The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Harry Gypsna]

In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.



In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

This ties in nicely with my (very quickly put down IC's memory hole) thread from yesterday about the dolphin masturbating with a dead fish. Apparently, dolphins prefer the intestines to remain where they are... You should've seen the look on that dolphins face..... dirty bastid.

 

[Harry Gypsna]

Post 2853 has been updated. Great new recipe, now with added Meme.

 

[Harry Gypsna]

If all economists in the world were laid out end to end, they still wouldn't reach a conclusion.

 

[Harry Gypsna]

A bloke goes to the jobcentre to sign on for his dole, and the drone behind the desk says "we have a job that may suit you!"
"Really." says the man, "What is it?"
"Quim trimmer, you'll be working for Mila Kunis, aqnd your responsibilities will include pruning her ladygarden!" says the drone.
"Fucking hell, great, what's the pay like, scratch that, I don't care, sign me up." Says the man.
"OK sir, are you available to be in Huddersfield on the 27th?" says the drone.
"Huddersfield?, I thought she lived in Hollywood." says the man.
And the drone says "Yes, she does, but Huddersfield's where the line for interviews starts."

 

[Harry Gypsna]

What do you get, if you cross Queen Elizabeth 2 and Prince Phillip?

Killed in a tunnel in Paris.






It's getting lonely in here

 

[Weezard]

Two wrong do not make a right.
But, three lefts do.

 

[Harry Gypsna]

A teacher has just been jailed for spreading semen on cookies and feeding them to the children in his class.
I played that trick on Santa once...Those Iced Mince pies--not icing.
How was I supposed to know that Mum and Dad are the ones who drink the milk and eat the mince pies.

 

[Iffy]

Sauce for the gander...

For two years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to see his reputation or his marriage ruined, he paid her a large sum of money to go back to Italy and secretly have the child. If she agreed to fly to Italy for the birth and to stay in Italy, to raise the child there. He would provide child support and transfer it to her Italian bank account until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and to write 'Spaghetti' on the back of it. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, nine months later he come home to his confused wife. "Honey!", she said "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh?" He said "Just give it to me darling and I will see what it says."
She watched as he read the card. His eyes flew open, he turned a deathly white and fainted on the spot.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti
Three with meatballs, two without...send extra sauce!

 

[Stonefree69]

Why did the cookie go see the doctor?


He felt crumby.

 

[Harry Gypsna]

The wedding day, bride and groom coming out of the chiurch having just sealed their union. after the confetti throwing and photos, the bride sees a dog sat in the churchyard licking it's balls. She points this out to her new hubby and says "I can't wait to do that love."
And the groom replies "Mind the **** doesn't bite you!"

 

[Stonefree69]

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says: "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

 

[5th]

After 40 years as a gynaecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?" The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."

 

[Useful Idiot]

Nancy Pelosi took her German Shepard to the vets under Obamacare
Vet ... "Why are you here?"
Nancy .." Every time I get naked and bend over to run some bath water he tries to mount me"
Vet ... "Oh I see your here to get him neutered"
Nancy ..."Ohhh No .. I'm here to get his nails trimmed"

 

[Harry Gypsna]

A man and his wife go to the doctor for a problem the man is experiencing. the doc examines the man then sits down and says "I need a Urine sample, a Semen sample, and an excrement sample!"
The man, being hard of hearing, says "Pardon"
and his wife says into his ear "He said leave your underpants at the front desk!"

 

[twistedthreads]

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They’re mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That’s a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs. " The little girl thought for a moment, then she stomped them flat and said "Well, it might be okay in California, Vermont, and New York, but we’re not having any of that shit in Texas."

 

[Pinnate]

An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman walk into a bar ─ the barman looks up and says; "Is this some kind of joke?"

 

[trichrider]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,
but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10..
where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room.
It's bigger than mine
and we can both fit there nicely."


Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies,

"Our allowance,
Jenny makes five bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed
Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce,
It seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have
little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."



Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

 

[Harry Gypsna]

not a joke per se, but a limerick, or what Christopher Hitchens called "Coarse verse".

There was a young hooker from Crewe,
who filled up her pussy with glue.
She observed with a grin,
that if they'll pay to get in,
they can pay to get out of it too.

and another

They say of the bishop of Birmingham,
that he buggers the boys while confirming em.
They kneel on the cassock,
He lifts up his Hassock,
and pumps his episcopal sperm in em.

 

[kaochiu]

Aussie pals:
- Listen, Dave, do you realize we are arguing when we could sort this out fist fighting?

 

[Weezard]

A daring young woman from Dallas
Used a dynamite stick as a phallus
They found her vagina in North Carolina
And her asshole in Buckingham palace