The struggles of a grower...

[Snype]

I need a place to vent. I have no grow threads so I figured I'd start a thread to write down my thoughts in hopes to get my mind in order. I'm very frustrated because I'm stuck alone in the middle of no where with no one to help me in any way. I've eaten 4 banana's in the past 4 days. I'm very unhealthy and it's very hard keeping my mind together. I haven't had a license in many years. They are making me jump through hoops but no matter how many hoops that I jump through, they give me more hoops. I didn't do anything wrong for them to take my license. I believe it's due to me not being part of the system. It sucks. I have such huge opportunities that most people don't have but I'm running out of energy. All the people that I know are still out playing in life. To me they are just wasting away. I don't understand why people want to go out and waste all their money having fun when they can be apart of something bigger and retire early. There's so much work to do at the farm and not enough time in the day for me to get it all done. I also have another operation to build.

I'm in a dark place. I'm very depressed. I think I have cabin fever. I haven't left the farm in months. I have no way to leave. The work never stops. My mind is playing games on me. I've always had personality disorders in the past and i'm bipolar. There's so much more that I want to say but I can't keep my thoughts together. I have to try my best to hold it together. I have to remember my past struggles and try and find some motivation. I feel like I'm in jail. I haven't seen the sun in weeks. This wasn't in the plan. I'm going to try and smoke a joint in hope that I can find some motivation to pull forward.

 

[ELBURRO]

Dam homey stay strong. Maybe think about getting your self a dog(Labrador ) I know when I a have been down my dog helps me. I also have felt some what what you are talking about when I first moved by my self to the woods. If you need to talk p m me.

 

[wantaknow]

stay strong bro ,are you short on cash ?is this why you are not eating?,i wish there was something I could do to help,just keep working set short term goals ,day to day stuff make a list and check it off when each thing is completed ,....

 

[willyweed]

hey snype,
sorry to hear about your problems ! sounds like you need some help,or more help? could you not scale back things to get some much needed time out.sounds like you need a holiday!
banana's are very good for you ,but you need to eat more than that in 4 days
i hope you find your way out of the dark place soon! all the best.ww

 

[Coconutz]

Wheres Ms Snype?
Id be missing that too homie!

 

[justpassnthru]

Wheres Ms Snype?
Id be missing that too homie!

Get a puppy and start taking it for walks. You need the sunlight to help get you out of this depressed state; like everything, this will pass too!

With your reported medical history, you sound like you are in serious trouble..emotionally. Stop using any 'couchlock' strains and THC Bomb has been the best mood enhancer or elevating strain I've tried.

The best advice I've read about anything was this!

norcal_sourD
To quote Dora in Finding Nemo "Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming"

hope you find peace sooner than later Jpt.

You sound like you aged overnight? What happened?
jpt

 

[Snype]

Dam homey stay strong. Maybe think about getting your self a dog(Labrador ) I know when I a have been down my dog helps me. I also have felt some what what you are talking about when I first moved by my self to the woods. If you need to talk p m me.

Thanks! Animals don't help me in any way. I don't really know why I'm feeling the way that I am. I don't think it's a new thing. I think I'm usually manic throughout the year and then I have these episodes of depression or whatever it is. I usually feel on top of the world. Probably not in a good way. Cannabis has been my form of medication throughout the years. It seems to help bring me down to earth and realize my faults. I'm starting to feel old and evaluate my life more and maybe it's causing something. I'm really not sure. I'm kind of in a place right now like I hate everyone that I know. I can't relate to anyone in the real world as of now. I feel like I can relate better to people on this site which is weird because it isn't something you can see or touch. I don't know if you know what I'm talking about. It's like the reality of the past real life of a lot of people around me, seemed like it was fake or they were painting pictures. I don't know. It's like the guys that I know from the past are in their 40's or late 30's and still at the bar chasing girls or just fucking around. It's more complicated than this though. Some of these people are somewhere in the equation of the business in some level. There's lots of opportunity for some of these people but they don't take it seriously and then I'm the asshole. I don't know how you guys do it. For me someone has to be around to deal with the MOMs 365 days a year. Someone has to be in the operation at all times because something can go wrong. A fire can happen or a flood and bring the police or fire to your grow and create much bigger problems. It has all happened to me before in the past. There's also the MOMs. I've lost traits in my MOMs back in the day from not caring about them and I don't want to lose any traits in my current MOMs as well. But all this is besides the point. I'm just losing the point of what I'm even doing. Why I'm even doing this the way that I am. Where am I going. Maybe these thoughts are normal at my age considering I'm going to be 40 sometime in the near future. Maybe the isolation and diet is helping to intensify my thoughts. I'm just losing focus lately for some reason. Maybe I need a vacation.

 

[Bobbles]

I need a place to vent. I have no grow threads so I figured I'd start a thread to write down my thoughts in hopes to get my mind in order. I'm very frustrated because I'm stuck alone in the middle of no where with no one to help me in any way. I've eaten 4 banana's in the past 4 days. I'm very unhealthy and it's very hard keeping my mind together. I haven't had a license in many years. They are making me jump through hoops but no matter how many hoops that I jump through, they give me more hoops. I didn't do anything wrong for them to take my license. I believe it's due to me not being part of the system. It sucks. I have such huge opportunities that most people don't have but I'm running out of energy. All the people that I know are still out playing in life. To me they are just wasting away. I don't understand why people want to go out and waste all their money having fun when they can be apart of something bigger and retire early. There's so much work to do at the farm and not enough time in the day for me to get it all done. I also have another operation to build.

I'm in a dark place. I'm very depressed. I think I have cabin fever. I haven't left the farm in months. I have no way to leave. The work never stops. My mind is playing games on me. I've always had personality disorders in the past and i'm bipolar. There's so much more that I want to say but I can't keep my thoughts together. I have to try my best to hold it together. I have to remember my past struggles and try and find some motivation. I feel like I'm in jail. I haven't seen the sun in weeks. This wasn't in the plan. I'm going to try and smoke a joint in hope that I can find some motivation to pull forward.

There is nothing down the line that gets any better. Enjoy your younger years to the best of your ability. Enjoy each and every day.

Depressions sucks, smoke more. If you are smoking more, stop smoking for a month, then continue smoking.

Life sucks, its not all sunshine and rainbows. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. When you have a bad day, know that good day is right around the corner.

Do something new and different asap. Find a new hobby, go hike somewhere, go to the park, just don't sit around and stew. When it all seems lost, chances are you are making personal progress... Ive been where you are, it's not fun. People care.

 

[IGROWMYOWN]

have you thought about calling snypette? not trying to be funny or anything but you sounded much better with her around.

 

[Treetroit City]

I hope you find the light here shortly. For me it always comes before I get too stupid, I hope it does for you as well.

Think about that duck...

 

[Snype]

stay strong bro ,are you short on cash ?is this why you are not eating?,i wish there was something I could do to help,just keep working set short term goals ,day to day stuff make a list and check it off when each thing is completed ,....

I'm not short on anything. I'm not eating because can't find the motivation to cook after doing all the plant work. I'm just trying to focus on 1 task at a time.

hey snype,
sorry to hear about your problems ! sounds like you need some help,or more help? could you not scale back things to get some much needed time out.sounds like you need a holiday!
banana's are very good for you ,but you need to eat more than that in 4 days
i hope you find your way out of the dark place soon! all the best.ww

I think part of the problem is that I wasn't mentally prepared for this grow like I was in the past. Mentally I was only going to do a certain small percentage of the work and then that changed. You guys don't know the full story about what is going on but other people are also getting paid without doing any work at all. This wasn't supposed to happen. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of and none of this was in the plan at all. It's a very complicated situation and there's a lot of money on the line and I'm the only one invested. No one wants my information to learn how to take care of the grow so I can go take care of my head. I lost part of my vision in one of my eyes about 3 years ago and am starting to lose some of my other eye due to an eye condition that I have called CSR which they think is caused by stress. I ran operations most of my life by myself but it was planned that way. I was prepared for it. The past few years other people have wanted to get involved in some way and it made sense to me so I don't have to be a slave to the grow but no one ever worked out because no one cared about the grow. It's just how it is.

 

[Snype]

Hey snype. Me and you have a bit in common from what I have gathered over the past few months. I know the dark place all too well. In fact not but 60 days ago I was borderline suicidal thinking I'd be broke and homeless. Then some crops came in and money came in and now life is good. Problem is I know in a few months I'll be questioning why I hang out in this life. At least I recognize the cycles now.

The difference between us at the moment is I have a great wife that will tell me to pull me head outta my ass and convince me that all is well. I trust that she is right and she never waivers from that attitude that life is good.

Sucks you let a good friend(from what I gather)go. Sounds like she is what you need.

I hope you find the light here shortly. For me it always comes before I get too stupid, I hope it does for you as well.

Think about that duck...

This has nothing to do with Snypette or money. The more money that I make, the more depressed that I am. I can relate to what you are saying. I've been to many bad places mentally in my head. In my manic states I feel invincible. I can do anything. I'm sure I could have been scary to some people in the past. I'm usually more manic than depressed. In my past I've been depressed for 1 or 2 months where I can't even get out of bed. That's kind of like how I feel currently. I'm just trying to find a way to snap out of this as quick as I can. Small tasks at a time.

 

[Snype]

There is nothing down the line that gets any better. Enjoy your younger years to the best of your ability. Enjoy each and every day.

Depressions sucks, smoke more. If you are smoking more, stop smoking for a month, then continue smoking.

Life sucks, its not all sunshine and rainbows. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. When you have a bad day, know that good day is right around the corner.

Do something new and different asap. Find a new hobby, go hike somewhere, go to the park, just don't sit around and stew. When it all seems lost, chances are you are making personal progress... Ive been where you are, it's not fun. People care.

You make a lot of sense. I have a hard time thinking the way that you do but it makes a lot of sense. The problem is that nothing is fun to me right now. I've been like this before in the past and would just spend as much as I could trying to have fun but was never able to find it. That's one of my problems right now. First I have to figure out what I'm working for. What my goals and objectives are. I see the older people around me in their 60's and up who did not prepare for their future and they don't seem too happy with life. I feel like you have to plan things and if you plan right, you can have less stress in this type of world later in life.

 

[Snype]

One of the things about me, is that I like to talk about what is going on, what my thoughts are. Things like this. But most of the people that I know from the past are not like this and they don't like it. I don't have anyone in real life that I can relate to and I need that type of stimulation in my life for some reason. I know that I'm supposed to be growing but there's supposed to be something else as well. That's what I'm trying to grasp. I come from a family that likes to hide things. Anything bad that happens never happened. I don't feel good about this type of thing. I feel like life is supposed to be a learning experience and we as humans can learn from each other. Talking with you guys has helped me somewhat. I'm feeling a little better talking about this. It's really may be so simple. The world that I know is a strange place but I think the little things in life that are so important end up getting lost to all the candy that they are feeding.

In reality I may be forgetting my plan. My goals. I had them but they were lost. I think I put my life on hold for a couple more years. That's what I did and now I have to find a way to keep it together. If that is possible. I think it will be but I have to settle down mentally and establish a better routine. Being on plant time may have helped to affect my mind.

I do think I need to take a step back soon and figure some other things out in my head. Maybe take a vacation somewhere and try and figure it all out as fast as I can. Maybe I shouldn't even have a plan for a while. Maybe the plan is too stressful for me this time. I like the idea of going out in nature. Maybe take a vacation where there are not a lot of people and nice scenery. In the past none of this really helped my mind. I usually just snap out of it sometime and go back to trying to take over the world.

This thread is helping to teach me that I may have some issues and need to get them fixed somehow. Maybe some of the ways that I've been thinking are wrong. I'm not sure. I'm going to try and keep an open mind and try and figure it out. I think as humans somehow we depend on each other in some way.

 

[jackpot7]

Bro you have cabin fever been there done that... Get someone to come get you get out for a day... I know what working 30 hours straight no sleep no food can do to ur brain you revert back to survival mode... respect

 

[mojave green]

You make a lot of sense. I have a hard time thinking the way that you do but it makes a lot of sense. The problem is that nothing is fun to me right now. I've been like this before in the past and would just spend as much as I could trying to have fun but was never able to find it. That's one of my problems right now. First I have to figure out what I'm working for. What my goals and objectives are. I see the older people around me in their 60's and up who did not prepare for their future and they don't seem too happy with life. I feel like you have to plan things and if you plan right, you can have less stress in this type of world later in life.

enjoy the moment young man...

get yourself a mountain bike and start riding. exercise and scenery away from the farm. good luck!
mg

 

[Snype]

Bro you have cabin fever been there done that... Get someone to come get you get out for a day... I know what working 30 hours straight no sleep no food can do to ur brain you revert back to survival mode... respect

You're probably right. That's what's probably going on. My schedule has also been real fucked up and I haven't been eating and have just been chain smoking cigs. I think there's a few problems going on in my life but they are being blown up more in my head maybe due to this cabin fever and whatever emotional problems that I already have. I'm basically stuck here for another 7 days or so. I'm just going to have to figure out how to deal with this. Going outside in the middle of nowhere in the cold sucks. I don't see how that could be fun. I think the best thing for me to do is to get off the internet and get my work done so I can think about how to deal with the other problems in my life that are going on and prepare myself mentally for my newest plan. I didn't just work my ass off for nothing and I have to remember this. Thanks for trying to help me with my struggles. IC has really been a great place to go to in this type of life that I chose. I can't even think how my life would have turned out without it. It would be much different I would think. The site has helped make me become a better person than I think I would have been without it on some level. I thank this site for that.

 

[Crocodile OG]

Ive been exactly where you are right now mate. Its part of the life we have chosen.

You need a holiday. Doesnt have to be too long. If money is no problem then the worst that can happen is you lose your mother plants. If you use rockwool and take cuts and dome them you have at least 10 days to play with. That way even if there is a total disaster and you lose the flower room you have only lost a crop not your prop stock.

Is there someone you can trust to check on things for you? Is there a way that you can rig up your grow to be remote controlled for a little bit? Wemo switches can be turned on via the net for watering and you could get a few net cams to keep an eye on things.

Even if its for a few days or a weekend you need to get some stimulation or you will go crazy. Go to a titty bar or on a shopping spree or whatever it is you like to do.

Growing isnt everything. 99% maybe but you need to at least have that 1% for you.

Were here for you bro.

 

[Crocodile OG]

PS your lollipop tutorial is awesome. Thank you!!!

 

[Snype]

Yeah you guys are right. I need to find time to do other things. Thank you for helping me to see that. I wasn't really thinking about these things. I've just been keeping tight plant schedules and not finding time for myself. Maybe when I get to my new location I can do less crops per year to get out more and do some other things. I don't know why I have to be so extreme. I'm feeling much better!