noteworthy. "sure" the geezer says "once we found this young lost gal with big tits. after we gang-banged her, we took her home to her parents." "DAMMIT!" the cub sez to hisself, "can't use that either!" so he asks "well, anything embarrassing ever happen to you?" "well" the old boy whispers "I got lost once..."
a young nun walks into her Mother Superiors office crying, & collapses in a chair. "Sister" the Mother says "what is wrong?" "well, you knew that my family came to visit yesterday, & that we went golfing? well, I'm afraid that I took the Lords name in vain!" "oh my" Mother Superior says "how did it happen?" "well," the nun continued " I hit a beautiful drive on the par 5 ninth hole, its going right at the flagstick, & my ball hit a bird in midflight!" "is that what made you curse?" Mother asked. "no, and I was so proud of myself" the nun said "but then a squirrel ran out of the woods, grabbed my ball & took off down the fairway!" "is that what made you take His name in vain?" Mother asked. "no, Mother Superior." she said "just then, a hawk swooped in, grabbed the squirrel & flew back toward the green. just as it passed over the green, the dying squirrel released the ball & it rolled to within a foot of the cup!" "STOP right there!" Mother Superior snarled "you missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
Two Alligators were sitting around talking, and the smaller Alligator turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so
much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
'Well,' said the big Gator, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Gator.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol'
'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit
out of them and eat 'em!
'Ah!' says the big Alligator, 'I think I see your problem.. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out
of a politician, there's nothing left but an Asshole and a briefcase.'
much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
'Well,' said the big Gator, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Gator.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol'
'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit
out of them and eat 'em!
'Ah!' says the big Alligator, 'I think I see your problem.. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out
of a politician, there's nothing left but an Asshole and a briefcase.'
Bert, age 80, always wanted a pair of cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret, age 75, looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be
hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert! Shoulda bought a hat."
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret, age 75, looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be
hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert! Shoulda bought a hat."
Reread may be necessary
Reread may be necessary
I had a hard time stomaching all of it.
True, I forced it down my throat; you may say 'swallowing word by word'. It was really tough stuff to digest!
Before I finished one page, the previous kept coming up again. I couldn't keep a clear head either, I literally had it full of bits and pieces but nothing whole!
Sure, it was a mess to begin with, but too soon I had it all over the place. That happens when you try to spoon-feed yourself LoL.
In the end I got to the bottom, though it took me hours and I still feel sick...
Although, I printed it all out on edible paper... darn 'choke thread'!
Reread may be necessary
I had a hard time stomaching all of it.
True, I forced it down my throat; you may say 'swallowing word by word'. It was really tough stuff to digest!
Before I finished one page, the previous kept coming up again. I couldn't keep a clear head either, I literally had it full of bits and pieces but nothing whole!
Sure, it was a mess to begin with, but too soon I had it all over the place. That happens when you try to spoon-feed yourself LoL.
In the end I got to the bottom, though it took me hours and I still feel sick...
Although, I printed it all out on edible paper... darn 'choke thread'!
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was
no after-life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to
his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion ..... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then
it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and
then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -
lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have
sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course
again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed
sleep
and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Bob! Are you an angel in Heaven?"
"No, I'm a rabbit, somewhere in North Carolina".
the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was
no after-life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to
his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion ..... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then
it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and
then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -
lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have
sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course
again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed
sleep
and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Bob! Are you an angel in Heaven?"
"No, I'm a rabbit, somewhere in North Carolina".
Yo momma's so fat when god saw the big bang said "Jeez you must have lost some weight!".
