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Three bikers die in a wicked accident and go to heaven. God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow bikers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first biker says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest member of our club."
The second biker says, "I would like to hear that they thought I was a generous and caring brother."
The last biker replies, "I'd like to hear them say... Hey! Look! he's moving!"
2 iPhones walk into a bar...
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shokdee
It was coming to the end of a long day and sat in a near deserted local pub, in Liverpool was a big, tattooed Scouser. He was having a few beers as was his usual habit at this time of the afternoon, when a short well dressed and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man leaned over towards the scouser and whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
The Scouser leaped up in fury and knocked the gay man clean off his stool. He threw the stool across the bar, grabbed the wailing gay and proceeded to smack seven different colours of shit out of him. After giving the poor man a proper thumping, he grabbed the collar of his jacket and dragged him roughly out of the pub. He brutally threw him to the ground and left him bruised and bloody in the car park before returning to his seat at the bar.
Not entirely amazed at what just happened the barman quickly brought over another beer to the scouser and said, "I've never seen you react as badly as that before Mac. What the hell did he say to you?"
"I dunno really," The scouser replied. "Something about a job."
After three or four beers, the gay man leaned over towards the scouser and whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
The Scouser leaped up in fury and knocked the gay man clean off his stool. He threw the stool across the bar, grabbed the wailing gay and proceeded to smack seven different colours of shit out of him. After giving the poor man a proper thumping, he grabbed the collar of his jacket and dragged him roughly out of the pub. He brutally threw him to the ground and left him bruised and bloody in the car park before returning to his seat at the bar.
Not entirely amazed at what just happened the barman quickly brought over another beer to the scouser and said, "I've never seen you react as badly as that before Mac. What the hell did he say to you?"
"I dunno really," The scouser replied. "Something about a job."
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Old Lady: 'I am 94 years old'.
Defense Attorney: 'Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st'?
Old Lady: 'There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man came creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me'.
Defense Attorney: 'Did you know him'?
Old Lady: 'No, but he sure was friendly'.
Defense Attorney: 'What happened after he sat down'?
Old Lady: 'He started to rub my thigh'.
Defense Attorney: 'Did you stop him'?
Old Lady: 'No, I didn't stop him'.
Defense Attorney: 'Can you tell us why not'?
Little Old Lady: 'It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago'.
Defense Attorney: 'What happened next'?
Old Lady: 'He began to rub all over my body'.
Defense Attorney: 'Did you try to stop him then'?
Old Lady: 'No, I did not try to stop him'.
Defense Attorney: 'And why not exactly'?
Old Lady: 'His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years'!
Defense Attorney: 'I see and what happened next'?
Old Lady: 'Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him, 'Take me, young man. Take me now'!
Defense Attorney: 'And did he take you'?
Old Lady: 'Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fools!" And that's why I shot him, the little bastard'!!
Will you please state your age?
Old Lady: 'I am 94 years old'.
Defense Attorney: 'Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st'?
Old Lady: 'There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man came creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me'.
Defense Attorney: 'Did you know him'?
Old Lady: 'No, but he sure was friendly'.
Defense Attorney: 'What happened after he sat down'?
Old Lady: 'He started to rub my thigh'.
Defense Attorney: 'Did you stop him'?
Old Lady: 'No, I didn't stop him'.
Defense Attorney: 'Can you tell us why not'?
Little Old Lady: 'It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago'.
Defense Attorney: 'What happened next'?
Old Lady: 'He began to rub all over my body'.
Defense Attorney: 'Did you try to stop him then'?
Old Lady: 'No, I did not try to stop him'.
Defense Attorney: 'And why not exactly'?
Old Lady: 'His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years'!
Defense Attorney: 'I see and what happened next'?
Old Lady: 'Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him, 'Take me, young man. Take me now'!
Defense Attorney: 'And did he take you'?
Old Lady: 'Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fools!" And that's why I shot him, the little bastard'!!
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: “TWO PROSTITUTES — $50.00.”
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: “JESUS SAVES.”
One of the girls asked the cop, “Why don’t you stop them?!”
“Well, that’s a little different,” the cop smiled. “Their sign pertains to religion.”
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read: “TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER — $50.00.”
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: “JESUS SAVES.”
One of the girls asked the cop, “Why don’t you stop them?!”
“Well, that’s a little different,” the cop smiled. “Their sign pertains to religion.”
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read: “TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER — $50.00.”
The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me fuck you for a dollar?" "Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper. A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me fuck you for a million dollars?" After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper. A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me fuck you for five dollars?" "Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?" "We've already established that" replied the man, "Now were just haggling over the price..."
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship‚ holding her hat on tightly so that it wouldn’t blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me‚ madam. I do not intend to be forward‚ but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes‚ I know‚” said the lady‚ “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.”
“But‚ madam‚ you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down‚ then back up at the man and replied‚ “Sir‚ anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”
A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me‚ madam. I do not intend to be forward‚ but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes‚ I know‚” said the lady‚ “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.”
“But‚ madam‚ you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down‚ then back up at the man and replied‚ “Sir‚ anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”
Kinda did think I heard that one too...
That crazy fool Ronald McDonald just killed Burger King in the parking lot of KFC over that heifer Wendy. The funeral is tomorrow at Church's. Y'all goin?
Flip Wilson - George Carlin Funny News 1 of 3
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHFLTb9Fp18
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHFLTb9Fp18
Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with 3-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant." "But maam, you are not wearing any of those things." "I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good, and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry..."
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shokdee
that is NOT funny!Polish your sense of horror!
With Love
$hokdee
You must have no sense of humor then.
I love all jokes wether they're racial,religious,based on tragedy...jokes are jokes dude.I'm white/polish got any good ones because I'm sure I'll laugh @ them...here I'll even joke about myself...
I'm of Polish decent on one side of my family...and german on the other!
Okay here's one that a lit of peeps won't find funny...
What's Al'Quedas favorite NFL team?
The New York Jets!
I love all jokes wether they're racial,religious,based on tragedy...jokes are jokes dude.I'm white/polish got any good ones because I'm sure I'll laugh @ them...here I'll even joke about myself...
I'm of Polish decent on one side of my family...and german on the other!
Okay here's one that a lit of peeps won't find funny...
What's Al'Quedas favorite NFL team?
The New York Jets!
Very funny dude!
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shokdee
