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The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

Bud Green

Bud Green

I dig dirt
Veteran
Police stop at 2:00 AM

Ron Chestna, age 91, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effect it has on the human body,
as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."
 

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Harry Gypsna

Harry Gypsna

Dirty hippy Bastard
Veteran
Who is the most important player in a football team made up of Greek mythological characters?

The Centaur forward.
 
N

NoSocSlic

A bored husband is tinkering in his workshop, when he decides to himself that he thinks he can build a new type of lie detector device. He works the rest of the night and the whole next day on it before he finally gets it done and ready to test.

He brings in his new machine and sets it down on the dinner table. Its a robot on three wheels with two long arms and a microphone, along with some stray wires hanging about here and there. His wife and son, marveling at the new device ask, "What the heck is that?!" "Its a lie detector," he said to them and I want to test it.

"Sam," he said to his son, "What did you do yesterday?" Sam replies, " I went to school, and came straight home," and all of the sudden the robot spins around and smacks him across the face. "Ouch, okay okay! I went to tony's house and watched a movie!" Sam said. The dad asked, "What movie did you watch?" Sam hesitated and responded confidently, "The Avengers." The robot spun again and slapped him in the face another time. "Ouch!" he yelled, "It was a porno, I'm sorry!" The dad just aghast said, "A porno!? You're 12! What are you doing watching porn?"

His wife, having enough of this test says, "Honey that's enough, he's your son." The robot wheels across the table and smacks her in the face.
 
Harry Gypsna

Harry Gypsna

Dirty hippy Bastard
Veteran
Hank Hemp said:
I would have to say a centaur would be a better running back, in real football, that is.
Click to expand...

Real football? That health and safety people got to it version of rugby with padding and helmets, where kicking the ball is mostly against the rules...that "football"?
Spandex trouser ball I think you mean. Yoga pants ball.

:biggrin:
 
Harry Gypsna

Harry Gypsna

Dirty hippy Bastard
Veteran
hup234 said:
they are short 25,000,000 females thats no laughing matter, poor chumps
Click to expand...

If only we could somehow harness all the energy created by the inevitable frenzied masturbation such demographic imbalances would create, we may have finally found that clean energy source.:biggrin::tiphat:


There you go world, yer welcome.
 
Jbomber79

Jbomber79

Active member
Veteran
Clean......mmm I'm not sure about that..

"we all must laugh cause were all in this together and we love to take a bath"
 
MJBadger

MJBadger

Active member
Veteran
they are short 25,000,000 females thats no laughing matter, poor chumps
Click to expand...

In the real world there would be an awful lot of gay chappies over there then , how come the country`s got a population explosion .

Many years ago there was a joke about Chinese men having slitty eyes , ever wondered why ? Look in the mirror next time your wacking one off .
 
Only Ornamental

Only Ornamental

Spiritually inspired agnostic mad scientist
Veteran
Biology, Chemistry and Science Pick-up Lines!

Biology, Chemistry and Science Pick-up Lines!

I stumbled upon some weirdo pickup lines (didn't know that Chemists had the possibility to use pickup lines) and am so blunt to simply copy-paste them here:
If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.

You're so hot, you denature my proteins.

Can I be the phasor to your electron and take you to an excited state?

Are you made of Copper and Tellurium? Because you are Cu-Te
Do you have 11 protons? 'Cause you're Sodium fine!

I've got my ion you baby!

You must be gibberelin, because I'm experiencing some stem elongation.

You make my anoxic sediments want to increase their redox potential.

Are you made of Nickel, Cerium, Arsenic and Sulfur? Because you've got a NiCe AsS!

Hey baby, will a little more alcohol catalyze this reaction?

Didn't you know that chemists do it periodically on the table?

I bet you're like calcium bicarbonate - if I get you wet, the reaction will be explosive!

Are you made of Fluorine, Iodine, and Neon? 'Cause you are F-I-Ne

Me and you would undergo a more energetic reaction then Potassium and water.

Im more attracted to you then F is attracted to an electron.

I will fondle your vesicles while you caress my golgi body.

I want to work on your leucine zipper with my zinc fingers.

If you were oxygen, I would be an alkali metal so i could get in you and explode!

We fit together like the sticky ends of recombinant DNA.

You are the photon to my photosystem: you excite my electron until I reach my reaction centre.

You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power.

If I were a neurotransmitter, I would be dopamine so I could activate your reward pathway.

Hey, wanna put your alpha helix in my beta barrel?

Hey baby, why don't you get your ligase working on my okazaki fragment and lengthen my strand.

Hey, are you an alpha carbon, because you look susceptible to backside attack!

Do you want to extract some protein from my column?

According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your hotness with me.

Everyone knows its not the size of the vector that matters, but the way the force is delivered.

How about me and you go back to my place and form a covalent bond?

If I was an endoplasmic reticulum, how would you want me: smooth or rough?

We can make a mess as I've hired some lysosomes to clean up after.

My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin because baby, I want you!

I wish I was an Ion so I could form an exothermic bond with you.

You’re so cute you make my zygomaticus muscles contract.

I wish I were Adenine because then I could get paired with U.

You’re like telophase, I admire your cleavage.

Hey baby, want to form a synapse with me and exchange neurotransmitters?

Hey baby, want to form a zygote?

It’s a good thing you've got evaporative cooling, cause I’m going to make you sweat.

If I were a Shwann cell, I'd squeeze around your axon and give you a fast action potential.

Want to be my substrate/enzyme?

If my right leg is the cell wall and my left the membrane, do you want to be the cytoplasm?

If you were a concentration gradient I'd go down on you.

If you were C6, and I were H12, all we would need is the air we breathe to be sweeter than sugar.

Whenever I am near you, I undergo anaerobic respiration because you take my breath away

I want to stick to u like glue-cose.

You must be the one for me, since my selectively permeable membrane let you through.

Can I be your enzyme? because my active site is dying for a chemical reaction.

You give me more jolt than a mitochondria!

Right now we’re just two RNA, but maybe we could transcribe together and become DNA.

I have a smooth endoplasmic reticulum but know that I like it rough, if you know what I mean.

I also prefer my ribosomes bound tight. Spin me round with your basal body and make sure it's turgid.
Click to expand...
 
Gry

Gry

Well-known member
Veteran
> >>>>A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
> >>>>To get a feel for his audience, the lecturer asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
> >>>>About 90 students raise their hands.
> >>>>"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
> >>>>About 40 students raise their hands.
> >>>>"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
> >>>>About 15 students raise their hand.
> >>>>"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
> >>>>Three students raise their hands.
> >>>>"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
> >>>>
> >>>>Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
> >>>>The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
> >>>>
> >>>>The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
> >>>>
> >>>>Ahmed replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
> >>>
 
MHBGuy

MHBGuy

Active member
Gry said:
> >>>>A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
> >>>>To get a feel for his audience, the lecturer asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
> >>>>About 90 students raise their hands.
> >>>>"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
> >>>>About 40 students raise their hands.
> >>>>"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
> >>>>About 15 students raise their hand.
> >>>>"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
> >>>>Three students raise their hands.
> >>>>"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
> >>>>
> >>>>Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
> >>>>The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
> >>>>
> >>>>The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
> >>>>
> >>>>Ahmed replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
> >>>
Click to expand...

Well fucking done!
 
Only Ornamental

Only Ornamental

Spiritually inspired agnostic mad scientist
Veteran
What do you reply when a baker offends you here on ICMag?

What do you reply when a baker offends you here on ICMag?

Yeastus Christ, stove creaming!
Dough you're probably baked I didn't had a loaf.
This is a bread about cannabis braiding. So crust me we I say we shouldn't be croissant our swords baguette oven it. We're tart, we'll resin out the issue.
Here, have some flours.
Goodpie,
OO

PS Bun intended :)
 
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