The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Iffy]

And extremely old.
But Iffy started it

Guilty as charged

Me? I'm mature, like...I could give a fuck about most things. I mean we don't have capital punishment here in the UK so what's the worst that can happen?

I was asked by an Employment Office councillor 'What was my one character weakness?'
I answered her: 'My honesty'.
She gave me a funny look and replied; 'I don't consider honesty a weakness sir.'
'I don't give a fuck what you think!' I said with a grin.

 

[Harry Gypsna]

Guilty as charged

Me? I'm mature, like...I could give a fuck about most things. I mean we don't have capital punishment here in the UK so what's the worst that can happen?

I was asked by an Employment Office councillor 'What was my one character weakness?'
I answered her: 'My honesty'.
She gave me a funny look and replied; 'I don't consider honesty a weakness sir.'
'I don't give a fuck what you think!' I said with a grin.

Ahem


https://www.icmag.com/ic/showpost.php?p=6256475&postcount=3200

 

[Only Ornamental]

Just saw the second last episode of Bones; it was all about medical marijuana...
So Bones went like 'In ancient Egypt they even used cannabis to treat haemorrhoids.'
Whereupon Booth replied 'Which they probably got from sitting stoned on pyramids all day long.'

I found that terrific!

 

[MJBadger]

'I don't give a fuck what you think!

The version I heard a long time ago was
" I don`t give a fuck what you think you ugly bitch "

Even so some of the old ones are still good .

 

[tropicannayeah]

Iffy posted :

"You can usually tell if a woman likes you by what she does with her feet.
If she's tucked them behind her ears then she really likes you!"

Love this joke, this is my pick for the best joke of the month, keep em coming Iffy.

 

[Stonefree69]

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you
have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over
anytime I want.'
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a
little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish
that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she
cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and
complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.


God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 

[Hank Hemp]

We all saw it coming but it was worth the wait, I guess, sure it was worth it.

 

[Iffy]

Seeing as I have a reputation for 'oldies', I would hate to disappoint anyone.......

A SIMPLE LESSON IN CAPITAL INVESTMENT

A little old lady walked into the head offices of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She took her place in the short queue, looking around over thick glasses. When it was her turn, she stepped up to the window and told the young man that she wanted to open an account with the $3 million she had in the bag. She said that before that however, she wished to meet with the president of the bank, due to the large amount of money involved.
The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1000 bills which could easily amount to $3 million, he telephoned the bank president’s secretary to obtain an immediate appointment for the lady.
The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president’s office. Introductions were made over a large expanse of mahogany table and she was offered a comfortable looking chair. She stated in a quiet but confident tone, that she liked to get to know the people with whom she did business on a personal level. The portly president smiled, nodding his appreciation. He then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money. “Was it an inheritance?” He queried.
“N0,” she replied, shaking her head. He was quiet for a few seconds; trying to think where this little old lady could possibly have come into $3 million. But before he could ask.
“I bet” she volunteered.
“You bet?” repeated the president, surprise showing on his fat face. “As on horses?”.
“No” The lady replied. “I bet on people”. Seeing his obvious confusion, she explained to him that ever since she was a little girl she would just bet on different things, often quite silly things with interesting people.
Suddenly she said “For example - I’ll bet you $25,000 that by 10.00 tomorrow morning your balls will be square”. The president was shocked at such a wierd proposal from this sweet looking lady. He figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to take up her bet. He couldn’t see how he could possibly lose. For the rest of the day the president was very careful. He stayed at home that evening and took no chances. There was $25,000 at stake!
A few minutes after 10.00 the following morning the little old lady was shown into his plush office. With her this time was a smartly dressed, well groomed young man. When the bank president inquired as to the man’s purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and that she always took him along, especially when this much money was involved.
“Well” she asked, “What about our bet?”
“I don’t know how to tell you this,” he replied giggling, “But I’m the same as I’ve always been, only $25,000 richer”. His joy was clear across his face as he beamed at her.
The lady seemed to accept this but requested that she see for herself, after all proof was required! The president thought about this for a minute but eventually agreed that it was a reasonable request and duly dropped his pin-striped trousers. Nodding in satisfaction, she further instructed him to bend over. He did so and she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough everything was fine, his balls were tiny but were indeed round as marbles!
The president looked up and saw that her young lawyer was weeping & banging his head against the wall. “What on earth is wrong with him?” He asked, tucking himself away.
“OH him” she replied with a sly grin. “I bet him $100.000 that by 10.00 this morning I’d have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls”.

'Youth and enthusiasm are no match for age and treachery'.

 

[Iffy]

Flagrant Plagiarism Rife On IC Mag Forums!

Flagrant Plagiarism Rife On IC Mag Forums!

Ahem


https://www.icmag.com/ic/showpost.php?p=6256475&postcount=3200

Ahem, ok so neither of us are spring chickens Harry. The old 'uns are the best - you just have to boil them longer. Anon

 

[Harry Gypsna]

The Pope doesn't approve of Condoms.
Fair enough, he's entitled to his opinion.
But how exactly does he suggest I should smuggle Cocaine?

 

[Bud Green]

A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly raised her hand and said "My family went to the New York City Zoo and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Statue of Liberty and I was fascinated".
The teacher said "Well, that was good Sally, but I want the word "fascinate".
Little Johnny raised his hand was going, "Ooo, ooo, Ooo". The teacher hesitated to call him, because, well you know little Johnny..
She finally decided there was no way he could make something vulgar with the word "fascinate" so she called on him..
Little Johnny stood up, and with a big grin said,
"My sister has a sweater with ten buttons on it, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight".

 

[Hank Hemp]

Point well taken

Point well taken

The Pope doesn't approve of Condoms.
Fair enough, he's entitled to his opinion.
But how exactly does he suggest I should smuggle Cocaine?

Maybe you should bring that up next town hall meeting.

 

[Hank Hemp]

Oh Yeah

Oh Yeah

A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly raised her hand and said "My family went to the New York City Zoo and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Statue of Liberty and I was fascinated".
The teacher said "Well, that was good Sally, but I want the word "fascinate".
Little Johnny raised his hand was going, "Ooo, ooo, Ooo". The teacher hesitated to call him, because, well you know little Johnny..
She finally decided there was no way he could make something vulgar with the word "fascinate" so she called on him..
Little Johnny stood up, and with a big grin said,
"My sister has a sweater with ten buttons on it, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight".

Thank you for the effort Bud G keep trying.

 

[Bud Green]

Thank you for the effort Bud G keep trying.

What?!?..... C'mon Hank, you know that was the BEST "Little Johnny" joke that you've heard!

 

[Harry Gypsna]

What?!?..... C'mon Hank, you know that was the BEST "Little Johnny" joke that you've heard!

No!
This was the best little johnny joke Hank ever heard, when I posted it before.

[YOUTUBEIF]AG4W389Gmcs[/YOUTUBEIF]

 

[trichrider]

Sobering Thought
During the 3-1/2 years of World War 2 that started with the Japanese bombingof Pearl Harbor in December 1941 and ended with the Surrender of Germany and Japan in 1945, the U.S. produced 22 aircraft carriers, 8 battleships, 48 cruisers, 349 destroyers, 420 destroyer escorts, 203 submarines, 34 million tons of merchant ships, 100,000 fighter aircraft, 98,000 bombers, 24,000 transport aircraft, 58,000 training aircraft, 93,000 tanks, 257,000 artillery pieces, 105,000 mortars, 3,000,000 machine guns, and 2,500,000 military trucks.

We put 16.1 million men in uniform in the various armed services, invaded Africa, invaded Sicily and Italy, won the battle for the Atlantic, planned and executed D-Day, marched across the Pacific and Europe, developed the atomic bomb and ultimately conquered Japan and Germany.

It's worth noting, that during the same length of time, the Obama administration couldn't get a functioning web site built.

 

[Only Ornamental]

It's worth noting, that during the same length of time, the Obama administration couldn't get a functioning web site built.

Maybe they should use the informatics equipment they're used to?
Like that one from the funny picture thread:

1950's IBM Hard Drive being loaded on a plane. Weight: 1,000 Kilograms or 2,200ish pounds. Storage Capacity: 5 Megabytes!

View Image

 

[Hank Hemp]

This is more joke than pic.

 

[Bud Green]

THERE IS A DIFFERENCE……. IF YOU MARRY A MONTANA GIRL!

THERE IS A DIFFERENCE……. IF YOU MARRY A MONTANA GIRL!

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.
The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Montana. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

 

[Slim Pickens]

^^Did yer wife make ya post that Bud? That's not how it goes...it goes like this:

Meeting of Assertive Women Conference 1998.

Guest speakers reporting on how well their husbands have responded the the new Woman Assertiveness Training Seminars:

The first speaker, a lady from England stood up and said, "During
last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our
husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my
husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he
would have to do it himself!

After the first day, I saw nothing.

After the second day, I saw nothing.

But on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast
lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker, a lady from Russia stood up and said, "After
last years' conference I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I
would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it
himself.

After the first day, I saw nothing.

After the second day, I saw nothing.

But on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own
washing, but my washing as well."

The crowd again cheered.

The third speaker, a Cajun lady from Mamou, Louisiana, stood up and
said, "Afta last years' conference, I went rat home and tole dat
lazy husband'a mine, Boudreaux, dat I wadn't gonna do no mo'a his
cookin', cleanin' or shoppin' and dat he wuz gonna have to do it all
fer hissef." The crowd got to their feet and roared approval. When
it became quiet, she continued, "And I tole 'em I wadn't gonna be
doin' no mo cleanin' 'em nasty crawfeesh, giggin' no mo boolfrogs
and water dawgs, skinnin' none'a dem musrats and nutrias or check'n
no mo catfeesh trotlines."

The crowd went wild - the cheering and clapping lasted for at least
five minutes. When it again became calm, she continued,

"Afta the fust day, I didn't saw nuttin'.

Afta the second day, I didn't saw nuttin' too.

But afta the thud day, I could saw a little bit outta my left eye."