Thug Kitchen
EAT LIKE YOU GIVE A FUCK
EAT LIKE YOU GIVE A FUCK
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Next time someone tells you to eat more veggies, get down on these tiny motherfuckers. These low fat, high fiber sons of bitches are healthy as shit without sacrificing flavor. Trying to eat better? START WITH A FUCKING BURGER.
SMOKEY BEAN AND SPINACH SLIDERS
2 cups chopped fresh spinach
1 cup chopped onion
3 cups cooked kidney beans or 2-15 ounce can
1/2 cup cooked brown rice (use leftovers)
4 cloves of garlic, chopped all small and shit
1 tablespoon liquid smoke (like I said, it is near the BBQ sauce at the store I swear. You haven’t even looked yet so stop complaining. It is there)
2 teaspoon soy sauce or tamari
1 tablespoon smoked paprika
2 teaspoons oregano
1 ½ teaspoons ground cumin
black pepper to taste
1/2 cup whole wheat breadcrumbs (any breadcrumbs you have are fine. Got nothing? Just toast up some bread until it is almost burnt looking and real dry then grate them shits or put them in a food processor to get some tiny fucking crumbs. They help soak up all the liquid so don’t leave this shit out)
Warm the oven to 375 degrees and lightly grease a large baking sheet. You can throw down some foil and then grease it if you are a lazy fuck like me and hate doing dishes.
Add the spinach and onion to a food processor and pulse until they are in tiny-ass pieces. Add the kidney beans, rice, garlic, liquid smoke, soy sauce, and seasonings and pulse until everything is all mixed up. It’s fine if a few larger pieces of the beans hang around but you want this looking like kinda paste-like. Place the bean-spinach mixture into a medium bowl and add in the fucking breadcrumbs. This should be slightly sticky and hold nicely when you form it into a ball. If it is too wet, add more breadcrumbs. Taste it and add more spices and whatever until it tastes good to you. Can’t do that shit with ground beef.
No food processor? It’s all good. Just cut up the spinach and the onion extra tiny and add everything but breadcrumbs to a big bowl. Now pound on that shit until it looks like chunky mash potatoes. Then add the breadcrumbs and do all the other shit I say above.
Divide the mixture into 16 patties if you are making sliders or 8 patties if you are making regular burgers. Whateverthefuck you want to do. Place them on the baking sheet, spray them lightly with oil (slow your roll, I said LIGHTLY) and bake for 15 minutes or until the bottom is a crispy golden brown. Flip the patties and bake for 15 or until both sides look awesome. If you are doing full size burgers you might need to let the sides go 5 extra minutes. Let them cool for a few minutes before serving. Pile them high with red onion, avocado, whatever additional deliciousness you’ve got and chow the fuck down.
Makes 16 sliders or 8 regular patties -
You won’t be stressing this summer if you’re sipping on this tasty glass of general badassery. The antioxidant loaded in theses blackberries will make sure free radicals aren’t fucking up your day. And the bourbon? YOU EARNED THAT SHIT.
BLACKBERRY BOURBON FIZZ
5 blackberries
5 ice cubes
1 shot of bourbon
¾ cup cold ginger ale (none of that high fructose corn syrup, aspartame nonsense either. Get good shit that has fucking ginger root as an ingredient)
¼ cup cold club soda (optional)
Put the blackberries in the bottom of a tall glass and mash them around with a spoon. Keep some big chunks because it looks cool. Add the ice and then the bourbon, ginger ale, and club soda. I like adding club soda because it keeps it tasting refreshing as fuck but you can save some cash and just add more ginger ale. Garnish with fresh basil if you are trying to impress somebody.
Serves 1 but invite a fucking friend, no need to drink alone
We made this for our friend Dara over at Cosmo.com -
You can’t have a legit BBQ without a badass potato salad. But don’t be a dick and buy that nasty shit at the store. Make this instead; it is cheap as fuck and super easy. You can even leave it in the sun for a minute and it won’t get all gross like that potatomayo nonsense they try to pass off as a salad. People don’t deserve that basic, bland shit.
FRESH HERB POTATO SALAD
1 1/2 pounds of small red or Yukon gold potatoes
1 teaspoon Dijon mustard
3 tablespoons white wine vinegar
2 tablespoons lemon juice (about 1 lemons)
¼ cup extra virgin olive oil
2 cloves of garlic
1/3 cup shredded carrot (I used 1 normal-sized carrot. Don’t try to grate baby carrots; you will fuck your hand up)
¼ cup of chopped chives (you can use green onions to save some cash)
¼ cup chopped dill
salt and pepper
Cut your potatoes in half or until they are in pieces that you can actually put in your mouth. Nobody should need a knife to eat potato salad, that shit is fucked. Boil some water in a medium pot, add a pinch of salt, and the potatoes. Boil them until you can easily stab a fork through one, like 10-15 minutes depending on the size of your potatoes. If you cook them too long they start falling apart and your salad will be a fucking mess. Set a timer if your ass is easily distracted.
While the potatoes cook, cut up the garlic into a bunch of tiny pieces. Mix together the mustard, vinegar, lemon juice, oil, and garlic in a small glass. Drain the potatoes and put them in a large bowl. Add the dressing and toss it all together. Add the carrots, herbs, and a little salt and pepper and mix them in. Let the salad sit in the fridge for at least 30 minutes so that the potatoes can soak in all the flavor. If it looks dry after that then add a little more vinegar and olive oil and stir that bitch. Make this shit the day before you go somewhere and keep it in the fridge. Nobody will know the fucking difference.
Serves 4 as a side -
You don’t need a party to get down on some guacamole. Put it on a salad, taco, tostada, sandwich, whatever you want. Eat it with your hands. I don’t give a flying fuck. SNACK LIFE.
GRAPEFRUIT GUACAMOLE
5 ripe avocados
2 medium grapefruits or 1 big son of a bitch
¼ cup chopped cilantro
¼ cup chopped red onion
juice of 1 lime (about 2 tablespoons)
¼ teaspoon salt
Take the pit out of the avocados and scoop out all the green flesh into a large bowl. Mash it up with fork. I like my guacamole chunky but do what you gotta do. Cut the grapefruit up into segments like you would cut an orange. Remove the peel and cut the segments into pieces about the size of a nickel. Put all the grapefruit into the bowl with the avocado. Add the cilantro, red onion, lime juice, and salt and mix it all up. Taste it and add more shit until you like it. Serve immediately or chill it for a bit. I’m not gonna tell you how to eat guacamole, just follow your fucking heart.
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