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The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

Iffy

Iffy

Nil Illegitimus Carburundum
ICMag Donor
Veteran
Chapter Two.

I was in Starbuck`s yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.

The music was really loud so craftily, I timed my fart with the beat of the music. I nailed it and it made me smile as I sipped my coffee. My stomach rumbled and a load more farts joggled for position. So with some small amount of concentration, I managed to synchopate them with the drum beat. I was quite pleased with myself and was already feeling better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me… WTF??
I suddenly realised that I was listening to my iPod!!

That's what happens when old people start using technology !
 
Harry Gypsna

Harry Gypsna

Dirty hippy Bastard
Veteran
I got banned from the public swimming pool today.
Apparently pissing in the pool isn't "The done thing".

Mind you, it was from the top diving board.
 
dansbuds

dansbuds

Retired from the workforce Bullshit
ICMag Donor
Veteran
found a good one today :)

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing

:biggrin:
 
Weezard

Weezard

Hawaiian Inebriatti
Veteran
Subject: Buying a gun...




There was a bit of confusion at the Cabela's Sporting Goods store this
morning. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and
bullets... the cashier said,

"Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control
whackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out
that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the
card-reader.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make
their instructions to us seniors a little clearer !

I STILL DON'T THINK I LOOKED THAT BAD......
 
Stonefree69

Stonefree69

Veg & Flower Station keeper
Veteran
PhenoMenal said:
WHY DID THE SCARECROW GET A PAYRISE?

BECAUSE HE WAS OUTSTANDING IN HIS FIELD
Click to expand...
This farmer's out standing in his field and got no promotion...

IMG_0600.thumbnail.jpg


I'm out standing in my field and don't need a promotion. :)
 
Last edited:
Stonefree69

Stonefree69

Veg & Flower Station keeper
Veteran
A married couple went to have their baby delivered...
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
However as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point, they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic...
When they got home, they found the cook dead in the kitchen...
 
Midnight Tokar

Midnight Tokar

Member
Veteran
Pumpkin question.

Pumpkin question.



Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
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A: Pumpkin pi.
 
Iffy

Iffy

Nil Illegitimus Carburundum
ICMag Donor
Veteran
One for the 'mature' among us.....

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.

Oprah asked, 'Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are
always working, and at your age I think that is remarkable.'
George Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when
I do it.'
Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'
George said, 'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.
Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man. Would you do it with me?'

So they have sex and when they finished, Oprah said, 'I just don't believe I have never been so satisfied. You are a remarkable man!'
George replies laconically, 'The second time is even better than the first time.'
Oprah asked, 'You can really do it again at your age?'

George said, 'Just let me sleep for half an hour. You hold my testicles in
your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty
minutes.'
When she woke him up, they had great sex again, and Oprah was beside herself
with joy. She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat
performance and have it be even better than the first time. At your age, Oh
My, Oh My!'
George smiled and told her that the third time would be even better. 'You just hold my
testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and call me in
thirty minutes.'
Oprah asked, 'Does my holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?

George laughed and replied, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet!'
 
Iffy

Iffy

Nil Illegitimus Carburundum
ICMag Donor
Veteran
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little
Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three
women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking
the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling
down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of
the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like
your thinking."
 
twistedthreads

twistedthreads

Active member
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston"
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men,
when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
 
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