The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[5th]

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck, thats nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. Its terrible".
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I dont wake up till eleven."

 

[Stonefree69]

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death.”

 

[Iffy]

Why Men Wear Earrings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

 

[Stonefree69]

~Irish Viagra~

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.

‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.

‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’

‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it, give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..’

It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’

‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor…

‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’

‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘ Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’

‘Freakin’ jaysus, ’twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

 

[Iffy]

Teacher tells class "make a sentence using the word dough". Little Jane raises her hand: "In Italy they make pizza using special dough".
"Very good" says teacher. Little Mary raises her hand: "My brother makes dinosaurs out of . . . play dough".
"Excellent" says teacher. Little Johnny raises his hand: "Our mum says dad is a crap shag so she has to use a dill dough"

 

[Weezard]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "Oh really? Darn it," said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "Well now, not so fast," said the cop. “ Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "Oh no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next To a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy, Give me $20, or off it comes.' "
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck.
>>>>>>> Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "Not everybody pays."
>>>>>>>

 

[Weezard]

The Final Exam


At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until

early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page. On the

second page was written ...

For 95 points: Which tire? _________.

 

[Iffy]

Equality for Women!

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in London. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes - how dare you! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but oppressing women in general...and all in the name of humour? - shame on you!"

The ventriloquist blushed with embarrassment and began to apologise, but the Blonde interrupts him, yelling: "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little tosser on your knee."

 

[Iffy]

The Night Nurse

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the
flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:

“Well, that's great....that's just great..........some asshole's got my pen!”

 

[Stonefree69]

 

[Chamba]

A 23 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a new Mercedes stops in front of their house. A 40+ year old man wearing a $5000 suit steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and $5,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account. However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

They are all silent at this point, the mother stands up and slowly walks towards the man and stands beside him and places her hand firmly on the man's shoulder, leans down to his ear and says to him in a very loud whisper, 'You'll fuck her again."

 

[Stonefree69]

A grandfather was taking his grandson fishing one day. While driving to the lake the grandfather grabbed a beer out of the cooler and popped the top. Grandson: “Grandpa, grandpa, can I have a drink of your beer?” Grandpa: “Well, let me ask you a question first. If you pull your pecker down is it long enough to touch your asshole?” Grandson: “No sir” Grandpa: “Well you can’t have any of grandpa’s beer until your old enough that it will.” A little while later, grandpa takes out a cigar and lights it up. Grandson: “Grandpa, grandpa, can I taste your cigar?” Grandpa: “Well, i’ll ask you again. If you pull your pecker down is it long enough to touch your asshole?” Grandson: “No sir” Grandpa: “Like I said before, you can’t have any of grandpa’s cigar either until you are old enough that it will.” A few miles later, the grandson reaches in his pocket and pulls out some cookies in a ziplock baggie. Grandpa: “Hey boy, are those some of your grandma’s home baked cookies?” Grandson: “Yes sir” Grandpa: “I sure love grandma’s cookies, let me have a couple of those, grandpa sure is hungry.” Grandson: “If you pull your pecker down will it touch your asshole?” Grandpa: “It sure does” Grandson: “Good, because you can go fuck yourself, these are my cookies.”

 

[Eighths-n-Aces]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied:

It feels great but I still think my thumb's broken!

 

[Stonefree69]

My left buttcheek fell asleep. I'm Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.

 

[Stonefree69]

Follow your dreams... hit the snooze button!

 

[5th]

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell dya think youre doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "Gday Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now Im gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila... Not only are you a great shag, but youre a real sport too." ...and drives off.

 

[Stonefree69]

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said,"Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?"

These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."

 

[twistedthreads]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN:"I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN:"Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

 

[Iffy]

The Water Trick.
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her man's temper and threatening manner.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my man comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me around."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When he comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep.
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time he came home drunk, I swished with water I swished and swished but I didn't swallow and he didn't touch me!
How does the water do that?"
The Doctor replies with a grin: "The water does buggar all Missus - it's keeping your bloody mouth shut that does the trick!"

 

[Iffy]

I am now banned from Sainsbury's. Didn't like shopping there anyway . . .

Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my Staffie, Milly and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had a bleeding elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time but I had lost two and a half stone! I woke up in intensive care one afternoon with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. At this point her mouth fell open but I pressed on remorselessly. I had the bit between my teeth now!
I went on to tell her, that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me? I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and got hit by a bus!

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard he turned blue! I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

Better watch what you ask retired people. We have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.