smokin treez
Member
Funny shit everyone,
Guess who's getting back together after all the shit they have seen?
Your Ass Cheeks
Guess who's getting back together after all the shit they have seen?
Your Ass Cheeks
H
Hal
Fuckin A SOG!!
I tried to give you some K love, but I was told that I have given out too much in the last 24 hours.
Damn, that was hilarious!
I tried to give you some K love, but I was told that I have given out too much in the last 24 hours.
Damn, that was hilarious!
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.
"That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.
"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.
The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.
"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."
"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."
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A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody"
His customer answers in a slurred voice "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis."
"Oh come on" replies the bartender.
The customer then says "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."
He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.
The bartender bends down and looks closely and says "Why this is just a cigar".
The customer looks puzzled and says "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says " See that".
The bartender again inspects it closely and says "You asshole that's just another cigar."
Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says "Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!"
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A man went into a bar and ordered several shots of vodka. By the time the bar was closing, he was wasted. He got up to leave and fell flat on his face. "Well, I don't want the bartender to think I'm drunk, so I'll pretend I tripped and I'll try it again." So he gets up and falls on his face. "Well, the door's not too far away; I'll just crawl." When he gets outside he thinks, "Well, I only live 4 blocks away; I can make it that far." So he stands up and falls on his face. He decides he'll try it 1 block at a time, and at every block he falls flat on his face. Finally he makes it home, stands up and falls on the bed. In the morning his wife wakes him up. "You were drunk again last night, weren't you?" "How did you know?" "The bartender called. He said you left your wheelchair at the bar."
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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a glass of beer, and the bartender says, "That'll be four cents, please."
The guy nearly spits out his beer. "Four cents?!" he says in amazement. "How much for a plate of fish and chips with extra mashed potatoes and gravy and a side order of peas?"
"Eleven cents," says the bartender.
The customer says he's going to recommend this place to all of his friends because of the low prices. "Wow!" he exclaims. "Where's the manager so I can thank him for these low prices and shake his hand?"
"Upstairs," says the bartender, "with my wife."
"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" the customer asks.
"Same thing I'm doing to his bar and his money," the bartender calmly replies.
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3 advantages of getting a 50$ note tatooed on your penis:
1. You can play with your money.
2. You can see your money grow.
3. Your woman can blow as much money as she wants.
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Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: Because they think we care.
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p.s. ^^
i am not down with sexism
thought it was funny tough
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last one....
a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to him
bartender asks : " why do you have that attached ?"
pirate says : " I don't know, but it's driving me nuts! "
"That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.
"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.
The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.
"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."
"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."
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------------------
-----------------
----------------
A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody"
His customer answers in a slurred voice "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis."
"Oh come on" replies the bartender.
The customer then says "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."
He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.
The bartender bends down and looks closely and says "Why this is just a cigar".
The customer looks puzzled and says "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says " See that".
The bartender again inspects it closely and says "You asshole that's just another cigar."
Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says "Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!"
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------------------
------------------
A man went into a bar and ordered several shots of vodka. By the time the bar was closing, he was wasted. He got up to leave and fell flat on his face. "Well, I don't want the bartender to think I'm drunk, so I'll pretend I tripped and I'll try it again." So he gets up and falls on his face. "Well, the door's not too far away; I'll just crawl." When he gets outside he thinks, "Well, I only live 4 blocks away; I can make it that far." So he stands up and falls on his face. He decides he'll try it 1 block at a time, and at every block he falls flat on his face. Finally he makes it home, stands up and falls on the bed. In the morning his wife wakes him up. "You were drunk again last night, weren't you?" "How did you know?" "The bartender called. He said you left your wheelchair at the bar."
--------------------
--------------------
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a glass of beer, and the bartender says, "That'll be four cents, please."
The guy nearly spits out his beer. "Four cents?!" he says in amazement. "How much for a plate of fish and chips with extra mashed potatoes and gravy and a side order of peas?"
"Eleven cents," says the bartender.
The customer says he's going to recommend this place to all of his friends because of the low prices. "Wow!" he exclaims. "Where's the manager so I can thank him for these low prices and shake his hand?"
"Upstairs," says the bartender, "with my wife."
"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" the customer asks.
"Same thing I'm doing to his bar and his money," the bartender calmly replies.
--------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------
3 advantages of getting a 50$ note tatooed on your penis:
1. You can play with your money.
2. You can see your money grow.
3. Your woman can blow as much money as she wants.
---------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------
Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: Because they think we care.
-------------------------------------------------
p.s. ^^
i am not down with sexism
thought it was funny tough
------------------------------------------------
last one....
a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to him
bartender asks : " why do you have that attached ?"
pirate says : " I don't know, but it's driving me nuts! "
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a guy walks into a bar and gets him a beer, on the table there was a jar of money and the guy asked the bartender what it was for. the bartender said there is a horse out back if you can make him laugh that jar is yours......so the guy walks out back comes back in and the bartender hears the horse laughing like hell and the guy gets the jar......the next day the guy comes back and gets him a beer and theres another jar of money on the table so the guy asks the bartender whats the contest today, and the bartender explains today if you can make the horse cry you get the jar......so the guy walks out to the horse comes back in and the bartender hears the horse crying. the bartender says here the jar please tell me one thing how did you do it? the guy replies well the first night i told the horse my dick was bigger than his and he started laughing, tonight i showed him my dick and he started crying!
During church service a man starts to confess his sins. The Preacher says "Tell it all brother, tell it all!"
The man says "I've stolen money from my brother".
The preacher says "Tell it all brother, tell it all!"
The man says "I've committed adultery and I want to tell my wife I'm sorry."
The preacher says "Tell it all brother, tell it all!"
Then the man says "I fucked a goat."
The preacher says "I don't believe I would of told that..."
The man says "I've stolen money from my brother".
The preacher says "Tell it all brother, tell it all!"
The man says "I've committed adultery and I want to tell my wife I'm sorry."
The preacher says "Tell it all brother, tell it all!"
Then the man says "I fucked a goat."
The preacher says "I don't believe I would of told that..."
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A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint of bitter. The bartender serves him his drink and says"what's with the long face"
A bear walks into a bar and and eats a huge chunk of the bar. The bartender says" I am sorry but we do not serve customers on drugs" The bear replies "What, how do you know I am on drugs?" The bartender says "Easy because of the bar bit you ate"
A bear walks into a bar and and eats a huge chunk of the bar. The bartender says" I am sorry but we do not serve customers on drugs" The bear replies "What, how do you know I am on drugs?" The bartender says "Easy because of the bar bit you ate"
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a double gin and tonic. The bartender says "Sorry but we don't serve food here"
A penguin walks into a bar and walks up to the bartender and asks him " Have you seen my brother?" The bartender replies " I don't know what does he look like?"
Two nuns in a bath one says "Where's the soap" The other one says "Yes it does"
A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a double gin and tonic. The bartender says "Sorry but we don't serve food here"
A penguin walks into a bar and walks up to the bartender and asks him " Have you seen my brother?" The bartender replies " I don't know what does he look like?"
Two nuns in a bath one says "Where's the soap" The other one says "Yes it does"
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bump
Knock knock?
Knock knock?
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."
Ole goes to a bar to meet his friend, Sven. He spies Sven sittin' at da bar, with a dog underneath his chair. Ole says, "Hey, Sven, does your dog bite?" "No, Ole," says Sven, "he don't. "Well, kin I pet da dog?" "Sure, says Sven."Ole reaches down to pet the dog, and the dog bites him on the hand! "Hey," says Ole, "why'd yer dog bite me?!" "Oh," says Ole, "that ain't my dog."
A parasite walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says "we don't serve your kind here". The parasite stands to leave and says "you're a piss-poor host".
Ok ok, a handful of bacteria slither into a bar and the barkeep tells them they aren't welcome. One of the bacterium speaks up and says "But we're staph".
Ok ok, a handful of bacteria slither into a bar and the barkeep tells them they aren't welcome. One of the bacterium speaks up and says "But we're staph".
An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, made up of an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman.
He walks up and says “I’m the best musician in the world. I can play any instrument you like”.
So the English guy goes “Alright then. Play this” and hands him a guitar. The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone and hands him back the guitar.
The Irishman says “Okay, how about this?” and shows him to the piano. The octopus sits down and plays it like never before – better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John. The best pianist ever.
Finally, the Scotsman says “Alright, let’s see ya play this then” and hands him a set of bagpipes.
The octopus looks at them and fumbles with them. Couple more minutes and he’s still struggling and there’s no sound coming out. A few more minutes goes by and still nothing so the Scotsman says “Oh, so can you not play it then?”
And the octopus says “Play it? I’m gonna fuck her when I get her pyjamas off”
He walks up and says “I’m the best musician in the world. I can play any instrument you like”.
So the English guy goes “Alright then. Play this” and hands him a guitar. The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone and hands him back the guitar.
The Irishman says “Okay, how about this?” and shows him to the piano. The octopus sits down and plays it like never before – better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John. The best pianist ever.
Finally, the Scotsman says “Alright, let’s see ya play this then” and hands him a set of bagpipes.
The octopus looks at them and fumbles with them. Couple more minutes and he’s still struggling and there’s no sound coming out. A few more minutes goes by and still nothing so the Scotsman says “Oh, so can you not play it then?”
And the octopus says “Play it? I’m gonna fuck her when I get her pyjamas off”
