The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Harry Lime]

I went to the optician's today. He said, "Mr Green, you have to stop masturbating".

I said, "Why? Is it making me blind?"

He said, "No, it's upsetting everyone in the waiting room".

 

[Weezard]

Bad advice.

My therapist assured me that masturbation is normal, popular, and healthy.

I believed her, until they threw me off the bus.

 

[Hank Hemp]

Stop the whining.

Stop the whining.

I wasn't whining.....I was Whinging. Get it straight. Yorkshiremen do not Whine, we whinge, we moan, we may even grumble, but we do not whine.

I had to say it couldn't help myself.

 

[Stoner4Life]

The birds & the bees.

A woman and her 10 year old son were riding in a taxi in New York . It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mom " said the boy, "what are all these women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replies.

The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez, lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, kid! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

With a straight face, she said; "Most of them become taxi drivers."

love the joke ~~~ a real zinger!!!

But as a taxi driver I just can't rep it ........

 

[Harry Gypsna]

They say "My enemies enemy is my friend."
What if your enemy, is his own worst enemy?

 

[Stonefree69]

They say "My enemies enemy is my friend."
What if your enemy, is his own worst enemy?

If you had a friend like that, why would you need an enemy?

 

[twistedthreads]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even…

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

 

[Canniwhatsis]

CROW KILLS (Ken Jaffe)


Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found
over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there
was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird
Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to
everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT
Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying
colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By
analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the
crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were
killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if
there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck
kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

 

[Midnite Toker]

O.k. so this is probably my favorite joke, all time. Negative rep me if you've heard it before.
These two old pastors were getting closer and closer to retirement. They decide to take a trip up north fishing just to get a taste of the life they will soon enjoy. Neither one had ever fished so they hired a guide. On the 1st morning, one of the pastors hooked into a large Walleye. As he was netting the fish, the guide exclaims "what a nice sonofabitch" The 1st pastor said "now wait a minute, we dont talk that way, we're pastors" The guide said "it's ok, thats fisherman talk. A big fish is a sonofabitch" The two old pastors talk it over and decide it is ok. If they were gonna be fisherman they would talk like fisherman. The rest of the day when a fish was caught it was "what a big sonofabitch" and "thats a nice sonofabitch" till they limited out. Back at home they're preparing a fish fry. One pastor says to the other, "ya know it's only right that we invite the new vicar over to share this blessing". Later at dinner the 1st old pastor bites into a fillet and says "wow, what a good sonofabitch" the second chimes in "yes this sure is a tasty sonofabitch" The new vicar overjoyed blurts out "I just new I was gonna like you two old fuckers"
~mT

 

[Harry Gypsna]

What were Bob Marleys favourite donuts??
the ones wi jam in

 

[LEF]

Lucky Frog

I took a day off from work to play golf. I was on the fourth hole, when I discovered a small frog sitting on the green. I paid it no attention until I heard, "Ribbit. 9-iron."

That's curious, I thought, but decided to trust the frog. I pulled out a 9-iron and sunk a hole-in-one.

Amazed, I picked up the frog and asked where we should go next. "Ribbit. Vegas."

We went to Vegas, and I asked the frog what we should do first. "Ribbit. Roulette."

We went up to the roulette table, and I won big. I took my earnings and got the best room in the hotel. I asked the frog if there was anything I could do to repay it. "Ribbit. Kiss me."

I figured, what the hell, and I kissed the frog. It turned into a 15-year-old girl. That's how she ended up in my room, your Honor, and if I'm lying, my name's not R. Kelly

 

[LEF]

The Army Hospital

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:

"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

 

[LEF]

Oranges

A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know. One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.
Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. ''Why are you standing in line, dear?'' she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. ''Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself,'' said the grandma.
A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, ''Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?''
Grandma replied, ''Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!''

 

[LEF]

Two Black Eyes for a Favor

A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.

The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.

"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."



Blonde Bank Robber

Q: How do you tell if a bank robber is blonde?

A: She ties up the safe and blows the guard.

 

[LEF]

Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?

She heard the drinks were on the house.

 

[LEF]

Oh I just noticed something. The display under the username, where it says the number of posts. It doesn't update on the older posts. So only the newest post shows the accurate posting number.



How do you know a blonde's having a bad day?

Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

 

[LEF]

When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals and said in a demanding voice:

"Listen up kids! There will be NO sex on this trip. Not even the wetting of the tip of your penis. All of you males, take off your penises and hand them to Jim the Monkey. He will write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."

After about a week, Mr. Rabbit ran over to his wife and very excitedly said, "Quick! Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window and said, "Sorry, no land yet."

"Shit!" shouted Mr. Rabbit and out he went.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him.

"What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water had drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?"

"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with an impatient look on his face as he held out a piece of paper. "I GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT!"

 

[LEF]

What is a Rodeofuck?

You start by screwing your wife doggie-style, then you put your hands on her shoulders then whisper in her ear that her sister is a better lay than her. Then try to hold on for 8 seconds.

 

[LEF]

Hunters Must Keep Quiet

Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time and reminds him to be still and keep quiet.

An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" says Joe.

"Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me," says Steve, "and I was quiet when the fox attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now, I heard one ask the other, 'Should we eat them now or take them with us?'"

 

[LEF]

Makin' Dem Cupcakes

One day a boy and his mother were watching Cinemax Late Nite, when they saw some people having sex.

"What are they doing, Mommy?"

"They're making cupcakes."

"Were you and Daddy making cupcakes on this couch last night?"

"Yes. How did you know?"

"Cuz I licked the frosting off this morning."