The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Weezard]

I like nerd jokes.

At catholic services a priest was puzzled by a brightly glowing, loudly humming, blue dot hovering over the confessional.

Fearing demons, he held out his cross and shouted, "Begone!"

"Huh? Why?" asked Dottie.

"Because I don't think that you belong here." said the priest.

"Nonsense!" it replied.
"I'm a Higgs Boson.
You can't have mass without me."



Yay nerds!

 

[LEF]

cause we all need to laugh

 

[Hank Hemp]

Old one

 

[Iffy]

As you're all in a philosophical mood;
How about the age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is much more painful than having a baby and here is the reason for my conclusion;
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

 

[Hank Hemp]

Girls always say"you forget the pain". Wrong, you don't. You always remember. And that's no joke.

 

[Iffy]

My kids keep taking the piss out of my Alzheimer's.

It won't be so fucking funny when they wake up Christmas morning and there's no eggs under the fucking bonfire!!!

 

[Harry Gypsna]

As you're all in a philosophical mood;
How about the age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is much more painful than having a baby and here is the reason for my conclusion;
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

The version I posted compared childbirth to catching your cock in your zip. "You women all go back for another kid, but when we catch our cock in our zip once, we get mum to put buttons on our trousers."

 

[supermanlives]

heard this one jim carey playing lodka sp? why did Siamese twins go to England, so the other one could drive . hope I didn't offend any Siamese twin members.

 

[5th]

That's not what it's for! Give Frosty back his pipe, Mayor Ford!

 

[Weezard]

Hinckley Prison Release



You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in 1981. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster and, in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.



There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley. We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady:







To: John Hinckley



From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan



My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting Ronnie. We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.



Best wishes,

Nancy Reagan & Family



P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

 

[MJBadger]

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

Beauty , top marks on that one .

 

[Stonefree69]

As you're all in a philosophical mood;
How about the age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is much more painful than having a baby and here is the reason for my conclusion;
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

LOL that should be in Deep Stoner Thoughts thread. Let me tell you though NOTHING touches a tooth ache that needs a root canal. Guarantee you'll be in the fetal position, pain is a 10+ and I've felt some pain in my days. I've heard people say passing a stone is worse too.

 

[MrKeebler]

So my buddy Jim was telling me that his wife wanted to do something special for his birthday, so she decided to take him to a strip club. Well, when they got there Jim and his wife are walking up and the guy at the door says "Hey, Jim! How ya been?" He says good, and when they get inside the wife goes off, "What the hell was that? You said you never come here." He just says "Chill out, that's one of the guys I play football with." So they go sit at the bar and the bartender says "The usual, Jim?" Jim looks at his wife and says "I swear honey, he's in my dart league." His wife says "Yeah, okay. Whatever." So then a stripper walks up and says "Heya Jim, how ya been?" His wife grabs him by the arm, dragging him out of the club screaming at him "What the hell Jim, I cannot believe you lied to me." Jim didn't say anything, so him and his wife got in the cab sitting outside, the driver looks into the rear view window and says "Ohoho, looks like you're taking home an ugly one tonight!"

 

[Weezard]

If "Jim" had just paid attention to his fairy tales. . .

A MALE FAIRY TALE:
>>
>> Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"

The Princess said, "No!!!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank Crown Royal whiskey, Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Captain Morgan
and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work.
And all his friends and family thought he was friggin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
>>
>> The End

 

[Stonefree69]

Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Newfie replied, 'These are Carol’s.'



_____

 

[noyd666]

hell yer way to go lol.

 

[Stonefree69]

If "Jim" had just paid attention to his fairy tales. . .

A MALE FAIRY TALE:
>>
>> Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"

The Princess said, "No!!!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank Crown Royal whiskey, Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Captain Morgan
and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work.
And all his friends and family thought he was friggin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
>>
>> The End

 

[5th]

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

 

[Iffy]

Misdirection
A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed – as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. She became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
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“Well,” He replied, “I'm in the pub next door to that and I'll see you in about an hour sweetie."

 

[Iffy]

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

Youth & enthusiasm are no match for age & treachery!