The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Stonefree69]

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."

 

[Iffy]

Paddy is in a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she is not wearing underwear.

The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow you a kiss." Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.

Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Paddy replies, "You’re fookin' kidding me, ya mean it can whistle, too??"

 

[MJBadger]

"You’re fookin' kidding me, ya mean it can whistle, too??"

That one made me chuckle .

 

[Harry Gypsna]

Did you hear the one about the Cannabis website that wanted to charge people 50 quid for some possibly important information.....

 

[Stonefree69]

New survey: about 5 in 4 people have trouble with fractions.

 

[Stonefree69]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

“Of course, my son,” said the priest.

“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”

“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.

“It’s worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,” continued the old man.

“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk – you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.

“Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”

“Of course, my son,” said the priest.

The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”

 

[5th]

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City.
The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why dont big planes have baby planes? The mother, who couldnt think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why dont big planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" He said that she had.
With a clever grin, she said, "Tell your mother its because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."

 

[Iffy]

The Wife's Affair

A husband returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and voilà, there is his wife in bed with another man ! The husband puts a gun to the
naked man's head.

The wife shouts, “Don't do it ! I lied when I told you I inherited money, “He paid for the Porsche I gave you, he paid for our new cabin cruiser, he paid for your football season tickets, he paid for our house at the lake, he paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation, he paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues !”

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun, he looks over at the cabby and says,

“What would you do?”

The cabby replies, “I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold and dies of pneumonia.”

 

[Stonefree69]

 

[Midnight Tokar]

View Image

Dang.............!

 

[exploziv]

What kind of bees make milk instead of honey? Boobies.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it has a silent pee.

What did the little fish say when he swam into a wall? DAM!

Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer, the bartender says sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.

What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull? – Lipstick!

A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables…the bartender says, buddy, I’ll serve you as long as you don’t start anything.

How does Jesus make tea???? Hebrews it.

Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says “gosh, it’s hot in here”. The other muffin screams “AAAH!! A talking muffin!”

What’s the difference between a straight woman and a bisexual woman? 4 drinks.

What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef stroganoff.

3 old ladies in a park. A man walks up and opens his trench to reveal his naked self … The first old lady has a stroke and the second old lady has a stroke. The third one can’t cause her arm isn’t long enough.

 

[Eighths-n-Aces]

a cop pulls a woman over and asks for license and registration. he goes to his car and come back within 30 seconds to give her her paperwork back and says "have a nice day"

the woman asks why she got pulled over and the cop says "i noticed the cute little fish and the anti abortion sticker on the car right before that woman cut you off. when i saw the finger gestures and heard what you were yelling out the window at her i figured the car had to be stolen ..........guess not ....... have a nice day"

 

[Weezard]

Pooter humor

Pooter humor




Attempting to Set A New Password:

Website: Sorry that password has expired - you must register a new one.

User: Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?

Website: No, but your password has expired - you must get a new one.

User: Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty good?

Website: Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.

User: Can I use the old one and just re-register it?

Website: No, you must get a new one.

User: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.

Website: Sorry, you must get a new one.

User: OK, roses

Website: Sorry you must use more letters.

User: OK, pretty roses

Website: No good, you must use at least one number.

User: OK, 1 pretty rose

Website: Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.

User: OK, 1prettyrose

Website: Sorry, you must use additional letters.

User: OK, 1fuckingprettyrose

Website: Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.

User: OK, 1FUCKINGprettyrose

Website: Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.

User: OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose

Website: Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.

User: OK, 1FUCKINGprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow

Website: Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used

 

[Stonefree69]

Attempting to Set A New Password:

 

[Harry Gypsna]

One day, the farmers son runs up to him, holding a baby lamb.
"Dad, Dad, what shall we call this one Dad?" shouts the boy.
"Nothing son, never name something you might have to kill." Says the farmer "Now run along boy 2, and tell girl 1 to get the kettle on"

 

[Harry Gypsna]

I entered 10 puns in a competition to see which one would win.
No pun in ten did.

 

[Stonefree69]

A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club.

About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected.

He went to the club to inquire as to why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.

Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?

Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.

Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?

Scot: Aye, and neither do I.

Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?

Scot: Aye, I also do the same.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?

Scot: Aye, I be that, too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting
in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.

Scot: Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.
And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus.
But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!

 

[Stonefree69]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”

Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”

“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”

“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”

 

[Iffy]

Whilst were on to old timers..... Old age isn't for wimps...but it beats dying young.

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
walking with his legs

spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry
Syndrome. Those people walk just
like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has
Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly
and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached
him and one of the
students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice
the way you walk, but we
couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it
is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine
medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought.... But you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought... But you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS... But I was wrong, too!"

 

[longearedfriend]

good one, took me a second to get it