I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO

[Hundred Gram Oz]

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Forward this now, (especially) to all your mature friends...... it will be their laugh for the day.

 

[SPG*]

(title)

 

[SPG*]

I have asda Deliver


Use a diff store
Forget em

 

[SativaBreather]

they really banned you?

 

[zamzia]

What dafuq? lol

 

[Hundred Gram Oz]

they really banned you?

No mate, a friend sent me that this morning, I though you guys might get a good laugh out of it lol.

HGO

 

[theherbalizor]

It's from the movie The Counsellor. But not Tescos of course.

 

[dansbuds]

ROFLMFAO !!! that was great HGO

 

[SativaBreather]

No mate, a friend sent me that this morning, I though you guys might get a good laugh out of it lol.

HGO

lol i know, i think i've seen it before, tis funny tho

 

[Hundred Gram Oz]

Ah so it's from a movie, I'll have to add The Counselor to the must watch list because I though that joke was funny as hell lol. I'm just out of the cinema, we watched 100 ways to die in the west....pretty funny movie but stupid at times

HGO

 

[Cloneman]

My wife and I were on holiday and after a few Sambucas and hours of persuasion she finally agreed to take it up the arse...


I was so relieved. There was no way I could get another 8 pouches of Golden Virginia in the suitcase!

 

[SPG*]

The woman in the Que HGO! . Rofl. Reminds me of the young ones episode Bambi where their university challenge Mascot's identity is truly revealed! "D" . Bahaha
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sv5bLdB7kWM

Such (selfish) dumbness can be grating after a while eh!

 

[Speula]

Oh dude..
This story made my day

 

[DJXX]

Too funny....still laughing....sup HGO...DJXX

 

[~Shhh~]

The counseller, good flick... good dialogue

 

[Elmer Bud]

G`day HOG

Yep a friend of mine came home drunk late for dinner one night .
His wife had thrown his dinner in the dog`s bowl . He went to the pantry and scanned for something to satisfy his hunger . Cupboard was bare . Except for a bag of doggie treats .
So he plucked a few from the bag and slipped one in his mouth . The explosion of flavour was sublime . So he grabbed the packet and settled down on the couch for some much needed rest .
Wasn`t long and he was eating doggie snacks 3 times a day . Morn , Noon and night .

His wife got very concerned and went to see the family doctor . Oh ... said the GP . You should do anything within your power to help him stop eating the dog snacks . They could eventually cause a horrible lingering illness and death .

A cpl of years passed and my friends wife visited the same doctor again . He greeted her with a smile . How did it go with the hubby . And his dog food eating ?

It got him in the end she replied . Oh ? How did he go ? Oh it was terrible . I tried to warn you said the Doc . Can I respectfully inquire the circumstances of your partners demise Maam ? Was it drawn out and painful like I predicted ?

No Doc he went quick ...
He was in the middle of the road licking his dick when he was run over by an eighteen wheeler .

Thanks for sharin

EB .

 

[Chrondiddle O]

I once went into my local tescos and it was like a scene from a Quentin tarantino film,there was a large trail of blood going in through the doors,and up and down the aisles.In places it was on the shelves etc.
There was someone shouting,almost screaming and most of the customers and staff were standing around at the end of the aisles looking concerned,it transpired some ratbag of a kid which belonged to some poor staff member had got into a fight and gone to see his mum who worked there.Understandably she wanted him to leave but he didn't seem to get the message.I felt extremely sorry for the woman in all honesty because she was mortified and clearly concerned for her job but the youth was oblivious to it,totally pissed and bleeding everywhere.I couldn't believe they didn't immediately close the shop to properly clean it and stop anyone from buying what was in their baskets given the amount of blood that was everywhere.

 

[Cloneman]

Here's one for the winter

My wife slipped on the ice this morning, she must be freezing out there.............bom bom

 

[WavyGravy]

I've got a lifetime ban from every major supermarket chain fortunately they don't all know. Once had bail conditions of not being able to enter any commercial premises whatsoever. Ah the bad old days of a misspent youth. Nice to be able to shop these days without being followed. Moral of the story is just stick to the herb.

 

[MJBadger]

Double post