I withdraw my previous credit
I withdraw my previous credit
Keep the ball rolling not flatten the tires.
I withdraw my previous credit
Keep the ball rolling not flatten the tires.
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Happy Birthday ICMag! Been 20 years since Gypsy Nirvana created the forum! We are celebrating with a 4/20 Giveaway and by launching a new Patreon tier called "420club". You can read more here.
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Mmm, a comedy critic eh? Okay Mister Hemp - check this one out!
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. . . I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment. . . . .
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible . . .
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying. . . "That phrase" . . . In no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. . . .
As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...
Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them. . .
After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence . . .
Shocked, One male parrot looked over to his gaping pal and says,
"Put the beads away, Frank . . . Our prayers have been answered!"
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. . . I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment. . . . .
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible . . .
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying. . . "That phrase" . . . In no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. . . .
As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...
Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them. . .
After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence . . .
Shocked, One male parrot looked over to his gaping pal and says,
"Put the beads away, Frank . . . Our prayers have been answered!"
^ good one! I laughed out loud. sheesh I wish there was a quicker way to express that I laughed out loud...
2 winos sat on a park bench. One of them sniffs, pulls an unpleasant face and says "Have you shit yourself?" to the other wino.
The 2nd wino replies "No".
Minutes pass, 1st wino takes another whiff and says "Have you shit yourself, seriously?"
And the 2nd wino says "No".
A few more minutes pass and the 1st wino says "Are you sure you haven't shit yourself?"
The 2nd wino says "No"
So the 1st wino says "Right, drop yer kecks, lets just make sure"
The 2nd wino drops his skids, and sat there in his gusset, is a great big smelly turd.
"I thought you said you hadn't shit yourself" says the 1st wino
And the 2nd wino replies "Sorry, I thought you meant today."
Did you hear the one about the Islamic extremist Punk rocker?
He pulled the safety pin out of his nose and his head exploded.
The 2nd wino replies "No".
Minutes pass, 1st wino takes another whiff and says "Have you shit yourself, seriously?"
And the 2nd wino says "No".
A few more minutes pass and the 1st wino says "Are you sure you haven't shit yourself?"
The 2nd wino says "No"
So the 1st wino says "Right, drop yer kecks, lets just make sure"
The 2nd wino drops his skids, and sat there in his gusset, is a great big smelly turd.
"I thought you said you hadn't shit yourself" says the 1st wino
And the 2nd wino replies "Sorry, I thought you meant today."
Did you hear the one about the Islamic extremist Punk rocker?
He pulled the safety pin out of his nose and his head exploded.
Here's an oldie but a goodie!
A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you for the long voyage and bring you food every day.' Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy!'
The girl nodded 'Yes', after all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning, and if she still felt bad she could always jump overboard.
That night, the sailor secreted her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two blissful weeks passed but suddenly one morning there was a fire drill & during a routine inspection, she was discovered!
'What on Earth are you doing here?' the Captain demanded, as the girl was dragged before him on the bridge.
''I have an arrangement with one of the sailors', she explained. 'I get food and a trip to America , and he's screwing me.'
'He certainly is screwing you love!' The captain laughed. 'This is the Birkenhead Ferry!'
A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you for the long voyage and bring you food every day.' Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy!'
The girl nodded 'Yes', after all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning, and if she still felt bad she could always jump overboard.
That night, the sailor secreted her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two blissful weeks passed but suddenly one morning there was a fire drill & during a routine inspection, she was discovered!
'What on Earth are you doing here?' the Captain demanded, as the girl was dragged before him on the bridge.
''I have an arrangement with one of the sailors', she explained. 'I get food and a trip to America , and he's screwing me.'
'He certainly is screwing you love!' The captain laughed. 'This is the Birkenhead Ferry!'
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quick grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy, You fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy bastards!
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quick grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy, You fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy bastards!
Ladies, I have a money saving opportunity for you.
I have in my posession a large box of Tampons, in all sizes, it was an ordering mistake and I can't get my money back. So, I have decided to help you ladies out for that time of the month when "The painters are in" AKA "Poorly pants week".
Simply send me your name and address, and I will send you a one year supply of Tampax, free of charge.
No strings attached.
I have in my posession a large box of Tampons, in all sizes, it was an ordering mistake and I can't get my money back. So, I have decided to help you ladies out for that time of the month when "The painters are in" AKA "Poorly pants week".
Simply send me your name and address, and I will send you a one year supply of Tampax, free of charge.
No strings attached.
Still got all those Tampons. I really need to get rid of them.
The TV ads lie. I've had these Tampons for 6 months, and I still can't windsurf, skydive, roller skate or go for a night on the town wearing white jeans.
For all the good these things have done me, I may as well shove them up my arse.
The TV ads lie. I've had these Tampons for 6 months, and I still can't windsurf, skydive, roller skate or go for a night on the town wearing white jeans.
For all the good these things have done me, I may as well shove them up my arse.
S
shokdee
Sonny, got news for ya! These daze grrls roll their own!
A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that theyll close the curtains for privacy. Besides its worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wifes room. After a few minutes the womans monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai . He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.
A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region . He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens . Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says , "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you."
The Chinese man is very taken back and says, "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs."
"What do you mean mate," says the Aussie. "Those aren't Australian customs."
"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me," replied the Chinese man. "He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit."
A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region . He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens . Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says , "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you."
The Chinese man is very taken back and says, "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs."
"What do you mean mate," says the Aussie. "Those aren't Australian customs."
"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me," replied the Chinese man. "He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit."
C
Chamba
Are you saying Aussies don't drink beer(Beer Aussie spelling) and fight?
another name for beer in Australia is "piss" and to "get pissed" means to get drunk, not get angry....if an Aussie is angry he is "pissed off"., if he is "pissed" he's drunk, not angry Also, Australians abbreviate just about every word, so rarely refer to themselves as Australians, instead say "I'm an Aussie" (pronounced as one word I'm-an-Oz-zee, not Ossie) and "I come from Oz".
to master the Aussie accent is easy, speak with the absolute minimal amount of lip movement and blur all the words together and insert "Um" at every pause for thought.
sheesh, all this talk about beer is giving me a thirst and right now as I'm about as dry as a dead dingo's donger!
and it's true, Aussies, and I'm one of them, do drink and fight alot compared to Americans, Aussies get "aggro" when full of piss about as much as the English, Irish and Scots do....I don't know why that happens, it's just does...maybe it's because gun ownership is rare in the UK and Oz and much commoner in the USA, which is why Americans are so damn polite and Aussies are angry fighting drunks cos the worse you can get or give is a black eye, not a bullet? I went to an all boys high school and there was a fight every day at lunchtime, if there wasn't, we would start one, just to keep up the average.
another name for beer in Australia is "piss" and to "get pissed" means to get drunk, not get angry....if an Aussie is angry he is "pissed off"., if he is "pissed" he's drunk, not angry Also, Australians abbreviate just about every word, so rarely refer to themselves as Australians, instead say "I'm an Aussie" (pronounced as one word I'm-an-Oz-zee, not Ossie) and "I come from Oz".
to master the Aussie accent is easy, speak with the absolute minimal amount of lip movement and blur all the words together and insert "Um" at every pause for thought.
sheesh, all this talk about beer is giving me a thirst and right now as I'm about as dry as a dead dingo's donger!
and it's true, Aussies, and I'm one of them, do drink and fight alot compared to Americans, Aussies get "aggro" when full of piss about as much as the English, Irish and Scots do....I don't know why that happens, it's just does...maybe it's because gun ownership is rare in the UK and Oz and much commoner in the USA, which is why Americans are so damn polite and Aussies are angry fighting drunks cos the worse you can get or give is a black eye, not a bullet? I went to an all boys high school and there was a fight every day at lunchtime, if there wasn't, we would start one, just to keep up the average.
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I mastered the Aus accent in my childhood, thanks to UK TV ads for Castlemaine XXXX
Orstraaailians, wooden give caaaaastlemaine foour X for anything else.
The best of these ads, was the one where they said "Looks like we've overdone it with the Sherry" and the one where he goes into the Billabong to rescue the beer and asks his mate "Are there any Sharks?" His mate says no, then mutters to himself "The Corcodiles ate all the Sharks."
Youtube to the rescue again
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z023prwCkgs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jc3TGbZmMfU
seems to me that Hank owes you two
guys a lesson in redneck linguistics.......
I ain't no redneck, damn. The guys who murdered Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper, hell Jack Nicholson too, I guess, were rednecks. Me? No I ain't nor have I ever been a redneck. A freak perhaps but not a redneck. Besides what would a redneck know about Italian cooking, linguistics and all.
